NIAW

It's National Infertility Awareness Week, April 19-25, 2015.

It's had me thinking a lot about our journey with infertility.  The theme this year is You Are Not Alone...it's a sad, lonely road to travel.  I've found so much understanding and support from my online twitter community.  People who are living it right along side us.  People who know the pain.

It has changed us forever.

We never dreamed it would define us.  We never dreamed it would be a large part of who we are.  We never dreamed that back in 2007 when we decided to start a family that it would come with so many tears, heartache, pain...

So many shots.  So many tests and treatment options and roads to travel...

Here's the thing...we have miracles as a result of our journey.  But you know what, I'm gonna be honest here...I still cry infertility tears.  It's still a part of who we are.  It doesn't go away with a positive pregnancy test or a healthy birth... 

I know, I know, that doesn't make sense, even to me sometimes. 

I am so thankful for our IVF twins Hannah and Harper.  They are joy and grace and love and smiles and giggles and tears and lessons and fear and sleeplessness and all around an awe so watch grow...

They are so amazing.  I look at them sometimes, still, and wonder if they are really ours.  Then I wonder if I think that because of infertility and our long journey to get them, and then I get mad. 

But I am so thankful 

And there's a baby sister on the way!  Due in just a few weeks!  And wow, we're so thankful that after a frozen embryo transfer and a rocky start that she is growing!  And healthy.  And we're overwhelmed that she'll be here soon, we're fearful that she'll decide to arrive too soon, but we're anxious to meet her...just not for a few weeks.  I'm filled with unspeakable joy when Harper and Hannah want to give baby sister a kiss or tickle her or they bring her a snack, to mommy's tummy, or a toy to play with...there's no describing that...

We are blessed.  Beyond words.  We never dreamed or imagined we would get here..parents to 3 little girls.  Wow.

It's hard, it's wonderful...sometimes I feel robbed of the true richness of feelings because it seems so surreal, another thing I blame infertility on.

I've been absent from this blog for a long time...I've been lost in my own thoughts, not sure how to put any of them into words, I've been overwhelmed and sad and happy...

I just want to say, infertility is an often silent journey.  Words cannot describe the empty arms, the deep sadness, the fear, the disappointment of another failed treatment, more bad news as your body once again fails you...if you're there, in the throes of it, you are not alone. 

I know so many miracles now who bring hope!  And so much sadness with so many people's journeys...

You are not alone.

My hope, my longing, is that there is joy and hope and peace on the horizon...in the midst of the deep deep pain, silence and sorrow.  You are not alone.