Transfer day

What a day!  An emotional, exciting, tiring, fearful, awe filled day.

The most nervewracking was waiting for our embryo report.  We had no clue what was going on with them...were the first two, frozen together, unfreezing well so the third one could stay frozen?  That's the best case scenario...

Or were some of them having troubles, would we have one or two to transfer?  Or none?

The nurse got me ready and gave me a valium then we waited for Dr. Shomento. I couldn't believe the day was finally here!  I'd imagined this day for months, since February, or really for longer than that.  Probably ever since the day after Hannah and Harper were transferred and Dr. Shomento called me to say we had three embryos to freeze.

When the doctor came in she had a picture and it was of two of our embryos.  She said it was time to try for another set of twins...

They were both unfrozen, one was at the same stage the girls were on transfer day, the other was behind but still strong enough for transfer.  Then she let us know that the third one didn't make it.  All three had to be unfrozen and one of the first two didn't survive the unfreezing.

Maybe you think we're nuts for transferring two...trying for twins again.  Maybe we are.  But after this long journey we've been on, you listen to you doctor and you do what she thinks is best.  The success rate for FET is 20% less than with IVF...if there's two to transfer she transfers them to increase the success rate of at least one of them growing...

And these are my babies.  I've longed to try and grow them...for two and a half years!  I love that I'm getting the opportunity now!  I pray the one behind is a strong little fighter!  I pray they're both growing!  I know it'll be hard...oh so hard, indescribably hard...but oh the joy for our long infertility journey to bring more babies!  Friday is test day and I'm terrified.  It feels like it's a year away, but hopefully it'll be here before I know it!

Stay tuned.

To my lost embryo...

To my lost embryo...

On transfer day Dr. Shomento told us you were all shriveled up.  You didn't unfreeze enough to be transfered...

And that's ok.

But, I'm so, so sorry Mommy never had a chance to try and grow you.

You see, for two and a half years, the entire time you were frozen, I thought about you almost every day.  I wondered about you...

I wondered if you'd grow.  I wondered if you'd be a boy or a girl, I wondered what you would look like, what your personality would be like and what Daddy and I would decide to name you.  I wondered what your big sisters Harper and Hannah would think when we brought you home.  I dreamed of their wide eyed wonder at you being a newborn baby, their very own.

Mommy was sad when she heard you hadn't survived the unfreezing process.  But I didn't have a lot of time at that moment to think about you...I did tear up, but I tried to hide it.  I was trying to be strong for our two embryos that did survive.  But I still think about you...I might always wonder. 

Because you didn't survive the doctor unfroze Daddy and Mommy's third embryo.  Mommy is trying to grow that one and the one that was frozen with you, right now.

I still think about you, almost every day.  I know it's ok you didn't survive.  I know we'll be ok.  I just wanted you to know how much Mommy dreamt about you, thought about you and already had a heart of love for you as I was filled with those two and a half years of wonder...

Just yesterday Daddy and I talked about our poor little love bug that didn't make it.  Now, we're hoping and praying the ones in Mommy are growing.  But no matter what...you will always have a place in Mommy's heart. 

This is hard

Today I add another dose of hormones to my frozen embryo transfer regimen...

If you need me, I'll be the one crying in the corner...

You guys, this honestly feels like the hardest thing I've ever done.

I know, I know, you're probably saying to yourself right now that of course I think that, I'm hyped up on hormones...I'm overreacting...it's the hormones...

But really...I cry a lot...I have two beautiful sweet, challengning miracle toddlers I'm taking care of...the ones that are exerting their independence and opinions and throwing food and refusing to eat and coloring where they shouldn't and screaming "go" because they want to go outside constantly or "light" because they want me to light a candle so they can stare at it...

I'm blessed, I am, I know I am.  But this is hard.  It's so hard. 

I have a sweet friend growing babies from an FET and she said the hormones for FET are worse than for a fresh IVF cycle...

To be honest it feels worse.  It feels harder.  I can't keep up...with the girls, the house, the appointments, Joel's schedule...any of it.

But I'm trying my hardest.  And the last two nights Joel made dinner for us!  And got up with Harper at 5:50 this morning so I could sleep a little longer!  And I have amazing friends and family calling, tweeting or texting me to see how I'm doing, helping to keep me sane, or listening to me. 

It's a team effort...we'll make it.  But my goodness, it's hard. 

Don't worry

I called the nurse today.  The reason I had to call was because the lab work orders she sent me said that they needed done today, but we had talked last week and decided to have them done tomorrow...I didn't want to show up at the lab tomorrow and have them tell me that they wouldn't do it because the date was off...

I was stressed. 

She told me it should be fine if the date is off by just a day...

Then, why I had her on the phone I asked her if I should be worried...my body isn't cooperating...

Her response?  Don't worry Melissa...

I'm repeating that to myself over and over again today.  (and talking to Twitter friends going through the exact same thing right now...in hopes that together we can calm each other down)...

Tomorrow's baseline ultra sound and labs are going to tell them what my body is doing then we'll know what we're working with.  I'm still skeptical...not of them, but of how my body is going to react to all of this...not the stress, but the meds, if the lining of my uterus is going to grow how it's supposed to...blah blah...

We'll leave by 7am tomorrow and drive to great falls then wait for the doctor to call with results.  By then I will have taken my first hormone pill and hopefully be on the fast track to Billings in three weeks and having some babies on board!

My fears and forgets

September 24 is creeping up on us...

And today, I'm washed in my fears and forgets...and it's bringing me to tears.

My fear that my body will fail me...

Fear that our embryos won't be given the chance to grow inside of me because they won't survive the unfreezing process...

Fear that my body won't be ready for them...

Fear that as the next few days go on the doctor will call me and tell me my body just won't coorperate...that we shouldn't even show up for transfer...

Fear that I'll forget to take a pill or show up at an appointment or show up the wrong day.

Fear that it won't work for us this time.  That there's no way it will work twice for us.

And then there are the forgets...

I forget that the Doctor and her team very much know what they're doing.

I forget that last time, doing IVF, I had many of the same fears...

I forget that when I thought my body was failing me last time, it was actually doing exactly what it should. 

I forget that the scripture that saw me through last time 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."

I forget that it's ok to hope.  And imagine.  And dream.  

Infertility sucks.  The fear of making a baby with fertility treatments sucks...but the miracle of making a baby through infertility treatments is indescribable...we're ready to add to our family...we're ready for another front row seat as the courier (taking our embryos to Billings), embryologist, doctor, nurse, an entire team....do everything they can for life to grow inside of me.  Please God, we seek you, we beg you, give us more miracles...guide our team, cover us in grace...give us life...give us courage.