Wednesday, September 26, 2018

This is...what?

Oh my goodness...I won't give anything away, or at least not a lot, but last night in the first 3 mintues of the season 3 opener of This is Us, I thought, I have to blog about this...

But I can't.  I was mad when the Dr. told Kate she couldn't do IVF...

You see, I'm a huge proponent of IVF.  I want to fix things for Kate.  I want Toby on board, I want the Dr on board, I want success....

Oh goodness, here's a confession....It might be fictional, but I still feel really hard about it still, I can't just let it go, it's too real to me.  All the feels.  I said to Joel, after the first few minutes, "I'm going to lose sleep over this"...

What?  Ugh.  I felt Kate's longing for a baby.  And I was sad and mad for her.  Like a lot.

I don't know if I can handle this story line.  I'm rooting for Kate and Toby's arms to no longer be empty.  Now, come on writer's.  Jump on board with me!

Tuesday, September 25, 2018

Asking the why's?

When I was pondering this post I wondered how many times over the past several years I've written about why, even titled posts Why.  I'm often consumed with the why.  My brain can't wrap my head around the why us, why her, why him, why them, why, why, why?  I did not go back through past posts to count how many times I talked about why, because goodness, I've been asking why for so long...

On Sunday, in Joel's sermon, he said we need to ask the Why's...and I instantly had so many go through my mind...

Why does our friend have to go through cancer?  Why did we go through infertility?  Why did Dave, my brother-in-law have to die so many years ago?  Why did his sister Tammy have to die just a few weeks ago?  Why does one family have to endure pain at such depths again?  Why is pain so painful?  Why do bad things happen? 

I don't know.  Joel, the pastor, doesn't know.

I know that pain and the journey that throws us curve balls, shapes us, makes us who we are.  I know the pain of tragedy doesn't ever go away, but it does change.  I know being pushed to our deepest, darkest depths makes no sense.  But I know it makes us stronger. 

Here I am, almost 6 years on the other side of infertility.  That doesn't mean it went away when I had our IVF be honest, infertility is still very much a part of our lives, every single day.  I think the why's are the same way.  I know that through IVF and then FET (frozen embryo transfer) we got our 3 precious girls.  But I know that I still ask why.  I'm thankful and blessed and on the other side I wouldn't change the way we got our babies.  I am so thankful for the way we were able to watch the miracle of our babies unfold.  I wouldn't change the depths, the pain, the tears, the times I yelled at and cried out to God, the anger the hurt, the deep fear, the loss of hope, the 10,000 why's I asked every day.  I know that before my brother in law died he gave us the most precious gifts, my two nieces, who are beautiful, wonderful and so fun to be around!  I know that the impact their aunt made on their lives will shape them forever.  I know our friend is kicking the crap out of cancer and coming out on top.  I know the journey is hard.  And does not make sense.  At all.  I know the journey often takes the path of despair, I know so people never get to hold their babies, like we are able to.  I know it often is so pain filled and anger filled and doesn't make sense.  I still ask why cant we have babies when we want to like so many other people.  But you know what?  I am who I am today because of walking the journey that led to the why's.  And I am thankful for the Grace that carries me and us.  I am soaking in the Faith, love, joy, pain, and depth that surrounds us.  I know that no matter how the why's play out, we can know that God carries us, especially in the depths.  And for that I am grateful. 

Tuesday, September 18, 2018


When Harper and Hannah were babies, teeny tiny babies, I was in a fog.  But I remember sitting in the living room holding both of them and thinking kindergarten was so far away.  It was really hard for me to imagine them growing that big.  I also remember the days I would long to blog, write posts in my mind during feedings, then get frustrated when I wouldn't be able to put them on paper, or rather the computer.  I'd think, there is no way I can wait 5 whole years to blog again, to give up that passion.  I will have my act together and I will be able to write.  I will be super mom and I will write.

But you know what?  One day I surrendered.  I told myself that I had to give it up, instead of fighting with my internal self to get it done, fail, try harder, fail...the day would come when I would have more time.

We are now on our 10th day of kindergarten.  And it seems like the next 13 years of school will be a moountain so high to climb that we will struggle hard to get there.  But I know from the past 5 years that these next few years will fly by.  Hold me somebody.

When the girls were little I thought something was wrong with me because I was told time and time again to hold them tight because they would grow way too fast...but I loved every new milestone.  I loved the first giggles, roll overs, steps, words, teeth, I loved it all.  And I loved their first birthday, their second, their third and wanted time to slow down when we came upon their fourth...

When their fifth got here I knew I was in such deep denial.  And kindergarten came next...excuse me while I freak out...I love, love, love watching them grow in to little humans and at the same time I long to hold those tiny babies one more time, just like every one told me I would.  How can they be 5?  How can they be ready for the big bad world without me?  How can I protect them?  How do I parent elementary school kids?  How do I know I didn't just fail the past 5, almost 6 years?  How do I know if they are ready?  Ugh, I want to hold those teeny tiny babies one more time.  My big brave kindergartners.  My littlest biggest loves. 

My oldest nieces have learned and are learning how to did that happen?  Time slow down. 

Thursday, March 9, 2017


This is a messy topic.  And a pretty random post.  I'm not even sure I should be writing but my thoughts have been consuming me lately so I thought maybe writing here would help...

First of all, I haven't written in years.  This blog started out to share our journey through infertility.  Then it just kind of stopped because I was trying to figure out how to raise baby twins!  Who are 4 now.  Time flies. 

You know what?  Our infertility wasn't cured with the birth of our now 3 fertility treatment babies.  Should it be?  Is something wrong with me?  I think something is wrong with me.  We had IVF twins, first go around, 3 embryos in the freezer.  For two and a half years I thought about our freezer babies.  I imagined a car full of them.  Then came the unfreezing.  One didn't survive.  The other two were transferred in to me...our sweet Hadley Hope came to be!  Her twin didn't end up implanting.  Maybe it's the loss of those two embryos that I have never really processed that brings me to being consumed with my thoughts about infertility...

But, you guys, it didn't go away.  I don't think it ever will.  But I do think I'm supposed to be in a better place than where I am now.   It's so up and down.  I feel blessed and overwhelmed that I am a mom to my sweet girls.  I feel sad that we couldn't have more babies.  I feel crushed that my body was never able to make a baby but thankful it was able to grow my girls.  We've been trying for months to have another baby, but maybe this is the end of that journey...maybe I'm losing my strength and courage to hope and to dream.  Maybe this is it.  And if it is, thanks be to God that I have the journey I have.  I'm not ungrateful.  I'm so very grateful.  But as the saying goes, the days are long, the years are short.  The days are hard.  I'm burdened with that every day because yes, the days are so very hard...but so many people never get to experience these hard days, so I feel guilty that they are hard.  I'm thankful because I've been blessed with a very dear friend here whose kids love playing with mine and vice versa...what a gift that makes the long days seem not quite so long.  Oh what fun we have together!

So, I'm wondering...maybe the pain never quite goes away.  The other day I said to Hannah, thank you for making me a mommy Hannah and she said I didn't make you a mommy God did...oh from her sweet mouth...I'll never forget the moment I first saw my very first baby girl though, it was her.

And If you're wondering, this isn't about a need to have a guys I couldn't love having 3 girls more than I do.  They are precious and fun and so sweet.  I don't feel a void from not having a boy.  I didn't wish for one second after finding out Hadley was a girl that she'd been a boy, not one, not even half a second.  I thought she was a boy, I thought she was our Luke...but I'm so happy she wasn't and that she's our Hadley.  The moment I first held her the first thought that ran through my head was you've healed me baby girl...maybe that's enough.  Maybe I'll always have longing but maybe this is enough.  This is great, wonderful, awesome, fun!  Maybe this is enough.