Some Details

We walked away from the appointment with Dr. Shomento filled with a peace, and some fear. We are definitely in the "unexplained infertility" category. IVF allows for some diagnostic testing to be done, to find out if we are still unexplained, or if there is some reason things aren't lining up.

She told us, the goal will be to harvest several eggs and create several embryos. Two will be implanted. The rest frozen...she said "for siblings of the first baby."

The frozen embyros and can stay frozen forever. Assuming there are some embyros frozen the next time we do IVF, whether it's for siblings, or another try, the cost will be way less.

Our biggest fears right now aren't even the IVF not working, though I know that we do have a deep seeded fear of that somewhere (and probably being ignored right now), it's me being on hormones and a lot of them. More than one dose of IUI. It's gonna be oh so hard. It's not fun feeling all the hormones in my body. Will I overcome that? Of course. And at least we know a little bit about what to expect, and we can prepare for it. The shots don't worry us anymore, but the effects make us feel weary. We have a treadmill now, and I really think that will be a huge help in my body feeling icky during the hormones, I can have an outlet to run it off in the cold winter months.

What we will be doing for IVF:

In November, on day 3 (here we go again with the Days) I will go to Havre for some blood work to determine how well my ovaries are functioning. This is called ovary reserve testing. Dr. Jensen talked with us about it. Basically, it will show if my ovaries are functioning as a normal 33 year-old, or as an older person, say 45 or older. If they are normal, we can wait a few months to start treatment, depending on our schedules, if they are not normal, every day counts, so we will start as soon as possible.

When we decide to start treatments we will have some lab work done on both of us, and an ultra sound for me.

Then along with all of Dr. Shomento's other patients who decide to start IVF the same month we do, I will be prescribed a birth control pill for 1 month.

From there, we will be given dates for hormone taking, dates for when we need to be down there for the egg retrieval, ultra sounds for me, and, to be honest I'm not even sure what all we have to be down there for. I have to stay for 7-10 days. After the implantation, I can go home. Joel can make 2 trips down, but not have to stay the 7-10 days.

We're wavering between thinking about it all the time and being hopeful, and just living day by day and waiting for the reserve testing results, and staying calm. We try not to think about how we had so much hope back when we started IUI at Mayo, and it failed. We try to believe that through this next step, God will give us a family. We really don't know what else to do. So we will, eventually, take this giant leap and hope.

I am going to throw out the ovulation test kit sticks...gone are the days of trying when someone or something tells us to. Hello are the days of IVF.

The Consultation

We never thought our journey would come to this. Way back in 2009 (which feels way longer ago than what it was) when we had our very first fertility consult (with a non-specialist), IVF was mentioned of course, but it was so far in the distance, that of course it would never come to that for us. Never. We had so much hope back then for the simplest of things making our dreams for a family come true. Boy were we wrong. Here is the low down on our fertility consult in Bozeman (at the Billings Clinic) with Dr. Stacy Shomento:

We loved her. She was so so kind to us. Our 30 minute time slot with her easily turned into an hour.

One of the first things she said was "I saw Dr. Coddington in Florida recently at a conference and he told me one of their patients was moving to Montana and I'd be hearing from them, so I've been expecting you guys." Wow. (Dr. Coddington is the head doctor in the Reproductive dept. at Mayo, we never met him since our consultations were with Dr. Jensen, but he often read our scans and prescribed meds).

She spent extra time reading over our Mayo records so she would be sure and understand what we've been through up to this point.

She asked us how we were doing...she asked us what we understood about what we've done so far and our future on this infertility journey.

She asked us, "first do you guys have any ethical concerns about IVF?" We answered..."um, we don't think so," while wondering, should we?

Then she slowly and oh so kindly described, with charts and notes, IVF. She made it sound so amazing. She made us feel overwhelmed. She answered questions. She left the room so we could generate more questions, she returned to answer them.

Our percentage of getting pregnant jumps all the way to 50% which is 30% higher than a normal couple with no fertility problems.

She also said to us, "you are young enough that you will be able to use all of your embryos." It's as if God himself was orchestrating her words, it's as if she knew what we needed to know, before we even thought to ask it.

She asked about our insurance coverage. When I told her what the booklet says about what they over per person for infertility, she told me to call them and get details. Then she said "if they cover that much, then this is a no brainer!" Meaning, we gotta do it!

It's all very different from IUI. Yes, it can lead to way more emotional heartache if it doesn't work, than the IUI, but, as Dr. Shomento pointed out, with the distance of where we live from the treatment center (making several trips a month), the emotional tole of IUI not working, the cost of travel, treatment, my body being on hormones for months at a time, well we will have wracked up the same bill over time, have a lot more stress, and no baby. It's not worth it. When she pointed out all of those things about IUI I felt such relief. I know we cannot do that again. It was hard enough living 80 miles away, it's impossible living 265 miles away.

Grilled Cheese

It was the grilled cheese and turkey sandwich I was making for lunch that finally sent me over the edge. I don't even know if I can say why. But when I flipped it and it fell apart I took the pan and threw it into the sink. Then proceeded to put all the fixings away. I was not going to try another one. The first one I attempted was a success, that was for Joel's lunch. This second one...well I ate snacks for lunch instead. I figure it all partly had to do with all the emotions being kept in check from our appointment a couple of days ago, and partly because I always get frustrated making grilled cheese. I would hands down rather have a hot turkey and cheese sandwich any day over a cold one. But I hate making them. Our new pans (thanks Jake, Michelle, Ellie, etc) help tremendously because the sandwich no longer sticks. But this time, I just lost it. I even threw the pan (just to another burner, no harm done). I think it's time for me to spend some time on the treadmill...maybe I can channel some of this frustration and not take it out on the grilled cheese next time!

In search of some hope...

We leave this afternoon in search of hope. I found this ornament (pictured) in a random box today that I decided to open and find out what was inside...I found some hope. This was a stop on my packing endeavor. We will only be gone 2 nights, but I will over pack. I always over pack. Especially when we are going on a trip such as the one before us. I mostly over pack with what I would call comfort clothes...hoodies, fleeces, sweat pants (for relaxing of course), favorite socks, shoes, etc. Then there is the over packing of shirts to wear to the doctor. I always want to "look" like good candidates to become parents. I want to look put together and nice, but not too nice (I am in the wild west after all)...this is all very silly I know, but I still do it. I probably need Joel to get home so he can tell me to put half the stuff back! It's comfort I need and it's hope we are looking for. It's pretty daunting going to this appointment, after we've already been through 5 treatments...daunting because we wonder what decisions we will have to make. I found the notes from Dr. Jensen at Mayo and her fellow (?) Dr. Phoebe. They outlined IUI (what we were doing) vs. IVF and the percentages of success. The notes even had the name of the doctor we will see tomorrow. It's all just sort of weird. I mean, I feel like we know so much from Mayo. I feel like it's more us telling the new doctor what we have done, where we are at, what we would like to do next, and then getting her opinion. Hopefully, we fine hope before, during and after this appointment. And we hope to have peace in abundance...peace to make the right decisions, peace to know exactly what path God wants us to walk down and the strength to walk it and the comfort to rest in it. Whether that's hormones, procedures, adoption, we need strength because this stuff is hard. So, for now, we trust that Jesus is not only going with us, but that He's carrying us there, holding us while we make decisions. It's hard to trust him, we felt like he let us down the last time, but we'll reach deep down inside and we'll leap...a fear filled but trusting leap. And we'll seek hope.

Being Stressless...

We go to see the fertility Dr. on Thursday. It feels different this time. Earlier this year, when we found ourselves driving to Mayo for the very first time, we were filled with fear, hope, nerves, tears. We left hours before we needed to be there. We sat around a lot. We were overwhelmed. And did I mention terrified? This time though, we're pretty stress free. We are more focused on getting to go to Bozeman for 2 nights, away from church things that consume our lives. We'll forget about the Sunday sermon prep til Saturday, we'll have starbucks along the way (gasp...there is not a Starbucks in Bozeman...gasp), we'll try to relax. It feels so different. This time, I don't even have to map quest the Dr. office ahead of time, thanks to trusty smart phones! We know a little bit about what to expect this time, we know what we've been through, and we think we know what they will tell us...pretty much the same thing as Mayo but with a long distance spin added. We will more than likely have some pretty major decisions to make after or during this appointment. It all comes down to this folks, it's now or never. This is one more giant step on this journey. We'll pray and hold on tight to each other as we seek God for his plan for our family. We're hopeful and curious...can they really do fertility treatments for people living 265 miles away that have jobs that cannot be missed on random days (like Sunday or spur of the moment Tuesday and Thursdays)? Hmmm...

Happy Birthday Pastor Joel

It's Pastor Joel's birthday today! On Sunday, I made this cake (thanks Mom for making the frosting) and took it to coffee hour at Messiah in Havre. Someone else brought ice cream. We could only stay for 15 minutes, but I think the church loved celebrating Pastor Joel's birthday! At the end of the service, during the closing hymn, the president of the council walked up front, grabbed the acolyte as he was getting ready to do his duties, and tried to ambush Pastor Joel, who left anyways...she wanted to sing to him, and me! So the music stopped and everyone stood standing, I called Joel back up and Carol announced our birthdays and cake and ice cream then they all sang to us! It was pretty fun.

I did not make a cake for church in Big Sandy on Sunday because they do not have coffee hour and Pastor Joel has confirmation right after church.  Since Joel is doing youth group in Big Sandy tonight I thought, why not just have a cake with the kids then? So that is what we are doing! Happy Birthday Pastor Joel/Joel:)!

Class of 2025

This is Mrs. Melissa with the preschool class of 2025 on the first day! I started out having them call me Mrs. Skindlov but that was pretty hard for them. So, I quickly became Mrs. Melissa. This was published in the Mountaineer, the local Big Sandy newspaper. I later realized that I forgot to have parents sign a release saying their child could be in the newspaper but by then it was too late. No complaints yet! These are the little ones I spend my Tuesday and Thursday mornings with. The ones who try me, make me annoyed, and bring me joy and excitement! They are frustrating and fun! There are 13 of them and me. No helper. I have my hands full. Yesterday 3 were absent from the class and I have to admit, having 10 was so much more peaceful...but 13 plus the teacher we will be!

Parenthood take 3

Well, last night on Parenthood, a baby was born and a baby was given. One more little one was added to the Braverman clan, and one was promised. Adam (the oldest Braverman Son, a main character) and his wife Christina (another main character), gave birth to their third child, a little girl named Norah. The entire family was there to greet her. Another sweet moment was with the latte lady. Remember how she said no to Julia because she wants a closed adoption for her baby? Last night she changed her mind. She offered her baby to Julia and family. In the hospital, as Julia asked to hold little Norah my heart was breaking, I could feel her longing for the same thing. And later, as the latte lady showed up at her doorstep I cried along with Julia as responded with a simple "yes." She gets a little baby boy, not yet born, but I suppose that is coming up soon.
I also cried yesterday as I was watching the show Make it or Break it (about gymnasts) and the best gymnast, the one destined to win olympic gold (yes, I know this is all fake), suffered a career ending injury. Career ending? I saw her crushed as she tried to deal with a dream dying and I saw her find hope when she thought maybe another doctor would be able to help her and her dream would stay alive. Only to have it dashed again. In a weird sort of way I think my tears were because I don't want our dream to die. I want to have babies. I want to believe. I don't want our dream to die. As often as I have given up on it and thought it impossible, I don't want it to die. I don't know how we would handle that.

Birthdays

We have 2 birthdays coming up at our house. Birthdays used to be fun a and we excitedly anticipated them. Now they scare us. It's one more year older without kids. When I turned 30 we made a list of things to do at 30 and one of them was get pregnant. We still have that list somewhere in a box and every once in a while it surfaces. And it ticks us off. We had the same goal when I turned 29, we wanted me to be pregnant in my 20's, then at year 30, and now I will be 33 and even though the doctors say that's not too old, every day is one more day towards being too old. Neither one of us is getting any younger! And it sucks. Maybe it's time to abandon, or throw away, lists and dreams. Maybe that would make it easier. If we didn't want, we wouldn't feel all of this pain.

We will have cake though and a homemade latte and try to do something fun for our back to back birthdays (even though Joel has meetings both nights!). I might even make a cake for each church to have the Sunday before Joel's birthday that says "Happy Birthday Pastor Joel" because I think he would like that and I think the congregations would get a real kick out of it!

Punishment?

I don't think I have ever really written about this...but it's something that is often talked about at our house. The question is, are we being punished? We have a lot of debt. I am looking for a second job so we can afford to live...so are the decisions we have made that got us this debt, the reason we cannot have a child? Is God punishing us? We ask each other this all the time and the answer we give is no. Our God is not a punishing God...but seriously, the more this won't go away, the more we think we might be being punished. I have heard a lot of times over the years people say "if you wait until you can afford kids, you will never have them." We tried adoption and were told we didn't make enough money, or that we couldn't afford to. We tried fertility treatments and just ended up with a bill. In both endeavors we thought God was leading us...and all we ended up with was financial trouble. This is all so darn frustrating. And we can't help thinking maybe we are being punished. This will not go away. Why can't it just be easy? Why can't we just use an ovulation test kit, try, and get pregnant. Why won't that happen for us? Are we being punished? That's what it feels like. It sort of feels like God is not on our side. It doesn't make any sense to us. It scares us a lot. It's lonely. And sometimes we are even really angry.

Billings...err...Bozeman

We're going for a consultation with a fertility doctor on October 20th at 1:45pm in Bozeman (I think, she does appts. both places, i'll know more when we get our info packet). When I called to schedule the appointment at first it was awkward and I started to freak out. I do this said freaking out when calling a doctor's office isn't easy. The lady who I was talking to seemed a bit confused as to why I was calling. She eventually asked if I had been referred, maybe that was why she was acting strange? I told her about Mayo and how the doc there said we should call them. She perked up then and was very helpful. It was actually really easy after that to get an appointment. I picked the date and had 3 times to choose from.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for this opportunity, but here are some thoughts I am having: this is a lot of work. We have to gather records, call doctors, ask for records, find all of our mayo stuff, fight (again) with healthpartners in Minnesota (they do not like record requests), and the worst...go for another consultation. Start all over with someone else. Listen to options, get scared, sad, confused, mad, worried, try not to cry, try to be realistic and not get caught up in the moment...etc. It's hard. And a little part of me doesn't want to go through with it all. More hormones? More trying to figure out who in the state of Montana even carries fertility medicine, more figuring out the calendar and if we can even do treatments based on our work schedules and if we can afford (insurance covers part of it but there is still so much financially that goes into this) going for treatments. It all makes me sad and tired. And to be honest we might even cancel the appointment if it weren't for being curious about how they can really help us living 265 miles away and more importantly wanting to talk to someone who will understand my thyroid and it's problems and it's levels and the metformin prescription that I am on and that expires soon. For all nerves that feeling about going to this appointment, I will do it all, twice, three times, four if it means not going to a non-fertility specialist doctor here who will not understand my meds and how to help us. I did that in Williston. They messed up, I am not doing that again, ever. At least not without the direction of the fertility doctor in Bozeman or our trusty Mayo doctor.