pain...

We are going to the ocean soon. This time the Oregon one. When we think about going to the ocean we imagine standing at it's shore and screaming and yelling at God. We can't help but feel God's presence at the ocean. But we're mad at him. He could fix this pain. He could take it away. We know he feels our pain and that he cries with us, but he could fix it. We are mad. We are sad. We are consumed. This journey is so so hard. We don't want to hear that it is all in his timing, even if it is, we don't like hearing that. You see, we want to believe this is all in his timing, but right now we're too scared that he will never fix it. We're too scared that this road will never end. So for now we thank you all for having the hope that we don't. For your prayers, for your listening ear, for your being there or not when we need it or don't need it. We imagine probably too much what it will be like to be parents. We dream, then we cry. Because the pain surrounds us, runs through us and around us. The pain hurts.

One day at a time....

One day at a time…we are surrounded by sadness, surreal-ness, anticipation, packed and unpacked boxes and full imaginations. Our life as a married couple has been one giant journey of surreal-ness. You see, we are often, if not always, in transition. We don’t always like it and it is often a lot of work but we do live it and embrace it in every way we know how. We pack our box o’ hope and sweet chocolate blue bunny and we dream a little more, our longing grows greater. Today as we bask in the surreal-ness and all that comes with it we are pondering parenthood. We wonder, if and when we have the opportunity to be mommy and daddy will we feel a sense of surreal-ness? We imagine that yes we will. And then we remember that we are good at experiencing surreal-ness, we have a lot of practice at it, we are ready for a little or a lot more. We long for it if it means we can have little God-given children to wrap our arms around the same way we imagine our sweet Jesus wrapping his arms around us…one day at a time. We will make it through this journey….one day at a time. In the midst of our longing please Jesus we ask you to listen to us, hold us, cry with us and give us the deep longing-filled desires of our hearts.

A Technicolor Dreamcoat....

Friday night we watched the play "Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat" in a small almost non-existent Montana town! It was inspiring and beautifully done and left us wanting a technicolor dreamcoat of our own....in other words, we want to keep dreaming, we want to hold on, we want the hope of dreams come true. We want to be parents, we want a first call that fits just right, we want to run a race together, and on and on. But mostly, at this point in our lives, our dream is to have babies...biological and adopted babies created by us and for us, babies first in our hearts....this is our dream. Today, we hold on to that dream, and we dream a little more of what it will be like, we imagine, we hope. The day after the theater production we went to a play park in a campground in Fort Peck, Montana and slid down the slides, swung on the swings, climbed ladders, and talked to people we ran into that we knew (small part of the country we live in)...in the midst of all of that we allowed ourselves to dream a dream that seems unreachable, but a dream that for today we hope for.