Christmas Eve Eve

I think I've become numb...I mean, we have some hope, but we're sort of scared to imagine too much. I feel like I am walking in a tunnel of sorts...on either side of me is life happening, but I can't get to it, and at the end is life in the future, but it's all swirling together, I can't make sense of it. I think that is another way of saying a part of me, a part of us, wants to shut down and not feel emotions about our upcoming IVF. The phone call to Dr. Shomento could be just days away.

But we're remembering this time last year...we had already had one visit with Dr. Jensen at Mayo and we loved her. We were filled to the brim with hope. It just had to work there, it was Mayo after all! I remember the emotions, the joy overflowing, the anticipation. And I'm pretty sure, being how that was one year ago, that I have a wall around my heart. I imagine, but I don't get too joy filled. I don't even think I am letting myself expect much...it's like walking a journey that we're so happy about, yet we're terrified of. It feels like all we have in us is the strength to simply go through the motions. Because to get over emotional, to get worried about where to get the meds, to wonder what if a shot breaks, what if treatment fails...well, it all takes to much energy.

That being said, tears come freely.

I told God just this morning, "why not create a miracle in us, I just don't see the reason...". It's funny in a way, because every month, even a non-fertility treatment month, a little part of us wonders, could this be the one for a miracle? Then it isn't and we are reminded of all the other months and we get angry and we cry.

Then we remind ourselves, it's ok to get our miracle through a fertility treatment. We just hope for a certainty that we will indeed get our miracle.

I've been thinking, maybe the beach means so much to us, because like in that Footprints poem, it is there we feel most held by Jesus. In this season of Christmas, and the birth of the baby King, as we imagine our arms being filled with a bundle of miracle, we cry out...tears falling...and we ask our Abba Father, to please hear the cry of our hearts, to please bring us our very own Christmas miracle.

The story of a miracle

Joel is doing a funeral in Big Sandy this morning. I was over there helping him set-up and print bulletins so I met the funeral home director from Chester, MT.

Of course, he asked us if we had kids. We said "no". He said "oh". Long pause. Then Joel says "not yet anyways."

And that opened a door!

The director, I'm not even sure of his name, started telling us about his 46 year old daughter, his oldest, who couldn't have kids. For years her and her husband, married now for 20 years, were ok with that. They were best buddies and liked their jobs. But 4 years ago they changed their minds. They knew they were missing out on parenthood...so they decided on adoption...

Paperwork filled out, waiting begins. The adoption they applied for was an open one. That means the birth parent or parents picks the couple they want their child to go to. Three phone calls came in saying they'd made the top 2-3, their hopes high, only to be crushed when hearing the news that they were not picked after all. They were ready to give up. They were sad. I imagine at this point in their story, or even with every phone call, they mourn a loss, and they mourn the potential death of a dream. But guess what? Just days ago they got another call...an instant baby! Born just for them. It's a boy! Just when they'd given up hope! A dream fulfilled!

More non-baby related conversation...then the director starts up again...

"My wife and I didn't think we were going to have grandchildren" he said. Now they have 5!

He continues, "Our youngest daughter, she had trouble also, but they did Invitro twice and the second time it worked." Another miracle for director and his growing family! 6 months after their invitro miracle was born, the mom found out she was pregnant. Baby number 2 for this family! Then, get this, 6 months after that baby was born, she found out she was pregnant again. Boom! Years of trouble and now they have 3 babies aged 3 and a half and younger. Wow!

The director's son must have a baby to make 5, but he didn't talk about him.

It was pretty awesome to have this random guy start talking to us about such personal history with his family.

It helps renew hope.

A Christmas Letter

I'm stuffing envelopes with the Christmas letter I wrote for 2011. It's really full of words.

But the one thing missing from the letter is our journey through Mayo Clinic and then the Billings Clinic. It seems really weird to write our joy filled letter and leave out such a major part of our year.

But, I didn't know how to add it in. I didn't know if it was even appropriate. I've never read a Christmas letter filled with the pain of infertility.

Our last 4 years of letters could have had some version of this pain. We could have started documenting then. But it's weird. It's a silent thing, not to be shared in an annual update.

It's silent yet, and this is a secret dream, maybe I'll be on the Today Show someday with the book I'm gonna write about our journey.

So, a letter is coming to a mailbox near you...most of you lived a lot of it with us. Including the parts not spoken. For that, we are thankful.

So many words

So many words, so many feelings.

All inside me, wondering how to get out.

I wonder, as I dance, if the Breath of Heaven with breathe new life into me.

I wonder what it will be like. I imagine. I dream.

Tears fall as I begin to hope.

Fear lingers as the hope grows. Then more tears fall.

I pray, in the midst of pain, I seek, in the midst of sorrow, and I cry out in the midst of fear...

Please Jesus, pick us. We want full arms, sleepless nights, kisses of sweet little ones.

The journey begins soon...imaginations grow. All of my being begs...please a joyful end to this tear-filled journey. We offer ourselves to our heavenly Father and we say come Lord Jesus come.

The ambush

Today is Chouteau County Christmas. That means that there are celebration bazaars and parades in all the little towns in this county. We started the day out at the Big Sandy bazaar where we were ambushed by the day care table (and purchased caramel cookies in a jar that have to be mixed and baked...the funny thing is that the caramel did not come with), and the 4-H table selling fresh cut wreaths and center pieces. I mean these people were good salesmen...and they all used these cute little kids who of course we couldn't say no to!

But the ultimate ambush came in Fort Benton, 35 miles down the road.

They had a great craft bazaar (& a really good coffee shop that looks a lot like pinterest inside and has delicious peppermint white chocolate lattes...finally someone around here with a holiday drink).

First stop was coffee. Second the bazaar. We were wandering around and came upon a table full of homemade baby things. I touched what they called a bundle and then insert ambush...

The maker/seller of products asked if she could please show us what was inside the bundle. Um...ok...I said, with a smile on my face, while thinking, uh...we don't have any reason to buy this.

First piece of the bundle was a "daddy sized" burp rag that she asked Joel, whom she called Dad, to please model. He did.

Second piece was a sling...she demonstrated that one, and how I, who she referred to as mom, would use it.

Third piece was a quilted receiving blanket we could not live without, according to her!

I just kept thinking, don't ask us if we have kids, don't ask us if we have kids. And she didn't.

The conclusion to this story is we walked away, and 10 minutes later we were back, ambushed into buying a bundle!

Now we just hope, and pray, we have a reason to use it someday...like maybe this time next year, if IVF goes as planned. But of course, we'll be the first to tell you that God does not always take our lives on the course we have planned. At which point fear sets in, because we don't really trust Him to come through for us. But we have a bundle. Now we just need Him to give us something or rather someone to fill it with!

the countdown is on

Well, in about 29-31 days we'll be calling our doctor to say we're ready for IVF (she has us on the calender, but we have to call day 1 in January to get it all set up). Back in October it felt like that day was so far away. But now, it hit us yesterday that soon we would be starting. Soon, we'd be jumping on the roller coaster for the ride of a lifetime.

It's gonna be so crazy. I can already imagine all the hormones. I'm most worried about getting the meds, and not breaking a shot while giving it being that we're so far from any sort of pharmacy that could help us.

But, if that happens, deep breath, it will be ok.

We're ready.

And for the first time, a few days ago, I felt my brain switching from feeling hopeless, to thinking, yes this can work. Joel is very positive about it. He's scared but he's hopefully. I'd say I'm way more scared than hopeful. I'm getting there though.

I'm trying to talk positive, I'm trying to think positive. It's a giant hurdle. And it all comes out pretty tentatively.

I'm trying to go from not seeing how he could pick us, to asking him to please pick us, and to believing that he will.

It's a blue Monday

Well, when it comes to our fertility journey, today is a blue Monday. We're on the brink of tears, and we're feeling hopeless.

My body is like clock work and it's pretty easy to be in tune to what is going on with it, especially after fertility treatments where they make you learn what happens every single day.

So, when everything was off this month, and a day late, I got confused and hopeful. Then was crushed.

The pain, I've decided is indescribable. It hurts so bad.

I am an imaginer...and many times, near the beginning of this journey, and just a couple of days ago, I have imagined different ways we would break miracle-like news to family and friends, if indeed a miracle did happen and we got pregnant without treatments. Imagining these ideas makes me so excited.

But then I realize, that I will probably never get the chance to use one of them. And it crushes me. It makes me mad that I am being robbed of that chance. Because with fertility treatments you all will know the day of implantation and then can do the 14 day math til we find out yes or no. We need your prayers and support, so of course we are going to tell you all of that!

The reason I'm not ready for adoption is because I don't also want to be robbed of getting to be pregnant, and having that whole experience.

But to be honest, the pain is so deep that we can't imagine it happening to us.

Just last night I asked Joel "why would God pick us to have get pregnant, when he hasn't picked us for the last 4 years?" In his pain, and of course, Joel didn't have an answer.

So we wait, we hold each other, and we cry.

Christmas

This time of year is always extra hard. I can always imagine having babies at Christmas. I always think a lot about Mary and her journey so long ago.

And then I wonder, why won't he choose me to carry his son or daughter? Why not me?

It makes me so sad and tear filled.

I'm anxious to get IVF started. But I'm terrified. It's the only procedure we have left to help us. And we don't know if it will work. We can pray that it will, but we still don't know.

One of the things that scares me the most is that IVF is so hope filled that I can imagine. For the first time in a long time I can imagine. On days like today, the sadness sort of overtakes the hope. But I want it so bad. It hurts. We want this to work so bad.

We're weary but ready.

Why wait?

I talked to Dr. Shomento earlier this week. She, not her nurse, called me! I continue to be amazed at the care we are only just beginning to get there. The kindness is overflowing. And their understanding of distance in our situation, well, they must be some of the best there is when it comes to that.

On Monday I went to Havre for some lab work to determine my ovary function. It turns out, my ovaries are functioning like a normal 33 year old. There was a hormone, the LH hormone, that was low, which shows her that I have stress in my life. It is quite fascinating what they can tell from a simple blood draw.

I think this effects egg growth and maturity. But I'm not sure. They can help fix this when I go on hormones. Or maybe I need a trip to a spa!

The decision before us now is why wait? Or rather, when to start treatment. They do IVF rounds every other month. It is a 2 month process that starts with day 1 of my cycle, 2 months before we want to have the treatment. I know, it is all really confusing. But they wrote it all out so I can refer to that when the confusion gets too much, or I can call the doctor!

When I was talking with Dr. Shomento, we determined that we had already missed the dates to start the process now for treatment in January. That leaves us with March or May.

Why wait?

Well, there are things like lent that starts the end of February, and a crazy busy preschool schedule in May, and well, life in general is sort of non-routine crazy. But...why wait? It's not like people who get pregnant naturally pick the exact date for it to happen (ok I know there is a small amount of control, but it's small). This is a family thing, this is about putting our future family first. And we know we must consider everything when deciding when...but we just keep coming back to why wait?

We are on the Doctor's calendar for a treatment in March. Which means we will start the process in January.

That means we sit back, relax and try to become as stress free as possible (Ha!). And in January, on Day 1 we call the doctor and she gives us dates, prescriptions, appointment times, etc.

March seems like a long ways away. May seems even further. And we don't know if this will work. If it doesn't work, we can do it again, and starting sooner, rather than later, puts us that many more months closer to having a baby.

Some Details

We walked away from the appointment with Dr. Shomento filled with a peace, and some fear. We are definitely in the "unexplained infertility" category. IVF allows for some diagnostic testing to be done, to find out if we are still unexplained, or if there is some reason things aren't lining up.

She told us, the goal will be to harvest several eggs and create several embryos. Two will be implanted. The rest frozen...she said "for siblings of the first baby."

The frozen embyros and can stay frozen forever. Assuming there are some embyros frozen the next time we do IVF, whether it's for siblings, or another try, the cost will be way less.

Our biggest fears right now aren't even the IVF not working, though I know that we do have a deep seeded fear of that somewhere (and probably being ignored right now), it's me being on hormones and a lot of them. More than one dose of IUI. It's gonna be oh so hard. It's not fun feeling all the hormones in my body. Will I overcome that? Of course. And at least we know a little bit about what to expect, and we can prepare for it. The shots don't worry us anymore, but the effects make us feel weary. We have a treadmill now, and I really think that will be a huge help in my body feeling icky during the hormones, I can have an outlet to run it off in the cold winter months.

What we will be doing for IVF:

In November, on day 3 (here we go again with the Days) I will go to Havre for some blood work to determine how well my ovaries are functioning. This is called ovary reserve testing. Dr. Jensen talked with us about it. Basically, it will show if my ovaries are functioning as a normal 33 year-old, or as an older person, say 45 or older. If they are normal, we can wait a few months to start treatment, depending on our schedules, if they are not normal, every day counts, so we will start as soon as possible.

When we decide to start treatments we will have some lab work done on both of us, and an ultra sound for me.

Then along with all of Dr. Shomento's other patients who decide to start IVF the same month we do, I will be prescribed a birth control pill for 1 month.

From there, we will be given dates for hormone taking, dates for when we need to be down there for the egg retrieval, ultra sounds for me, and, to be honest I'm not even sure what all we have to be down there for. I have to stay for 7-10 days. After the implantation, I can go home. Joel can make 2 trips down, but not have to stay the 7-10 days.

We're wavering between thinking about it all the time and being hopeful, and just living day by day and waiting for the reserve testing results, and staying calm. We try not to think about how we had so much hope back when we started IUI at Mayo, and it failed. We try to believe that through this next step, God will give us a family. We really don't know what else to do. So we will, eventually, take this giant leap and hope.

I am going to throw out the ovulation test kit sticks...gone are the days of trying when someone or something tells us to. Hello are the days of IVF.

The Consultation

We never thought our journey would come to this. Way back in 2009 (which feels way longer ago than what it was) when we had our very first fertility consult (with a non-specialist), IVF was mentioned of course, but it was so far in the distance, that of course it would never come to that for us. Never. We had so much hope back then for the simplest of things making our dreams for a family come true. Boy were we wrong. Here is the low down on our fertility consult in Bozeman (at the Billings Clinic) with Dr. Stacy Shomento:

We loved her. She was so so kind to us. Our 30 minute time slot with her easily turned into an hour.

One of the first things she said was "I saw Dr. Coddington in Florida recently at a conference and he told me one of their patients was moving to Montana and I'd be hearing from them, so I've been expecting you guys." Wow. (Dr. Coddington is the head doctor in the Reproductive dept. at Mayo, we never met him since our consultations were with Dr. Jensen, but he often read our scans and prescribed meds).

She spent extra time reading over our Mayo records so she would be sure and understand what we've been through up to this point.

She asked us how we were doing...she asked us what we understood about what we've done so far and our future on this infertility journey.

She asked us, "first do you guys have any ethical concerns about IVF?" We answered..."um, we don't think so," while wondering, should we?

Then she slowly and oh so kindly described, with charts and notes, IVF. She made it sound so amazing. She made us feel overwhelmed. She answered questions. She left the room so we could generate more questions, she returned to answer them.

Our percentage of getting pregnant jumps all the way to 50% which is 30% higher than a normal couple with no fertility problems.

She also said to us, "you are young enough that you will be able to use all of your embryos." It's as if God himself was orchestrating her words, it's as if she knew what we needed to know, before we even thought to ask it.

She asked about our insurance coverage. When I told her what the booklet says about what they over per person for infertility, she told me to call them and get details. Then she said "if they cover that much, then this is a no brainer!" Meaning, we gotta do it!

It's all very different from IUI. Yes, it can lead to way more emotional heartache if it doesn't work, than the IUI, but, as Dr. Shomento pointed out, with the distance of where we live from the treatment center (making several trips a month), the emotional tole of IUI not working, the cost of travel, treatment, my body being on hormones for months at a time, well we will have wracked up the same bill over time, have a lot more stress, and no baby. It's not worth it. When she pointed out all of those things about IUI I felt such relief. I know we cannot do that again. It was hard enough living 80 miles away, it's impossible living 265 miles away.

Grilled Cheese

It was the grilled cheese and turkey sandwich I was making for lunch that finally sent me over the edge. I don't even know if I can say why. But when I flipped it and it fell apart I took the pan and threw it into the sink. Then proceeded to put all the fixings away. I was not going to try another one. The first one I attempted was a success, that was for Joel's lunch. This second one...well I ate snacks for lunch instead. I figure it all partly had to do with all the emotions being kept in check from our appointment a couple of days ago, and partly because I always get frustrated making grilled cheese. I would hands down rather have a hot turkey and cheese sandwich any day over a cold one. But I hate making them. Our new pans (thanks Jake, Michelle, Ellie, etc) help tremendously because the sandwich no longer sticks. But this time, I just lost it. I even threw the pan (just to another burner, no harm done). I think it's time for me to spend some time on the treadmill...maybe I can channel some of this frustration and not take it out on the grilled cheese next time!

In search of some hope...

We leave this afternoon in search of hope. I found this ornament (pictured) in a random box today that I decided to open and find out what was inside...I found some hope. This was a stop on my packing endeavor. We will only be gone 2 nights, but I will over pack. I always over pack. Especially when we are going on a trip such as the one before us. I mostly over pack with what I would call comfort clothes...hoodies, fleeces, sweat pants (for relaxing of course), favorite socks, shoes, etc. Then there is the over packing of shirts to wear to the doctor. I always want to "look" like good candidates to become parents. I want to look put together and nice, but not too nice (I am in the wild west after all)...this is all very silly I know, but I still do it. I probably need Joel to get home so he can tell me to put half the stuff back! It's comfort I need and it's hope we are looking for. It's pretty daunting going to this appointment, after we've already been through 5 treatments...daunting because we wonder what decisions we will have to make. I found the notes from Dr. Jensen at Mayo and her fellow (?) Dr. Phoebe. They outlined IUI (what we were doing) vs. IVF and the percentages of success. The notes even had the name of the doctor we will see tomorrow. It's all just sort of weird. I mean, I feel like we know so much from Mayo. I feel like it's more us telling the new doctor what we have done, where we are at, what we would like to do next, and then getting her opinion. Hopefully, we fine hope before, during and after this appointment. And we hope to have peace in abundance...peace to make the right decisions, peace to know exactly what path God wants us to walk down and the strength to walk it and the comfort to rest in it. Whether that's hormones, procedures, adoption, we need strength because this stuff is hard. So, for now, we trust that Jesus is not only going with us, but that He's carrying us there, holding us while we make decisions. It's hard to trust him, we felt like he let us down the last time, but we'll reach deep down inside and we'll leap...a fear filled but trusting leap. And we'll seek hope.

Being Stressless...

We go to see the fertility Dr. on Thursday. It feels different this time. Earlier this year, when we found ourselves driving to Mayo for the very first time, we were filled with fear, hope, nerves, tears. We left hours before we needed to be there. We sat around a lot. We were overwhelmed. And did I mention terrified? This time though, we're pretty stress free. We are more focused on getting to go to Bozeman for 2 nights, away from church things that consume our lives. We'll forget about the Sunday sermon prep til Saturday, we'll have starbucks along the way (gasp...there is not a Starbucks in Bozeman...gasp), we'll try to relax. It feels so different. This time, I don't even have to map quest the Dr. office ahead of time, thanks to trusty smart phones! We know a little bit about what to expect this time, we know what we've been through, and we think we know what they will tell us...pretty much the same thing as Mayo but with a long distance spin added. We will more than likely have some pretty major decisions to make after or during this appointment. It all comes down to this folks, it's now or never. This is one more giant step on this journey. We'll pray and hold on tight to each other as we seek God for his plan for our family. We're hopeful and curious...can they really do fertility treatments for people living 265 miles away that have jobs that cannot be missed on random days (like Sunday or spur of the moment Tuesday and Thursdays)? Hmmm...

Happy Birthday Pastor Joel

It's Pastor Joel's birthday today! On Sunday, I made this cake (thanks Mom for making the frosting) and took it to coffee hour at Messiah in Havre. Someone else brought ice cream. We could only stay for 15 minutes, but I think the church loved celebrating Pastor Joel's birthday! At the end of the service, during the closing hymn, the president of the council walked up front, grabbed the acolyte as he was getting ready to do his duties, and tried to ambush Pastor Joel, who left anyways...she wanted to sing to him, and me! So the music stopped and everyone stood standing, I called Joel back up and Carol announced our birthdays and cake and ice cream then they all sang to us! It was pretty fun.

I did not make a cake for church in Big Sandy on Sunday because they do not have coffee hour and Pastor Joel has confirmation right after church.  Since Joel is doing youth group in Big Sandy tonight I thought, why not just have a cake with the kids then? So that is what we are doing! Happy Birthday Pastor Joel/Joel:)!

Class of 2025

This is Mrs. Melissa with the preschool class of 2025 on the first day! I started out having them call me Mrs. Skindlov but that was pretty hard for them. So, I quickly became Mrs. Melissa. This was published in the Mountaineer, the local Big Sandy newspaper. I later realized that I forgot to have parents sign a release saying their child could be in the newspaper but by then it was too late. No complaints yet! These are the little ones I spend my Tuesday and Thursday mornings with. The ones who try me, make me annoyed, and bring me joy and excitement! They are frustrating and fun! There are 13 of them and me. No helper. I have my hands full. Yesterday 3 were absent from the class and I have to admit, having 10 was so much more peaceful...but 13 plus the teacher we will be!

Parenthood take 3

Well, last night on Parenthood, a baby was born and a baby was given. One more little one was added to the Braverman clan, and one was promised. Adam (the oldest Braverman Son, a main character) and his wife Christina (another main character), gave birth to their third child, a little girl named Norah. The entire family was there to greet her. Another sweet moment was with the latte lady. Remember how she said no to Julia because she wants a closed adoption for her baby? Last night she changed her mind. She offered her baby to Julia and family. In the hospital, as Julia asked to hold little Norah my heart was breaking, I could feel her longing for the same thing. And later, as the latte lady showed up at her doorstep I cried along with Julia as responded with a simple "yes." She gets a little baby boy, not yet born, but I suppose that is coming up soon.
I also cried yesterday as I was watching the show Make it or Break it (about gymnasts) and the best gymnast, the one destined to win olympic gold (yes, I know this is all fake), suffered a career ending injury. Career ending? I saw her crushed as she tried to deal with a dream dying and I saw her find hope when she thought maybe another doctor would be able to help her and her dream would stay alive. Only to have it dashed again. In a weird sort of way I think my tears were because I don't want our dream to die. I want to have babies. I want to believe. I don't want our dream to die. As often as I have given up on it and thought it impossible, I don't want it to die. I don't know how we would handle that.

Birthdays

We have 2 birthdays coming up at our house. Birthdays used to be fun a and we excitedly anticipated them. Now they scare us. It's one more year older without kids. When I turned 30 we made a list of things to do at 30 and one of them was get pregnant. We still have that list somewhere in a box and every once in a while it surfaces. And it ticks us off. We had the same goal when I turned 29, we wanted me to be pregnant in my 20's, then at year 30, and now I will be 33 and even though the doctors say that's not too old, every day is one more day towards being too old. Neither one of us is getting any younger! And it sucks. Maybe it's time to abandon, or throw away, lists and dreams. Maybe that would make it easier. If we didn't want, we wouldn't feel all of this pain.

We will have cake though and a homemade latte and try to do something fun for our back to back birthdays (even though Joel has meetings both nights!). I might even make a cake for each church to have the Sunday before Joel's birthday that says "Happy Birthday Pastor Joel" because I think he would like that and I think the congregations would get a real kick out of it!

Punishment?

I don't think I have ever really written about this...but it's something that is often talked about at our house. The question is, are we being punished? We have a lot of debt. I am looking for a second job so we can afford to live...so are the decisions we have made that got us this debt, the reason we cannot have a child? Is God punishing us? We ask each other this all the time and the answer we give is no. Our God is not a punishing God...but seriously, the more this won't go away, the more we think we might be being punished. I have heard a lot of times over the years people say "if you wait until you can afford kids, you will never have them." We tried adoption and were told we didn't make enough money, or that we couldn't afford to. We tried fertility treatments and just ended up with a bill. In both endeavors we thought God was leading us...and all we ended up with was financial trouble. This is all so darn frustrating. And we can't help thinking maybe we are being punished. This will not go away. Why can't it just be easy? Why can't we just use an ovulation test kit, try, and get pregnant. Why won't that happen for us? Are we being punished? That's what it feels like. It sort of feels like God is not on our side. It doesn't make any sense to us. It scares us a lot. It's lonely. And sometimes we are even really angry.

Billings...err...Bozeman

We're going for a consultation with a fertility doctor on October 20th at 1:45pm in Bozeman (I think, she does appts. both places, i'll know more when we get our info packet). When I called to schedule the appointment at first it was awkward and I started to freak out. I do this said freaking out when calling a doctor's office isn't easy. The lady who I was talking to seemed a bit confused as to why I was calling. She eventually asked if I had been referred, maybe that was why she was acting strange? I told her about Mayo and how the doc there said we should call them. She perked up then and was very helpful. It was actually really easy after that to get an appointment. I picked the date and had 3 times to choose from.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful for this opportunity, but here are some thoughts I am having: this is a lot of work. We have to gather records, call doctors, ask for records, find all of our mayo stuff, fight (again) with healthpartners in Minnesota (they do not like record requests), and the worst...go for another consultation. Start all over with someone else. Listen to options, get scared, sad, confused, mad, worried, try not to cry, try to be realistic and not get caught up in the moment...etc. It's hard. And a little part of me doesn't want to go through with it all. More hormones? More trying to figure out who in the state of Montana even carries fertility medicine, more figuring out the calendar and if we can even do treatments based on our work schedules and if we can afford (insurance covers part of it but there is still so much financially that goes into this) going for treatments. It all makes me sad and tired. And to be honest we might even cancel the appointment if it weren't for being curious about how they can really help us living 265 miles away and more importantly wanting to talk to someone who will understand my thyroid and it's problems and it's levels and the metformin prescription that I am on and that expires soon. For all nerves that feeling about going to this appointment, I will do it all, twice, three times, four if it means not going to a non-fertility specialist doctor here who will not understand my meds and how to help us. I did that in Williston. They messed up, I am not doing that again, ever. At least not without the direction of the fertility doctor in Bozeman or our trusty Mayo doctor.

An update on the TV Latte Lady

Lady week, the character, Julia, who wanted to "buy" the latte lady's baby asked her if she could, "will you let me adopt your baby?" she asked after an episode of buying lots of coffee and helping the latte lady with a legal landlord situation (for free of course). The latte lady's answer? "No". What? No? Crushing disappointment, awkwardness, sadness. And no more coffee. Last night we found Julia avoiding the latte lady, not drinking coffee (sad day), all because she was embarrassed that she has asked. It sort of looked like she was helping the latte lady for free with a legal issue, to influence her decision. But of course she wasn't. She wanted a baby, this baby needed a mom and dad, seemed to be a perfect solution. Towards the end of the episode, the latte lady finally asked Julia if she wanted to know why she said no. With tears running down her face, she explained that she wanted a closed adoption. If she gave her baby to someone she sells coffee to every day, it would make it that much harder. Tears. Pain. And an amazing, almost grace like, understanding from Julia. The closed adoption part made me want the latte lady's baby even more. I wonder, in the weeks to come, as this story unfolds, if Julia will concoct a plan to leave her job, say goodbye to the latte lady, whose name is Zoe by the way, all to have a sweet babe in her arms. Maybe not, maybe this is the end of that story line. But I do hope that we see Julia and her husband with a baby sometime in the future. Just like I hope the same thing for Joel and I. It might seem strange to be talking about this story line like it is real when I know it's not. When you are walking through infertility, you truly are drawn to people "like" you, whether real or fictional. Maybe there is a little bit of hope for us in their story, or maybe not, but we will continue to tune in. We will watch and wait and hopefully in the end we will either find our own biological miracle, or latte lady who picks us!

It was the lowest of times, it was the highest of times

Yesterday was a pretty low day for us on this infertility journey. We were sad and to be honest, completely lacking hope. A few days ago Joel said to me "I always have hope," and I responded with an "I don't". I guess it is good when at least one of us does. But yesterday, hope was no where to be found. We hit bottom. We were immersed in our lack of parenthood. I even went through the baby box and pulled out a bunch of stuff to give away. I know I have often said I was going to do this, but now I have a pile. We just can't see it happening. We are frustrated and sad and tired of hoping only to have our hopes die. We counted it up...it's been 43 months of disappointment. That's a lot of heartache. And that 43 isn't counting the 5 months we did fertility treatments when we were so hopeful and then so crushed, month after month. So, really it's been 48 months. And it's hard. Really really hard. We just can't see it happening any more. We are at a loss as to how to make it happen. I think a little more each day and each month the dream dies. We are at the point in this journey where we think up things we can do instead of being parents...like maybe travel more (ha, like a pastor and preschool teacher have time for that!). Such is life. It was the lowest of times.

The highest of times came when we remembered today that we can call the Billings clinic and maybe they will be able to help us, or at least see us once. In my research before calling I learned that we can go to either Billings or Bozeman. There are two specialists, one located at each location, and they are both associated with the fertility clinic in Billings. The Billings specialist knows Dr. Jensen at Mayo, the Bozeman specialist knows Dr. Phoebe, who is Dr. Jensen's shadow (for lack of the correct term) at Mayo. Both come recommended. The logical thing, which I did, is to see which one is the closest and go to them. But there is only a 14 mile difference in the treks to each from Big Sandy. I guess I will look to see which "city" has better shopping and starbucks! Or maybe which one can give us the soonest appointment...hmmm...stay tuned...

A little lumber yard boy...

he's in my preschool class. He turned 5 two days after the public school age cut-off for kindergarten and one day before preschool. This is his second year in preschool. His parents own the lumber yard in town, the hardware store and the NAPA auto parts. We are told from people in the community, over and over again, to "buy local". We had planned to go to Havre today to get mouse ammo from Big R but we ran out of time so to the hardware store/lumber yard we went. The mouse ammo was right inside the door. Seconds later the little boy came around the corner! He had all kinds of advice for catching mice and he told me all about his day! It was so adorable. He told me that soccer practice was cancelled because it poured down rain and stormed here all day (a first since we arrived July 22, Joel was so excited to have the clouds watering the lawn!). Then he told me he was going to school tomorrow and then Fort Benton for a soccer game (which is actually Saturday his mom later told me)! He was so excited! His grandma came and asked him to be quiet, to let us shop. Then his mom came asking him the same thing but kept right on talking. I listened to him and asked him questions! I could hear his little baby brother in the corner cooing. He showed me a giant tool to push nails into a wall. He compared it to a bull dozer. His grandma and mom just kept apologizing over and over again. They'd been listening to him all day! But I loved it...I have a little friend in Big Sandy!

How much is too much to say?

Today, and actually yesterday also, I thought to myself...how much is too much to share on this blog? You know how when we were going through fertility treatments everyone pretty much knew everything about our journey...day 1's, shot days, ultra sound days, procedure days. Well, this month, here goes the "maybe this is too personal part", I had the idea to try an ovulation test kit. We haven't used one for months. When doing fertility treatments, at least the kind we were doing, we didn't need to because the last shot of every cycle controlled, down to the hour, when I would ovulate. And after the last procedure failed, we just didn't want to use one of those kits. It's not that they are difficult or annoying, we were just done. We wanted a baby so badly, but we didn't know how to get there. We needed to rest, relax, get through the transition from seminary to first call, and just be. But this month, four days ago actually, I decided, why not check to see if we are anywhere near ovulation (I had lots of sticks leftover from before fertility treatments). The first time the stick was a negative. The next day I didn't even bother with one. The day after, two days ago, the stick told me that I would be ovulating soon. I was filled with this overwhelming sense that I needed to ask you all to pray for us, that maybe this would be the month, and tell you that this is the time, please, please pray for us now, in this very moment. But I waited a day...

I have tears falling as I write this, because we have a little bit of hope this month, and we haven't felt that for a very long time. Maybe it's being surrounded by pregnant people (they are everywhere here, people have their kids one a year, it's wild)...or all the people who are just waiting and wondering when we'll have news (at least once a week we are asked if we have kids, and it we plan to, of course we answer no and then yes). We're scared because we remember that maybe I can't ovulate fully without hormone shots, and we're scared because many times before an ovulation test kit told us I was ovulating, only to have another month of sorrow. But for now we will hope with everything in us, and we will beg God as we wait. We've been here before...we want different results, and we don't know if we will get them, or how, but we know that Jesus, our friend, is with us now and always.

Just another manic Monday...

Monday was stress city at our house, probably one of the most stressful we've had since residing in the great state of Montana (well second to the second week that was giant stress). I do not do well with the start of new things, never have. I get all weird and scared and nervous and it's all I can think about. I was ready for preschool the next day, but I didn't feel like it. Monday is Joel's day in Big Sandy. But since he worked most of the weekend I told him I needed him all day on Monday...it was go time for the preschool teacher. I was excited about the type of job I was about to embark on, and thankful that it wasn't an office job, but I was scared. Um, play with kids I can do, teach them something? Ha...um, not so sure about that! I had the entire Monday planned out, minute by minute, and I had lists, lots of lists! I was ready to get ready!

Of course we started the morning with coffee (not on the deck, though I did have "sitting on the deck" on my list), followed by what was intended to be a walk for exercise, which was also on my list...this sort of backfired and changed the course of the day..."do you have a key" I asked as I was locking the door and shutting it, "yea" Joel responded, followed by an "oh wait" and a slam...oops! He had the church keys, but we forgot a house key. We were locked out. All four doors that could have let us in were locked (we're good at locking up!). We walked to the church and grabbed a big pile of old keys wondering if one of them would let us in, but no luck. It was now or never to find out which parishioners had a key to our house (we assumed they all did!). Back to the church we went. We called Kyle, Betty Jo, Vicky and no one answered. We called Cherie at work, no answer, we called Cherie at home who told us to call Bob who also wasn't home. We called Jodie at work who said to call Kyle who we had already tried. No one had a key. We saw Vicky drive by and got excited, she was on her way to the library, we could call her there! We tried, no answer. We waited, we gathered a giant screw driver and a ladder...we were going to break in! I had things to get done! Then we called Vicky one last time, and she answered and SHE HAD A KEY! She might be the only one out there with one besides us...whew! Of course the key was at her house and she was at work but she went to get it and we were let in! The whole escapade only took a couple of hours...and I might not have slept much Monday night, but I did get as ready as I was gonna be and following Tuesday morning coffee I made it to my first day of preschool with time to spare!

P.S. Though we thought about it, there was no way we were going to call the local sheriff, whose son goes to my preschool, to help us break into our house...we would have ended up in the "Wingnuts & Dingbats" section of the local newspaper...no way!!

Parenthood on TV

Do any of you watch the show Parenthood on NBC Tuesday nights? If not, you totally should! It's so good. Last night was the season premiere. And while we were watching it, I said to Joel "I have to blog about that...".

It is a show full of brothers and sisters and their spouses, or dating life (a couple of them are single) and life and it's craziness...

One of the sisters and her husband have one little girl in school and want to have another baby. We learned last season that they more than likely won't be able to, something medically wrong with her. I know, this is all a fictional story line, but I'm still drawn to it. I cried last season as I watched their pain of wanting a baby so badly...

On last night's episode this character decided she wants to "buy the latte lady's baby." What? What? Buy the latte lady's baby?! I shouldn't even be repeating this, but I would buy a latte lady's baby! Let me explain...at this characters office, a lady pushes around a latte cart and sells coffee (I so need to work in one of those offices one day). She is the latte lady. She is pregnant and giving the baby away. So, in comes the desire to buy the latte lady's baby...hmmm, latte, baby...sweet...I hope this story line plays out so she does indeed get to buy, or rather adopt, the latte lady's baby...one mom who has a gift to willingly give, one mom whose longing can be fulfilled, 2 moms connected by coffee and a baby. Sounds pretty perfect to me.

Preschool...

Yesterday was preschool open house day. Oh. My. It was CRAZY! Kids came out of the wood-works (or rather the wheat fields)...as the ol' saying goes! The room has been painted, the welcome signs are hung, the coat and back pack hooks are assigned, supplies purchased...the teacher is ready, almost!

Only 12 kids came yesterday, which I know isn't too overwhelming, but they brought with them siblings, both older and younger, and parents, and the room was full...little kids were running wild and the entire floor was covered in toys...legos, blocks, cars, kitchen toys, puzzles, books, etc. It was wild. And I had to chuckle...one mom brought her 3 year old who will be in class, her 2 year old and another little surprise 3 year old friend who will also be in class...and they stayed the entire time, the 3rd people to get there, the last to leave. I honestly wondered when 5pm rolled around if they were going to leave. It finally occurred to me that preschool open house was the social event of the day, or maybe even the week, this is a small town after all. It was fun and overwhelming. I had to prompt the parents to ask me questions, even suggesting they ask me things like where I am from! A few of the moms finally opened up and Pastor Joel and one of the dads hit it off. The most overwhelming for me was the constant question "how many kids will be in class?". I answered with a "13, I think". I really don't know though.

Here's some background: The history of the preschool has been to have 4 year olds come. This year myself and the head of the christian education committee (who oversees the preschool) got the big idea to try and add a one day a week 3 year old class. So, I contacted a list of 3 year old parents provided by the elementary school. I called them, I sent them letters, I talked with several of them many times, and I met with a couple of them. We needed at least 5 to have a class and I only had 4 committ. So, we cancelled that idea...on to the 4 year olds. But of course, some of the 3 year old parents still want their kids to come and so we told those four 3 year olds that they could come if they wanted to.

Now, at the risk of making this way too long and drawn out, I'll get to the point. With the kids who showed up yesterday, that I did not know were coming, and the three 3 year olds that will come, I may have 15 kids, by myself. The "by myself" thing is the sort of problem here. I won't know if it's really a problem til Tuesday. But it seemed to me that the parents were concerned about there being too many in class. I think I need an assistant! But we can't pay one, and I could offer free tuition to a mom, but all of the moms either work or have little ones at home who would have to come and run around in the class, just adding to the already lots of kids...hmmmm! Not sure what next week will bring. The first day is the 13th. I will have ages 3-5 in class. Three of the kids came last year as 4 year olds but have birthdays that just missed the public school cut off so they are back in preschool. Three of them are shy little timid 3 year olds who have never been away from mom...should be an adventure, to say the least. I did have one little girl tell me she loved me as she left...gotta love little kids and their instant acceptance of the teacher, ha!

Up the ladder...

Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I envisioned us on a ladder. We were fighting to get to the top, through trees, through falling objects, we just needed to get to the top. We were a little more than half way there. We were reaching. At the top was contentment. The top was our journey filled with pain, but bearable. There was not happiness nor was there longing fulfilled, but there was the very clear way to being a family of 2, there was hope that we can navigate this family of two thing, forever. We love being us, we just want so much more. I imagine, probably because I'm good at making stories up in my head, that some of you are bored or annoyed with this blog...I wouldn't be surprised if you don't read it anymore...It feels like it's the same words over and over again. The same pain, the same lack of hope, the same tears. I probably wrote what I am writing now, a year ago, 3 months ago, 2 weeks ago. I don't really know what to compare this pain to. And I don't know why it won't end. Every one who deals with infertility deals with it differently. And maybe if our infertility was explained we would deal with it differently. But for now, as we keep on traveling, we remain sad, confused, mad. It's so darn hard. I was wishing today that someone, well God really, would tell us what the deal is here. If we can't have kids we'd like to know, if we can have them but not for 10 years, we'd like to know. But such is life, not knowing, always wondering, barely hoping, and lots o' tears.

infertility

I've contemplated, mostly at 5am this morning, whether or not I should write this blog post but here I am. Yesterday on our way home from car shopping in Helena, we stopped at Scheel's (the MT and ND version of REI) in Great Falls. We walked around their display at the entrance to men's clearance. As Joel was shopping I turned and right in front of me was a very pregnant lady in a tight white t-shirt and jean shorts. I stopped in my tracks and in that instant I labeled myself as infertile and her as pregnant. I felt like time stood still as I contemplated what this meant. It just hit me so hard and as I lay awake thinking about that moment early this morning I cried. We were two different people. I hoped she didn't notice me staring because I'm pretty sure I was. She had something I wanted. I wanted it so much more than I wanted anything else in that store as we continued shopping. I could not buy what she had. I could buy a jacket that I really liked, but it was nothing compared to what I wanted but couldn't have. Then I thought about how she had no idea I was infertile and how she had no idea that simply being there in that moment brought me so much pain. While it was so evident to all who laid eyes on her that she was pregnant, the eyes looking upon us saw no signs of our infertility pain. You cannot see what we are in that part of our lives, like you can see that she is pregnant. I was heartbroken. While her being pregnant brings her, what I imagine to be,joy, happiness, giddiness, nervousness, anxiousness, excitement, pain, laughter, love...our being infertile brings us sadness, pain, loss of hope and yearning for something we don't know if we can have. If only it were as easy as walking into Scheel's and buying what we want more than anything in the world. If only. For now, we will go into our shell which hides our pain from the world, from those around us, and from those outside of this blog. We will cry and hold onto each other. And we will wonder if this shell of pain that so envelopes us will ever open up.

Coffee

I have finally found someone who understands my love for and view of coffee. I haven't met her but she is the author of "fresh-brewed life", a stirring invitation to wake up your soul! I love coffee. And my love for it does not come from the caffeine, despite what many may think. I've often felt embarrassed by this love...mainly because people have made fun of me, or watched and actually counted the amount of coffee I drink in a morning, or made comments about my love for coffee. Seriously, this is not about the caffeine. It sort of is in that I do drink it every day, and would get a headache if i didn't but it is so much more than that. Here is an excerpt from the introduction to the book:

"Would you like coffee this morning? There is rarely a morning out when this offer fails to bring joy to my heart. At home the first thing I do in the morning is put on the coffee. Just the sound of the brewing perks me up. Often my soul does this little dance when the aroma of freshly ground beans starts to fill the kitchen.

Coffee bring warmth and comfort to my life. Part ritual, part relationship, part hope, having a cup in my hand feels as natural as holding a pencil. It stirs up memories and gratitude inside of me.

...Coffee is an invitation. When someone invites you to get coffee, it isn't that he or she is thirsty; more likely, that person just wants to spend time with you...coffee is an invitation to life."

I imagine some of you are rolling your eyes at me about right now! And that's ok. The author tells about having "coffee-milk" with her grandma early in the morning when she was about 5 years old. It is a memory. I share coffee-milk with my niece who is 8...it's one part coffee, 4 parts milk, and 3 parts sugar! And it's about the memory...she loves sharing that with aunt melissa, and I love having that little moment with her!

Joel and I love the act of act of sharing a cup of coffee either on the deck or the couch each morning. It's about the coffee, but it's also about the ritual. I love having coffee with friends or family or people I barely know but want to get to know. It's about the time and the relationship.

So, this is all the reason for my coffee kitchen as I like to call it. It's decorated with coffee pictures, it has two pots, one for regular, one for decaf, or 2for regular if need be, it has creamer, sugar, milk. I can meet all of your coffee needs. I even have hot chocolate, orange juice, ice water and some rootbeer if you'd rather indulge in one of those. It's about the memory remember. Anyone want to have coffee with me?

Stepping...

The question often on our minds is what is the next step to take on our infertility journey. We keep thinking about the clinic in Billings and our dear friend back home telling us to not let a lot of time pass before we call that clinic. And that is what we want to do. We want to meet with someone who will understand and who can help us in some way. We do still think about adoption, and to be honest, we want a baby so badly that if adoption will make it happen sooner, we want that. But we can't give up the hope of being pregnant. And right now it feels the only way for that to happen is to talk with a fertility clinic. While adopting you are not allowed to seek fertility help. You actually have to write a letter stating when you stopped doing treatments or persuing help and how you overcame the sadness of that decision. But we simply aren't ready to give up trying. It doesn't seem fair that we can't be pregnant. We don't understand at all. Some days we hope, some days we talk about a plan, and some days we talk about what it will look like to not ever have kids. It's one of those things that we long for so deeply we can't imagine ever overcoming the sadness of it not happening. But time will tell. We'll keep praying and once we have the handy dandy paperwork from insurance in our hands giving us proof of covereage we will make a phone call to Billings. We don't know with our schedules if we will even be able to get an appointment scheduled but I'm gonna at least call to find out.

Family and Friends

In the almost 4 weeks that we've lived here we've had a lot of visitors! First Jim, Joel's dad, drove out here with us and stayed for a few days, then his parents came back the next week to check out our new abode, churches and communities! Then we had Joel's sister Elizabeth, her husband Ryan and their kids Blazer, Dash and Finely here! That was an adventure filled and relaxing visit playing lots of super hero...the day after they arrived friend Lindsay came for the night! She was en-route to Alaska and was able to stop by Big Sandy on her journey! What fun to have her here for the night. We had a house full and we loved it. And everyone was able to experience the local Bear Paw Coffee Shop and Deli (their caramel rolls are a Big Sandy must). We have to admit, yesterday, walking in after a long day of painting the preschool (for me) and a full day of work in Havre (for Joel) we were looking for people and more noise. It felt strangely quiet. We didn't know what to do! So we left the house to get the mail. And today comes lots of cleaning and lawn mowing and more settling in. We like living here. It's very peaceful. And we like all of the space we have. Now we just need to take some time to finish unpacking, get into a routine, go on a date night, buy a new 4wd vehicle, and get our basement ready for even more visitors. Anyone? You are all welcome!

A year of fun...

For one week we got to watch the TV channel Style for free. Darn Dishnetwork, I started watching 2 shows on it, and I thought we got the channel. But today, one week and one day after getting dish hooked up, the channel disappeared. It is no longer part of our package, well it never was. It was their way of getting us to upgrade. And in a way it worked, I haven't upgraded yet, but I am hooked. Ugh! Maybe I can watch the two shows I am hooked on online. The shows are Giuliana and Bill (Rancid) and Tia and Tamara. Ok, I admit, I have always been intrigued with Tia and Tamera because I am also an identical twin. I watched the first episode, and I really want to keep watching the rest! The Giuliana (not sure on the spelling) and Bill show is fascinating, mostly in part because they talk openly about their infertility journey. I want to know them. I want to call them up. I might even try to track them down! After failed IUI's (what we have done) and 2 failed attempts of IVF (on the first try she got pregnant and miscarried, the second try failed) they have decided to stop treatments and just have a year of fun where they can do what they want, when they want, and not have to pay attention to calendars and hormones and shot dates, etc. It seemed like it would be a freeing idea. But you see, with infertility, it never really goes away. And in the midst of their year of fun Giuliana got wind of a holistic fertility doctor in New York and despite Bill sort of dragging his feet, they made an appt. The doctor told them to do acupuncture. And with that, hopefully it works, but with that, their year of fun wasno more. But it probably never really ever was...because when you are going through infertility each month, even if you didn't do a treatment or count days or use an ovulation test kit, you still hope and wonder and are crushed if once again you are not pregnant. When you do fertility treatments you are very in tune to your body. You are pretty sure, even without kits or sticks, when the right time to try is and with that comes a little bit of hope. But then you are reminded that the month before and the month before that, it didn't work. And you want to throw out every thing baby related in your house, or at least hide it. We now have a big house. But I hate it when I open a box in the basement, not remembering what is in it, and see something baby related (a stuffed animal, a blanket, an outfit, either given to us in hope, or purchased in hope) because it makes me so darn sad. I think I will try to watch their show online and maybe just maybe their journey will have a happy ending. And maybe ours will to someday.

A hope gone awry

Over the past couple of weeks I've had a million different thoughts in my head about infertility. We go from hoping to wondering if we need to get used to being a forever family of 2 and what that will look like for us. We are often asked "do you have kids," and when we say "no" we are then asked "no as in never or no not yet?" We always say no not yet, and the person asking gets so excited. And in my head I tell them all about how we don't know if we can have kids and we've been trying for nearly 4 years and we've had fertility treatments and nothing works. But we say nothing, we just smile and nod. One lady got so excited with our "not yet" that she said maybe something was on the horizon, she was giddy. And all I could think about was how nope, there is nothing on the horizon except maybe a phone call to the Billings clinic. We cry and we get angry and then we get sad. Because if nothing has worked yet, what if that means it never will? I know people have said they really believe we will be parents. But to be honest...in this day, I can't even imagine it anymore. We used to long to have a little us, to be pregnant, to give birth, to go through all of that, but now we can't even imagine it because it feels like it will never happen. I know, I know, we're supposed to keep the hope. But I guess that is what we need you for.

Parsonage Pictures

I wanted to posted some pics here, more will come to facebook soon...and please note, these pics are taken in the midst of messy unpacking!

The pictures are: Bathroom upstairs, deck on the back of the house, garage 9on the side of the house in the back), front of house, laundry roo, (just off the kitchen), living room, dining room, kitchen.

It's the little things...

Like having a drawer for the dish towels and one for the dish rags, so everything has a place! Having room for the dishes, clothes (well we haven't unpacked them all yet so time will tell with that one), the toothbrushes, the...well pretty much everything. I don't even know how to organize the bathroom going from our seminary one to the multiple drawers and cupboards one we have now! It even has a closest. The hall way has 3 closets! It's a blessing. It's overwhelming. It's weird. And by weird I mean we still sit here every night wondering if we really live here, and if indeed we do, if this place is really in small town Montana. It all seems very surreal. But as Joel schedules marriage counseling and prepares for his first Sunday and his first funeral next week, it all becomes more like regular normal every day life (as if being a pastor is regular or normal!). We're still getting our bearings which will take a while and we're still unpacking and begging for mercy if anyone from the church pops in and sees all of our boxes! But we have found the coffee shop in town, within walking distance (well I guess in this small town pretty much anything is), the library, the post office, the hardware store, we've been on 2 bike rides around town and the kitchen is all unpacked and the beds made...we're on a roll and we're very slowly making this place home. Oh and of course, we didn't forget to water last night! We wouldn't want to ruin that impression the first week here:)

Behind a glass wall

We can see through it but we cannot get to the other side, it's a glass wall. It's a glass wall of infertility. It's what separates us from so many people and so many things. It's silent, you can't see it, but we know it is there. We don't like it because the pain is so deep, but we don't know how to get rid of it. We hear news of people who have been on our side of the glass wall that no longer are, that have joyous news of miracles to be, and though we rejoice for them and the change in their story, we still have our pain. We have the hope that one day we will see the glass wall crumble, that we will get to be parents, but we don't see a way. We know that Jesus is with us in this desert place, in our hopelessness and our fear, he resides with us on our side of the glass wall, but we still don't understand. Some days we ignore the glass wall, we get pretty good at that, but other days we are so sad. Other days we allow ourselves to dream and pretend that it will happen, that this journey will have a happy ending, some days we wonder if we should open the adoption door back up, or if we're really ready to close the door for treatments. We wonder a lot and we think a lot. Maybe the Billings clinic, once we get around to calling it and once we have health insurance paperwork in place, maybe then they will help us in ways we could never have imagined. For now, we take some moments each day to pray for miracles and we wait and some days we even find a little bit of hope on our side of the glass wall.

Tears

I wrote this entry on July 10 but am just now posting it...I didn't have wireless internet at the time...
July 10, 2011
Tears, tears, tears…it feels hopeless. I think about why we started this blog and how here we are 3 and a half years into this journey and we still have a dream that seems impossible. We still blame God. We still don’t get his timing. We still have empty arms. It sucks, sucks, sucks. And we don’t understand it. Just when we start to have a little hope we are crushed again, ugh, ugh, ugh. Why, why, why? We both told the other today we were bummed about life. “Which part of life” I asked Joel…”the baby part” he said, “me too” I said. I guess it’s good to cry about it. It’s good to be sad and mad and scared and hopeful and hopeless…because it’s what we are and that is all we can offer before the feet of our Jesus...wholly ourselves. It’s the silent pain we share, with you here and with each other. You will see our tears from time to time and hear us voice our pain but it’s so much a silent pain we carry. It is such a HUGE part of our lives. But it is so quiet. We are meant to rejoice when good news is shared, while on the inside, and sometimes even the outside, the tears are falling. It’s rough but it’s our life.

It's a wine sort of day...

Yep, wine I said! A while ago we went out in the back yard at Joel's parents house with a blanket and a glass of wine each to hang in the great outdoors. The sun is what we needed. The conversation and relaxing is what we needed. We didn't even talk about another day 1 arriving today, we didn't talk about sadness, dreams, hope, hopelessness, babies, treatments, adoption, the billings clinic, our desires, our anger. They were all there. But a day one when you are not doing treatments is way more expected than when you are doing them. Today was more annoying than unexpected. We'll still get sad. But we're in a different place. The only way to explain it is to say that we don't have hope anymore. We had it when we were doing treatments, but we don't even know if we can get pregnant without treatments, and 5 treatments didn't work. So, such is our life. We still want babies and we still long for them and feel angry that we can't have them. But we don't know if we will ever have them. Instead of planning things like nurseries for our multiple treatment babies we will plan guest rooms, exercise rooms, craft rooms, a man cave, our bedroom...but nothing kid related. We'll keep the boxes marked "baby things" lost in the corner of a storage room in the basement and we'll stop looking with longing at all things baby...it's just where we're at. It's less emotional, maybe because we're mad and the sadness isn't new, just a part of our life. We'll still talk to God about it and we'll still wonder if it will ever happen. But we're also still processing why the heck we went through all of that Mayo stuff and felt God was part of it only to have 5 negative results. We'll still take the metformin and the increased dose of thyroid meds because the Mayo doc wants us to...but we'll be frustrated at the way the thyroid meds change me, and we'll be thankful that the metformin is hopefully doing something that can help the chemicals and hormones work together to create just the right numbers and combination for life creating. We'll be bummed that we can't take the clomid this month, or the next, or the next...because if we need that to make this happen, along with the shots, we're willing to go through all of it again, if we just knew it would work. Ugh! Bring on the coffee, the wine and the rest of our vacation...continued relaxing will indeed be good for our souls.

What a trip!

Our first call adventures have started already, and we haven't even technically moved to the great big giant and deserted state of Montana! Here's the story:
PART 1
On the 17th of June we loaded another u-haul. We reserved a 17th foot one...which was waaaayy smaller in person than we thought it would be. "We can leave *fill in the blank* if it won't fit," is something I said a lot that day. I literally was sorting things in my head that could be left behind...the desk that isn't even all put together, the old dresser from cousin Donna in Montana who said she never wanted to see it again, the plastic drawers (which did end up getting left cuz I didn't want them)...but it all fit. That thing was crammed full. And towards the end of filling it I disappeared to clean the bathroom because I was convinced it wouldn't all fit...I even offended our friend and his wife with my doubt, he was in the back trying to organize things and both him and his wife were certain it would fit, and it did. Next time we're ordering the 24 footer so I don't have to stress! Our last night in the cities was filled with Punch pizza (oh how I miss you punch), grand ole' creamery, a campfire on campus and a slumber party at our friends' Sarah and Paige. I cried as we left campus the next morning, and the cities, and Minnesota and I cried a lot the night before as we turned the keys to our apartment in...I wasn't ready to leave the seminary bubble. We were sad. What an incredible 4 year seminary journey we had!

PART 2
Saturday morning we were off! With the goal to make it to our friend Trichelle's ordination at 2 pm in Medina, ND right along the interstate...and we made it! Following the service we loaded up on church coffee (MUCH NEEDED by the afternoon) and cake and were off to Glendive, MT for the night, or so we thought. In Bismarck we hit a mega storm...I mean huge, we raced it though and beat the really bad clouds! We had to drive through some horrid rain and there were tornadoes 40 miles south of us heading North, but we beat it (our last huurah with mid-west storms before hitting the west)! We were so tired by the time we got to Glendive only to find out there were no hotel rooms...poor trip planning meant we didn't pre-reserve a room...ugh! There isn't much out there in some parts of MT! And so, we called the AK relatives, our personal travel agency, and asked them to google hotels in Miles City, an hour away...they found and reserved us probably the only room left in South Eastern Mt and we trekked there...this journey took a lot of coffee and dance party music to keep us awake!

The next day we left the hotel an hour late, not realizing how many hours we had left, and we started down the interstate (the wrong way we later found out after talking to the Big Sandy-ers) and I noticed a u-haul tire looking funny, and then I noticed a piece of tire flying at me in the car, and then I got scared and walkie-talkied Joel to tell him to take the next exit. Ha! We found one, with no services of course, pulled off the interstate...and yep, flat, ruined, popped. U-haul has roadside assistance...but after much time on the phone and waiting they found a repair guy in Billings, 3 hours from us. What? We were thinking, there is a town 12 miles back. But it was Sunday. Maybe it was the only place open or the only u-haul place. So, we found ourselves surrounded by miles and miles of nothing...chilling, waiting, waiting, waiting! We did leave a note saying who the u-haul belonged to (after again calling the AK relatives who always seem to be by a computer to google the non-emergency Montana State Patrol # to notify them of our abandoned u-haul so we could head into town), as we went in search of bathroom, food and most importantly, coffee!

We were back on the road by 3 that day and had a hotel room reserved (again thanks for the AK relatives google searching) in Malta, MT. At this point in our journey we begin to realize that there is no direct way from the East to get to North Central MT. We drove across some crazy roads! But we made it to Malta that night and were pleasantly surprised at the hotel...nice it was!

Part 3
Monday the 20th of June we finally arrived with u-haul in Big Sandy! There was a crew of about 8 people to help us unload and the Interim Pastor, still residing in the parsonage, made us soup. It was so nice to have a meal and people to help us unload! We left everything in the storage room in the basement, which has recently been flooded. I watched as our couch, dresser, desk, etc. we set down on paint cans, just in case the flooding happened again. It was still spring in MT. It was not hot. It wasn't cold, but it was cloudy and not hot yet.

Then some big sandy-ers took the u-haul back to Havre for us so we could get on the road headed west. Moving done (for now), vacation awaits! We made it to Great Falls before seeking out a local coffee shop! We gotta find thought to make this move work, hehe! Ok, we can have our own espresso making kitchen, by near-by good coffee shops really are a must:)!

Enough about this journey...more to come...I broke it into parts to make it not so long, or so you can skip parts for less reading! Enjoy:)

My heart is at the beach...

That's a saying we saw today. And to us it is very meaningful...we love the beach. It's so good for our souls to be here. Playing in the ocean, running through the sand, listening to the waves and seeing the amazing sunsets. Our hearts are at the beach. Maybe second call can be closer to the beach:) Ok, so we're getting ahead of ourselves. But Joel and I really do need the beach, as much as we love it, we also need it. Today as I was holding the hands of Rylee and Kaylie and we were crouched down in the cold pacific ocean water, I loved the sounds of their screeches as the waves came in and washed over us. We would see them coming from way out and we would wait...wait...wait, ah, the crash! It was very cold but very refreshing. Joel's goal was to dive in...but then he decided it was too cold. I concurred! We got used to the temp of the water eventually, but never enough to dive in. We were covered in salty, cold, and thrilling ocean water though, and it was amazing! We love the beach. We didn't see the sun today and we felt rain drops for a lot of the day, but it didn't matter, we still played. And played hard! Last night we stood at the edge of the ocean, with Rylee and Kaylie running around us, we held hands, and we asked God to give us babies. We did that same thing the last time we were at the beach and it didn't work, but maybe this time it will. We feel so close to God at the beach.

Vehicles

We think we will need to purchase a four wheel drive vehicle sometime in the next few months. We are moving to Montana, 45 miles south of Canada, to a little town called Big Sandy. The road in front of our house (the parsonage) is dirt/gravel. In the winter and spring we just might need more than our front wheel drive toyota camry! So, we've been looking at vehicles. And for a couple of weeks, as we dreamed about having babies to fill a vehicle, we had our hearts set on a Toyota sienna because we read and heard on the news that they have great safety ratings and they come in four wheel drive. But now we don't know if we will have babies to fill a mini van so maybe we'll get a pick-up. A chevy or a toyota. An old one but a good one. It's funny because when you want to be pregnant of course you see pregnant people everywhere, your eyes are drawn to them. And when you want a certain van or suv or pick-up you are drawn to them. In Big Sandy we have to haul our own garbage. So probably a pick-up is the better choice anyway. A pick-up with a dog in the back!

Calling Mayo

I had to call Mayo on Tuesday. I should have called them on Monday. Day 1 was Sunday. But you don't call about Day 1 on a weekend. I thought about calling all day on Monday but I just couldn't. I was dreading it. I was scared. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But I knew on Tuesday that I had to call. That was Day 3. You never wait til mid morning on Day 3 to call. I didn't know if I should tell the front desk lady who answers that I really didn't need to be calling because we are moving to Montana but that I wanted them to know, or just tell her that the test was negative and let her tell me that the nurse would call me back. I did the latter. In the moment that is all I could do. And I really wanted to talk to a nurse. An hour later, which they never take that long to call back, Dawn called. She was sad for us. I had tears running down my face. It was so hard. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to do because we are moving to Montana which she already knew. Basically it was a call to let them know about the negative test and for me to ask if I could please please call them anytime I need to. She said absolutely. They can't help a lot from a distance, but she said to call anytime. That is what I needed to hear. That is why I called really. I knew they wouldn't or couldn't say they could help in the moment. But I needed to hear that they are there. It makes me cry writing this, I don't know, I am so glad they are there and so sad that it didn't work and so scared that it will never work and so confused and angry that we will have to call the clinic in Billings. I wanted to have to call the Billings doctors because we were pregnant with multiple babies and they were our doctors. But no such thing. We're just sad. We're mad. But we're also really sad.

Pancakes

A few weekends ago we traveled to Michigan for Joel to be the best man in a wedding. On the way to and from the wedding site we stayed at a Holiday Inn Express just outside of Rockford, IL and we encountered, for the first time ever, the pancake machine! Maybe you all have seen one of these before (refer to picture) but we had not and we were in awe! All you had to do was push a button and in less than a minute 2 pancakes were produced! It was fascinating and the pancakes were delicious. You know those hotel waffle makers and how they are often surrounded by a mess? Well, not with the pancake machine! We would recommend every hotel waffle maker be replaced. It was legen...wait for it......dary (that's for all of you HIMYM fans out there)! Seriously. If you ever get a chance to travel through Illinois stop at this hotel and have a pancake or two. You won't regret this decision! But make sure you have lots o' change for the tolls along the way.

A good feeling...

Last week a friend said to me she had a good feeling about us one day getting pregnant. As much as I like to hear that, I am also skeptical. I mean, we've hoped, expected, longed for, listened to words like this...for years now. And we still have empty arms. There is nothing like empty arms. We're pretty sad. We want what this friend said to give us hope, but if we have hope we also have fear that comes and goes each month. Month after month. So, maybe she's right. Maybe God will allow us to be pregnant someday. And we will get to a place where we can talk to him about it again without getting angry. But it sure is hard right now to believe that we will be able to one day have a little part Joel part me to be parents to.

Confusion

Last week found us in the midst of one more negative test result...and we were so sure this time. But round 5 failed, epically. By epically we mean that all 5 treatments failed. All we got out of those 5 treatments was a bill, meds that make me gain weight, and a super nice doctor. We're thankful for the doctor. Devastated by the failure. We're so confused. And so mad. Most of the confusion and anger are directed at God right now...every appointment fell into place for us, only one interfered with Joel's classes, well he missed 1 and a half classes, it all seemed so right. Back when we first tried to get an appointment they didn't even ask questions, just scheduled us. It all felt like the road we were suppose to travel. Back in December, after we first met with our doctor, it seemed a sure thing that it would work. Then came the yo yo of hope and pain. The ups and downs of hormones and tears and dreams of a dream finally coming true. All of it with no result in the end. We're sad and mad. We're trying to work through it, but almost don't have the energy this time. Like Joel said just yesterday, the finality of failed treatment number 5 is really really hard. We can only hope that with time the pain fades. And maybe somewhere along the road we can find hope again, in the midst of pure devastation.

birthdays...

I've been on a blog hiatus since we've had to much going on! But finally I have a chance to write.
yesterday at work a lady stopped by the front desk to complain to me about having a birthday party for her 2-year old twins this weekend. Really? I wanted to scream at her to stop talking, don't do this to me I was thinking, I don't want to hear this. I really really didn't want to hear it. I would do anything to be having a birthday party this weekend for our 2 year old twins. It would be epic, for sure. Another lady at work gave birth to twins this week...wonderful! But oh so hard.
We are right smack in the middle of the waiting after another treatment. It feels like we had the last treatment forever ago, when really it was just a week ago yesterday. The waiting, the fear, it is all so hard. The wondering if I feel different this time, the feeling, literally, of being all pumped up on hormones. We are so scared it didn't work. I keep telling God that I really don't think we can handle another negative test, it's too hard. But I know he will give us what we need, he will be there, and he instills a hope in us that couldn't come from anywhere but him. So, we wait and we try to distract ourselves with things like running errands, maybe packing a box or two and having some fun!

It's go time tomorrow...

We go for round 5 tomorrow, Friday May 27. There are 3 follicles this time...there have been 3 before. It seems like a good number. This time around it sort of feels like we are going through the motions, without all of the hoping. That's probably ok. I mean, somewhere inside of us there is hope, but there is also fear that if we start dreaming about 3 babies we will be crushed again. But we'll go tomorrow and we'll pray our hearts out that those 3 follicles can be fertilized and grow. A year ago or so I actually had a real dream about us having 3 babies. But to even write that ignites fear in me. Because I can hope the dream meant it will happen, but I have hoped that before.

We've had some hormone induced freak outs this go around...well, to be honest, we have them every time. But this time it seemed more intense. Joel would even call my cleaning frenzies hormone induced! But we are making it day by day!

There will probably be some car dancing on the ride down, cuz we *heart* dancing...party style or car style! And there will be coffee and waiting and probably napping. It's actually pretty low key...we might explore the Mayo underground subway level some more and look at our favorite art work there or simply people watch near the water indoor fall. We are nervous, scared and excited all in one. Tomorrow is gonna be the day...let it be, please Jesus, let it be.

A consultation day...

Last Monday, May 9th we went for a consultation on what's next with our Mayo doctor. We thought it would be a sad day, and it sort of was. But the sun was shining bright and we left early enough to have a coffee break at Mayo before our appointment. We sat outside, sipped and ate sweet treats from a sweet friend...see picture of us eating amazing cake pops (seriously...thanks Lindsay!). We were pretty nervous going into this visit. I always get worked up about things like this. Joel was much more calm...a good balance as we took yet another step in our infertility journey.

The nurse took us back and check us in then we read old magazines and waited. The door opened and in walked...not Dr. Jensen? What? I did a double take. Who was this person. It was not our doctor. But she was very nice and introduced herself as Dr. Phoebe (something, can't remember the last name, who is a fellow of Dr. Jensen's) and then she pulled up our file. I was near tears at this point. She showed us all the follicles that have been produced and how great things looked and then she said she was sorry, they don't know why we can't get pregnant. They are as confused as we are. Then came the dreaded talk about IVF. I say dreaded because it costs so much. She did say that in the 15,000-17,000 range that is costs for us it would be 15! But, let's be real, that just isn't an option for us right now. So, with heads spinning she left the room to get Dr. Jensen.

If I was writing another post I would call it: Dr. Jensen Saves the Day! She is simply amazing. So, so kind and caring to us. The first thing she did was say how very sorry she was that we were having to be there not pregnant. Usually I start the meds on Day 3 of the cycle...but Dr. Jensen, the day saver, said...no, you can start them today, let's move everything back, let's do whatever we can to help you guys while you still live here. The next few minutes were filled with excitement and calendar counting and prescription writing and lab test ordering! Was intense.

The kindest thing, besides setting up another treatment for us, that Dr. Jensen did was tell us that her door is always open, her phone is always available...even after we move, to call anytime.

Sigh of relief, deep breath, we can do this. We have people at Mayo who care about us. Put us in coach...we're ready, bring it on!

P.s.: check out those delicious and fun looking cake pops in the pictures! If you want to know how to purchase your very own let me know!