Confessions

This is a messy topic.  And a pretty random post.  I'm not even sure I should be writing but my thoughts have been consuming me lately so I thought maybe writing here would help...

First of all, I haven't written in years.  This blog started out to share our journey through infertility.  Then it just kind of stopped because I was trying to figure out how to raise baby twins!  Who are 4 now.  Time flies. 

You know what?  Our infertility wasn't cured with the birth of our now 3 fertility treatment babies.  Should it be?  Is something wrong with me?  I think something is wrong with me.  We had IVF twins, first go around, 3 embryos in the freezer.  For two and a half years I thought about our freezer babies.  I imagined a car full of them.  Then came the unfreezing.  One didn't survive.  The other two were transferred in to me...our sweet Hadley Hope came to be!  Her twin didn't end up implanting.  Maybe it's the loss of those two embryos that I have never really processed that brings me to being consumed with my thoughts about infertility...

But, you guys, it didn't go away.  I don't think it ever will.  But I do think I'm supposed to be in a better place than where I am now.   It's so up and down.  I feel blessed and overwhelmed that I am a mom to my sweet girls.  I feel sad that we couldn't have more babies.  I feel crushed that my body was never able to make a baby but thankful it was able to grow my girls.  We've been trying for months to have another baby, but maybe this is the end of that journey...maybe I'm losing my strength and courage to hope and to dream.  Maybe this is it.  And if it is, thanks be to God that I have the journey I have.  I'm not ungrateful.  I'm so very grateful.  But as the saying goes, the days are long, the years are short.  The days are hard.  I'm burdened with that every day because yes, the days are so very hard...but so many people never get to experience these hard days, so I feel guilty that they are hard.  I'm thankful because I've been blessed with a very dear friend here whose kids love playing with mine and vice versa...what a gift that makes the long days seem not quite so long.  Oh what fun we have together!

So, I'm wondering...maybe the pain never quite goes away.  The other day I said to Hannah, thank you for making me a mommy Hannah and she said I didn't make you a mommy God did...oh from her sweet mouth...I'll never forget the moment I first saw my very first baby girl though, it was her.

And If you're wondering, this isn't about a need to have a boy...you guys I couldn't love having 3 girls more than I do.  They are precious and fun and so sweet.  I don't feel a void from not having a boy.  I didn't wish for one second after finding out Hadley was a girl that she'd been a boy, not one, not even half a second.  I thought she was a boy, I thought she was our Luke...but I'm so happy she wasn't and that she's our Hadley.  The moment I first held her the first thought that ran through my head was you've healed me baby girl...maybe that's enough.  Maybe I'll always have longing but maybe this is enough.  This is great, wonderful, awesome, fun!  Maybe this is enough.