The guilt and the joy!

I've written a lot of posts over the past year that I've never published.  I was scared.  Infertility is such a jumble of thoughts, feelings, emotions...it's part of our every day.  It's really how we got Hannah and Harper!  It's sadness and hurt and longing with miracles mixed in.

To be honest, I haven't wanted to hurt anyone, that's part of the reason I don't publish what I write as much anymore.  I haven't wanted to hurt my fertile friends, or my friends going through fertility treatments and still waiting, or all of you, regardless of what stage of life you're in...

The other reason is that I just don't always get to finish posts.  I have twins!  Yay!  (Twins who are currently in their cribs yakking at each other rather than nap, haha, I'm pretty sure, actually I know, my twin sister used to do that to my mom!).

The other reason is I've felt guilty.

Here you go...the hardest part of all of this, now that I have my two beautiful babies, is that every single time, many times a day and night, that being a mom is hard, I feel guilty.  Every single time I yell or get frustrated or mad or sad, all normal mom things, I feel guilty.  All we went through to get our miracles, all the pain all the waiting and longing and hormones and blood draws and ultra sounds and all of it...was worth it because we have our girls.  But I feel guilty.  It isn't supposed to be hard because of how long it took us to get them...which isn't true, I know.  But It's, well I'm not always sure I have the words, which is another reason I haven't written much.  I do know that other people who have been through what we have and are either growing their miracles or watching them grow...they know the words without me having to say them.  They get it.  And I'm not saying that to be mean to you or them, I'm just sometimes as a loss for words, and I know they know. 

But you know what else?  Sometimes it still feels so surreal that I feel robbed.  That feeling of it being surreal runs so deep that it doesn't seem fair.

One thing I do know though, that through it all, through the ups and downs, through the infertility that still plagues us, through the pain and the joy...I feel so blessed.  I tear up when I think about and talk about the miracle.  And the front row seat.  And I wouldn't trade any of it.  And even on my worst days, when I think there's no way we have what it takes to try to add to our family, I hope and I pray that our frozen embryos will have at least a chance to grow inside me.  And that Hannah and Harper will have a chance to be big sisters and that Joel will get to be a Daddy to more and I'll get to me a Mommy to more!  I hope and pray. 

And even with the pain, I'm so thankful that people know they can talk to me about infertility.  In the past week I've learned of two more couples doing treatments in Montana, probably both in September, them IVF, us FET, and you know what?  We can offer them hope and encouragement and so many prayers and the giggles of our own miracles.  We couldn't do that before our front row seat!  

From Montana to Florida to Reno...

Today we received a letter in the mail from our embryo storage facility.  We never get mail from them.  I usually correspond with them via email or phone.  Before opening the letter I thought, oh this must be paperwork for the transport of our embryos back to Montana in September...

But you guys, the letter started out with..."Dear Melissa Skindlov: It is with much regret that we inform you that..."

My heart stopped.  Seriously, right there in the post office I thought I would have a nervous breakdown with tears...sobbing actually...

I thought the next words were going to be something like your embryos have been destroyed on accident, or some horrid version of that...

Deep breath...

It wasn't that!  It was notifying us that our embryos will be transported to Reno, Nevada, their new storage place.  Actually it's a new company.   But the letter mentioned our Doctor and our nurse and said they work very closely with them!

To be honest, I'm still recovering from that few seconds of fear, of pending meltdown...

Joel's reponse was, "well, they've now been two places I've never been."!

We have well traveled embryos.  They started in Montana, traveled to Florida where they've been over two years, now off to Reno.  I have to call on the timeline but I think they'll arrive in Reno in time to be transported to Billings for our Frozen Embryo Transfer in September.  

Did I tell you, we have a transfer date?  September 24!  We won't have a time til it gets closer.  And we won't have a embryo report til that day.  They won't be unfrozen until then.  In a couple of weeks we start our calendar, we start pills, we start scheduling the ultra sounds I'll need...here we go again.