It's a wine sort of day...

Yep, wine I said! A while ago we went out in the back yard at Joel's parents house with a blanket and a glass of wine each to hang in the great outdoors. The sun is what we needed. The conversation and relaxing is what we needed. We didn't even talk about another day 1 arriving today, we didn't talk about sadness, dreams, hope, hopelessness, babies, treatments, adoption, the billings clinic, our desires, our anger. They were all there. But a day one when you are not doing treatments is way more expected than when you are doing them. Today was more annoying than unexpected. We'll still get sad. But we're in a different place. The only way to explain it is to say that we don't have hope anymore. We had it when we were doing treatments, but we don't even know if we can get pregnant without treatments, and 5 treatments didn't work. So, such is our life. We still want babies and we still long for them and feel angry that we can't have them. But we don't know if we will ever have them. Instead of planning things like nurseries for our multiple treatment babies we will plan guest rooms, exercise rooms, craft rooms, a man cave, our bedroom...but nothing kid related. We'll keep the boxes marked "baby things" lost in the corner of a storage room in the basement and we'll stop looking with longing at all things baby...it's just where we're at. It's less emotional, maybe because we're mad and the sadness isn't new, just a part of our life. We'll still talk to God about it and we'll still wonder if it will ever happen. But we're also still processing why the heck we went through all of that Mayo stuff and felt God was part of it only to have 5 negative results. We'll still take the metformin and the increased dose of thyroid meds because the Mayo doc wants us to...but we'll be frustrated at the way the thyroid meds change me, and we'll be thankful that the metformin is hopefully doing something that can help the chemicals and hormones work together to create just the right numbers and combination for life creating. We'll be bummed that we can't take the clomid this month, or the next, or the next...because if we need that to make this happen, along with the shots, we're willing to go through all of it again, if we just knew it would work. Ugh! Bring on the coffee, the wine and the rest of our vacation...continued relaxing will indeed be good for our souls.