Asking the why's?

When I was pondering this post I wondered how many times over the past several years I've written about why, even titled posts Why.  I'm often consumed with the why.  My brain can't wrap my head around the why us, why her, why him, why them, why, why, why?  I did not go back through past posts to count how many times I talked about why, because goodness, I've been asking why for so long...

On Sunday, in Joel's sermon, he said we need to ask the Why's...and I instantly had so many go through my mind...

Why does our friend have to go through cancer?  Why did we go through infertility?  Why did Dave, my brother-in-law have to die so many years ago?  Why did his sister Tammy have to die just a few weeks ago?  Why does one family have to endure pain at such depths again?  Why is pain so painful?  Why do bad things happen? 

I don't know.  Joel, the pastor, doesn't know.

I know that pain and the journey that throws us curve balls, shapes us, makes us who we are.  I know the pain of tragedy doesn't ever go away, but it does change.  I know being pushed to our deepest, darkest depths makes no sense.  But I know it makes us stronger. 

Here I am, almost 6 years on the other side of infertility.  That doesn't mean it went away when I had our IVF twins....to be honest, infertility is still very much a part of our lives, every single day.  I think the why's are the same way.  I know that through IVF and then FET (frozen embryo transfer) we got our 3 precious girls.  But I know that I still ask why.  I'm thankful and blessed and on the other side I wouldn't change the way we got our babies.  I am so thankful for the way we were able to watch the miracle of our babies unfold.  I wouldn't change the depths, the pain, the tears, the times I yelled at and cried out to God, the anger the hurt, the deep fear, the loss of hope, the 10,000 why's I asked every day.  I know that before my brother in law died he gave us the most precious gifts, my two nieces, who are beautiful, wonderful and so fun to be around!  I know that the impact their aunt made on their lives will shape them forever.  I know our friend is kicking the crap out of cancer and coming out on top.  I know the journey is hard.  And does not make sense.  At all.  I know the journey often takes the path of despair, I know so people never get to hold their babies, like we are able to.  I know it often is so pain filled and anger filled and doesn't make sense.  I still ask why cant we have babies when we want to like so many other people.  But you know what?  I am who I am today because of walking the journey that led to the why's.  And I am thankful for the Grace that carries me and us.  I am soaking in the Faith, love, joy, pain, and depth that surrounds us.  I know that no matter how the why's play out, we can know that God carries us, especially in the depths.  And for that I am grateful.