Escape...

Earlier this month we were able to vacation, or rather escape, to California! The purpose of the trip was to attend my cousin's wedding. We added on a trip to visit friend Ellie and some San Francisco sight seeing! At Ellie's camp we were able to stand in the woods and see lots of green things growing. Then she took us to the ocean...the ocean...a place where we saw Jesus in the waves, where we were reminded of his awesomeness. Then we saw the inside of two local coffee shops...two! We've been deprived. It was nice to be inside them, breathe in coffee aroma, taste the delightfulness of a cup o' java! In San Francisco we saw and tasted China town and Little Italy, experienced the Fisherman's Wharf, city taxis and the trolley. We did not get to eat rice-a-roni (the San Francisco Treat)! I sang karaoke at the bachelorette party for the bride, we sat among 20 or so other guests at the wedding, took in champagne at the cocktail hour, and at the reception we saw magnificent views of San Francisco both before and after darkeness fell, we danced, we ate a three course meal followed by 2 courses of dessert, and we sat enthralled by the beauty of it all, especially the bride and groom. But the most wonderful part of it all....we were with family. We were us, we were pure and wholly ourselves. We were surrounded by people who love us, hug us, laugh with us, cry with us and hold us when we need it. We could be us. We were free.

In a shell....

We haven't been here for a few weeks but we've been busy and on vacation. It occurred to us that this blog is still a secret. We haven't told anyone how to access it. This blog is also our inner most thoughts and feelings....it's like a journal, even a secret one. That is kind of freeing. I'm not sure how it will change once someone starts reading it. But here we are. Yesterday we talked about what is the next step for us on this journey to parenthood? Maybe we do nothing but grieve, maybe we talk to more doctors, maybe we research new agencies (although the one in Oregon still has our application fee that we can use), maybe we try to learn a little more about how to give it all to God. A friend of ours has a friend we can talk to in the Twin Cities, this friend is a doctor and just might have some advice for us. We're sure we can find another agency to work with, another program to look into, more countries to consider. Is it ok that sometimes we're just in pain over this whole thing? Sometimes we feel like we're in a shell...people who haven't been through infertility (and adoption hang ups) don't understand the pain and they seem scared to ask us about it. They probably don't want to know about it, they probably care but they probably can't figure out what to say. I probably wouldn't know what to say. But I think saying something is what we need...are we ok? You know what, we're not sure, but we can talk about it, at least sometimes and if we can't when you ask we'll tell you that. It's like walking through grief and it's very lonely. We have each other and we have God and sometimes we need a little more, sometimes we need you.

Tears are falling.....

We've heard news of three different pregnancies in the past 6 weeks or so. Two of the pregnant are family members, one is a friend from seminary. Each time we heard this news the tears just started falling and wouldn't stop. It hurts so bad. Why can't it ALSO be us? Why can't we be mommy and daddy? I am writing this today because one of the bits of new life news was told to us last night. My mom called to say a cousin is pregnant so we would have time to process before it is announced to the entire family next week. I appreciate knowing beforehand. Maybe the tears will be all used up by the time we hear from the mom to be. By the time the family celebrates. By that time maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to celebrate with them without the floodgates of tears. I'll be the first to say that we harbor no bad feelings about these new lives being created. We are happy about new life. We are just sad that it can't be us celebrating new life that is part of us or that is chosen by us through adoption. We don't have answers and for today we will cry. We don't have hope today, but maybe tomorrow we will. Please Jesus give us hope, catch our tears, hold us through the pain.

Something learned....

I am reading the book "I Will Carry You" and I learned last night that the way we grieve through this infertility process is unique to us, it can be like however we need it to be. If we're fine one day and a mess the next day and can't stop crying the day after that...well, that's ok. We don't have to do this a certain way or follow some sort of rules. No one does. Not you, not me, not Joel, not us together. Yesterday I cried, today I am bummed. Maybe tomorrow I'll be joy filled. It feels good to know that how we do this and when and in what form is part of the road we are traveling. It's all part of the beautiful mess our lives are right now. Beautiful because it's us in pure form, it's us before Jesus as us without any cover. Our hearts may be messy and we don't have any answers and we get mad and sometimes we even stay mad for a while but this is our journey.

Ocean Bound

I think that part of the journey of life must intersect every so often with the ocean. I long for it to be just a bit of therapy. We have two trips to the ocean planned in the next few months. Next week we will see the California Coast and in August the Oregon one. The peacefulness, giganticness, powerfulness of it....you can't help but see Jesus in the ocean. We need the peace it brings, we need the power it brings, we need our hearts to experience the ocean. It has been 4 years to the day, today, that we have been there. This day four years ago we were playing frisbee on the beach, unbeknownst to us just what sort of journey our marriage would bring. It has been so fulfilling, so fun filled and romantic and life giving and just everything we could hope for and more. What we did not imagine back four years ago on the beach was the pain, the hard times, the downs. It is these hard times that meld themselves together with the joys to make us whole. Jesus never leaves us. Remember that footprints poem? That was on a beach. Jesus carried in that poem. We need carried now. We need wrapped in his arms. We know he is there. Jesus met Peter and the Disclipes on the beach. May he meet us at the beach....