Sad and mad

I decided I needed to record what we've been through this past week. No one or nothing can prepare you for a failed fertility treatment. We always thought we would be one of the couples that didn't have to deal with that pain. We were wrong. We took a pregnancy test last Tuesday, 14 days after the procedure, the day that Mayo told us to take it. We waited for 14 very very long days. And then we were sad and mad and numb. We could not have even imagined what it would be like. We still haven't cried. We've been mad. Very mad. These last few days we have been mad and numb and sad only when we really dwell on it. There has been a tear or two, but no crying. We think that will come. We know it will, hopefully soon. We have to deal completely with this "no" so we can focus on a next potential "yes". We won't have as much hope this time though and we won't dream and imagine like we did last time. We felt so close, we felt surreal, we felt excited. With a failed procedure we are forced to let all of those go...again. It's a bummer that you can get a yes or a no in every month...that's 12 times a year. That's a lot of heartache and hopelessness. We'll get there this time, we'll find the hope, it just might take longer.