Round 3

"Usually we let you do this for 3 or 4 times before we move on to something different". These words came from the head of the infertility department at Mayo the day we had the second procedure. Moving on to something different for us means upping the meds, but also for us that isn't necessary. It's next on the chart the doctor gave us for our course of treatments. But, my body is responding to the medicine "perfectly" according to the the department chair that day! So, what does that mean? It means it's sort of hard not to blame God. It's like he's the only thing stopping this from happening. And it's so so scary. But like we were reminded the other day, God is bigger than our anger and our blame. And he's still there for us. He never leaves. I'd like to think he is angry with us, not at us, with us, and heartbroken with us. That our tears are his tears. But if he is indeed in it all, why doesn't he just fix this for us? It's frustrating and painful and like I said before, scary. Frightening really. Because maybe he doesn't intend us to be parents. Maybe this whole thing is one giant lesson we're meant to learn from and grieve and move on from. I know, I know, we have to keep the faith and he gives us the desires of our hearts, and we have to trust him. I know, I know. But right now we're simply writing our pain. And our doubt and our fear.
As we move on from failed treatment number 2 and begin to embrace treatment number 3 we will search deep inside ourselves and once again go to Jesus and beg him for the hope we need to sustain us through another treatment.
Bring on the meds and bring on the running...it's going to be 50 outside today! In March! Who knew! We will run!