Well, when it comes to our fertility journey, today is a blue Monday. We're on the brink of tears, and we're feeling hopeless.
My body is like clock work and it's pretty easy to be in tune to what is going on with it, especially after fertility treatments where they make you learn what happens every single day.
So, when everything was off this month, and a day late, I got confused and hopeful. Then was crushed.
The pain, I've decided is indescribable. It hurts so bad.
I am an imaginer...and many times, near the beginning of this journey, and just a couple of days ago, I have imagined different ways we would break miracle-like news to family and friends, if indeed a miracle did happen and we got pregnant without treatments. Imagining these ideas makes me so excited.
But then I realize, that I will probably never get the chance to use one of them. And it crushes me. It makes me mad that I am being robbed of that chance. Because with fertility treatments you all will know the day of implantation and then can do the 14 day math til we find out yes or no. We need your prayers and support, so of course we are going to tell you all of that!
The reason I'm not ready for adoption is because I don't also want to be robbed of getting to be pregnant, and having that whole experience.
But to be honest, the pain is so deep that we can't imagine it happening to us.
Just last night I asked Joel "why would God pick us to have get pregnant, when he hasn't picked us for the last 4 years?" In his pain, and of course, Joel didn't have an answer.
So we wait, we hold each other, and we cry.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Christmas
This time of year is always extra hard. I can always imagine having babies at Christmas. I always think a lot about Mary and her journey so long ago.
And then I wonder, why won't he choose me to carry his son or daughter? Why not me?
It makes me so sad and tear filled.
I'm anxious to get IVF started. But I'm terrified. It's the only procedure we have left to help us. And we don't know if it will work. We can pray that it will, but we still don't know.
One of the things that scares me the most is that IVF is so hope filled that I can imagine. For the first time in a long time I can imagine. On days like today, the sadness sort of overtakes the hope. But I want it so bad. It hurts. We want this to work so bad.
We're weary but ready.
And then I wonder, why won't he choose me to carry his son or daughter? Why not me?
It makes me so sad and tear filled.
I'm anxious to get IVF started. But I'm terrified. It's the only procedure we have left to help us. And we don't know if it will work. We can pray that it will, but we still don't know.
One of the things that scares me the most is that IVF is so hope filled that I can imagine. For the first time in a long time I can imagine. On days like today, the sadness sort of overtakes the hope. But I want it so bad. It hurts. We want this to work so bad.
We're weary but ready.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Why wait?
I talked to Dr. Shomento earlier this week. She, not her nurse, called me! I continue to be amazed at the care we are only just beginning to get there. The kindness is overflowing. And their understanding of distance in our situation, well, they must be some of the best there is when it comes to that.
On Monday I went to Havre for some lab work to determine my ovary function. It turns out, my ovaries are functioning like a normal 33 year old. There was a hormone, the LH hormone, that was low, which shows her that I have stress in my life. It is quite fascinating what they can tell from a simple blood draw.
I think this effects egg growth and maturity. But I'm not sure. They can help fix this when I go on hormones. Or maybe I need a trip to a spa!
The decision before us now is why wait? Or rather, when to start treatment. They do IVF rounds every other month. It is a 2 month process that starts with day 1 of my cycle, 2 months before we want to have the treatment. I know, it is all really confusing. But they wrote it all out so I can refer to that when the confusion gets too much, or I can call the doctor!
When I was talking with Dr. Shomento, we determined that we had already missed the dates to start the process now for treatment in January. That leaves us with March or May.
Why wait?
Well, there are things like lent that starts the end of February, and a crazy busy preschool schedule in May, and well, life in general is sort of non-routine crazy. But...why wait? It's not like people who get pregnant naturally pick the exact date for it to happen (ok I know there is a small amount of control, but it's small). This is a family thing, this is about putting our future family first. And we know we must consider everything when deciding when...but we just keep coming back to why wait?
We are on the Doctor's calendar for a treatment in March. Which means we will start the process in January.
That means we sit back, relax and try to become as stress free as possible (Ha!). And in January, on Day 1 we call the doctor and she gives us dates, prescriptions, appointment times, etc.
March seems like a long ways away. May seems even further. And we don't know if this will work. If it doesn't work, we can do it again, and starting sooner, rather than later, puts us that many more months closer to having a baby.
On Monday I went to Havre for some lab work to determine my ovary function. It turns out, my ovaries are functioning like a normal 33 year old. There was a hormone, the LH hormone, that was low, which shows her that I have stress in my life. It is quite fascinating what they can tell from a simple blood draw.
I think this effects egg growth and maturity. But I'm not sure. They can help fix this when I go on hormones. Or maybe I need a trip to a spa!
The decision before us now is why wait? Or rather, when to start treatment. They do IVF rounds every other month. It is a 2 month process that starts with day 1 of my cycle, 2 months before we want to have the treatment. I know, it is all really confusing. But they wrote it all out so I can refer to that when the confusion gets too much, or I can call the doctor!
When I was talking with Dr. Shomento, we determined that we had already missed the dates to start the process now for treatment in January. That leaves us with March or May.
Why wait?
Well, there are things like lent that starts the end of February, and a crazy busy preschool schedule in May, and well, life in general is sort of non-routine crazy. But...why wait? It's not like people who get pregnant naturally pick the exact date for it to happen (ok I know there is a small amount of control, but it's small). This is a family thing, this is about putting our future family first. And we know we must consider everything when deciding when...but we just keep coming back to why wait?
We are on the Doctor's calendar for a treatment in March. Which means we will start the process in January.
That means we sit back, relax and try to become as stress free as possible (Ha!). And in January, on Day 1 we call the doctor and she gives us dates, prescriptions, appointment times, etc.
March seems like a long ways away. May seems even further. And we don't know if this will work. If it doesn't work, we can do it again, and starting sooner, rather than later, puts us that many more months closer to having a baby.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
