It's a blue Monday

Well, when it comes to our fertility journey, today is a blue Monday. We're on the brink of tears, and we're feeling hopeless.

My body is like clock work and it's pretty easy to be in tune to what is going on with it, especially after fertility treatments where they make you learn what happens every single day.

So, when everything was off this month, and a day late, I got confused and hopeful. Then was crushed.

The pain, I've decided is indescribable. It hurts so bad.

I am an imaginer...and many times, near the beginning of this journey, and just a couple of days ago, I have imagined different ways we would break miracle-like news to family and friends, if indeed a miracle did happen and we got pregnant without treatments. Imagining these ideas makes me so excited.

But then I realize, that I will probably never get the chance to use one of them. And it crushes me. It makes me mad that I am being robbed of that chance. Because with fertility treatments you all will know the day of implantation and then can do the 14 day math til we find out yes or no. We need your prayers and support, so of course we are going to tell you all of that!

The reason I'm not ready for adoption is because I don't also want to be robbed of getting to be pregnant, and having that whole experience.

But to be honest, the pain is so deep that we can't imagine it happening to us.

Just last night I asked Joel "why would God pick us to have get pregnant, when he hasn't picked us for the last 4 years?" In his pain, and of course, Joel didn't have an answer.

So we wait, we hold each other, and we cry.