I think I've become numb...I mean, we have some hope, but we're sort of scared to imagine too much. I feel like I am walking in a tunnel of sorts...on either side of me is life happening, but I can't get to it, and at the end is life in the future, but it's all swirling together, I can't make sense of it. I think that is another way of saying a part of me, a part of us, wants to shut down and not feel emotions about our upcoming IVF. The phone call to Dr. Shomento could be just days away.
But we're remembering this time last year...we had already had one visit with Dr. Jensen at Mayo and we loved her. We were filled to the brim with hope. It just had to work there, it was Mayo after all! I remember the emotions, the joy overflowing, the anticipation. And I'm pretty sure, being how that was one year ago, that I have a wall around my heart. I imagine, but I don't get too joy filled. I don't even think I am letting myself expect much...it's like walking a journey that we're so happy about, yet we're terrified of. It feels like all we have in us is the strength to simply go through the motions. Because to get over emotional, to get worried about where to get the meds, to wonder what if a shot breaks, what if treatment fails...well, it all takes to much energy.
That being said, tears come freely.
I told God just this morning, "why not create a miracle in us, I just don't see the reason...". It's funny in a way, because every month, even a non-fertility treatment month, a little part of us wonders, could this be the one for a miracle? Then it isn't and we are reminded of all the other months and we get angry and we cry.
Then we remind ourselves, it's ok to get our miracle through a fertility treatment. We just hope for a certainty that we will indeed get our miracle.
I've been thinking, maybe the beach means so much to us, because like in that Footprints poem, it is there we feel most held by Jesus. In this season of Christmas, and the birth of the baby King, as we imagine our arms being filled with a bundle of miracle, we cry out...tears falling...and we ask our Abba Father, to please hear the cry of our hearts, to please bring us our very own Christmas miracle.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Friday, December 9, 2011
The story of a miracle
Joel is doing a funeral in Big Sandy this morning. I was over there helping him set-up and print bulletins so I met the funeral home director from Chester, MT.
Of course, he asked us if we had kids. We said "no". He said "oh". Long pause. Then Joel says "not yet anyways."
And that opened a door!
The director, I'm not even sure of his name, started telling us about his 46 year old daughter, his oldest, who couldn't have kids. For years her and her husband, married now for 20 years, were ok with that. They were best buddies and liked their jobs. But 4 years ago they changed their minds. They knew they were missing out on parenthood...so they decided on adoption...
Paperwork filled out, waiting begins. The adoption they applied for was an open one. That means the birth parent or parents picks the couple they want their child to go to. Three phone calls came in saying they'd made the top 2-3, their hopes high, only to be crushed when hearing the news that they were not picked after all. They were ready to give up. They were sad. I imagine at this point in their story, or even with every phone call, they mourn a loss, and they mourn the potential death of a dream. But guess what? Just days ago they got another call...an instant baby! Born just for them. It's a boy! Just when they'd given up hope! A dream fulfilled!
More non-baby related conversation...then the director starts up again...
"My wife and I didn't think we were going to have grandchildren" he said. Now they have 5!
He continues, "Our youngest daughter, she had trouble also, but they did Invitro twice and the second time it worked." Another miracle for director and his growing family! 6 months after their invitro miracle was born, the mom found out she was pregnant. Baby number 2 for this family! Then, get this, 6 months after that baby was born, she found out she was pregnant again. Boom! Years of trouble and now they have 3 babies aged 3 and a half and younger. Wow!
The director's son must have a baby to make 5, but he didn't talk about him.
It was pretty awesome to have this random guy start talking to us about such personal history with his family.
It helps renew hope.
Of course, he asked us if we had kids. We said "no". He said "oh". Long pause. Then Joel says "not yet anyways."
And that opened a door!
The director, I'm not even sure of his name, started telling us about his 46 year old daughter, his oldest, who couldn't have kids. For years her and her husband, married now for 20 years, were ok with that. They were best buddies and liked their jobs. But 4 years ago they changed their minds. They knew they were missing out on parenthood...so they decided on adoption...
Paperwork filled out, waiting begins. The adoption they applied for was an open one. That means the birth parent or parents picks the couple they want their child to go to. Three phone calls came in saying they'd made the top 2-3, their hopes high, only to be crushed when hearing the news that they were not picked after all. They were ready to give up. They were sad. I imagine at this point in their story, or even with every phone call, they mourn a loss, and they mourn the potential death of a dream. But guess what? Just days ago they got another call...an instant baby! Born just for them. It's a boy! Just when they'd given up hope! A dream fulfilled!
More non-baby related conversation...then the director starts up again...
"My wife and I didn't think we were going to have grandchildren" he said. Now they have 5!
He continues, "Our youngest daughter, she had trouble also, but they did Invitro twice and the second time it worked." Another miracle for director and his growing family! 6 months after their invitro miracle was born, the mom found out she was pregnant. Baby number 2 for this family! Then, get this, 6 months after that baby was born, she found out she was pregnant again. Boom! Years of trouble and now they have 3 babies aged 3 and a half and younger. Wow!
The director's son must have a baby to make 5, but he didn't talk about him.
It was pretty awesome to have this random guy start talking to us about such personal history with his family.
It helps renew hope.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
A Christmas Letter
I'm stuffing envelopes with the Christmas letter I wrote for 2011. It's really full of words.
But the one thing missing from the letter is our journey through Mayo Clinic and then the Billings Clinic. It seems really weird to write our joy filled letter and leave out such a major part of our year.
But, I didn't know how to add it in. I didn't know if it was even appropriate. I've never read a Christmas letter filled with the pain of infertility.
Our last 4 years of letters could have had some version of this pain. We could have started documenting then. But it's weird. It's a silent thing, not to be shared in an annual update.
It's silent yet, and this is a secret dream, maybe I'll be on the Today Show someday with the book I'm gonna write about our journey.
So, a letter is coming to a mailbox near you...most of you lived a lot of it with us. Including the parts not spoken. For that, we are thankful.
But the one thing missing from the letter is our journey through Mayo Clinic and then the Billings Clinic. It seems really weird to write our joy filled letter and leave out such a major part of our year.
But, I didn't know how to add it in. I didn't know if it was even appropriate. I've never read a Christmas letter filled with the pain of infertility.
Our last 4 years of letters could have had some version of this pain. We could have started documenting then. But it's weird. It's a silent thing, not to be shared in an annual update.
It's silent yet, and this is a secret dream, maybe I'll be on the Today Show someday with the book I'm gonna write about our journey.
So, a letter is coming to a mailbox near you...most of you lived a lot of it with us. Including the parts not spoken. For that, we are thankful.
So many words
So many words, so many feelings.
All inside me, wondering how to get out.
I wonder, as I dance, if the Breath of Heaven with breathe new life into me.
I wonder what it will be like. I imagine. I dream.
Tears fall as I begin to hope.
Fear lingers as the hope grows. Then more tears fall.
I pray, in the midst of pain, I seek, in the midst of sorrow, and I cry out in the midst of fear...
Please Jesus, pick us. We want full arms, sleepless nights, kisses of sweet little ones.
The journey begins soon...imaginations grow. All of my being begs...please a joyful end to this tear-filled journey. We offer ourselves to our heavenly Father and we say come Lord Jesus come.
All inside me, wondering how to get out.
I wonder, as I dance, if the Breath of Heaven with breathe new life into me.
I wonder what it will be like. I imagine. I dream.
Tears fall as I begin to hope.
Fear lingers as the hope grows. Then more tears fall.
I pray, in the midst of pain, I seek, in the midst of sorrow, and I cry out in the midst of fear...
Please Jesus, pick us. We want full arms, sleepless nights, kisses of sweet little ones.
The journey begins soon...imaginations grow. All of my being begs...please a joyful end to this tear-filled journey. We offer ourselves to our heavenly Father and we say come Lord Jesus come.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
The ambush
Today is Chouteau County Christmas. That means that there are celebration bazaars and parades in all the little towns in this county. We started the day out at the Big Sandy bazaar where we were ambushed by the day care table (and purchased caramel cookies in a jar that have to be mixed and baked...the funny thing is that the caramel did not come with), and the 4-H table selling fresh cut wreaths and center pieces. I mean these people were good salesmen...and they all used these cute little kids who of course we couldn't say no to!
But the ultimate ambush came in Fort Benton, 35 miles down the road.
They had a great craft bazaar (& a really good coffee shop that looks a lot like pinterest inside and has delicious peppermint white chocolate lattes...finally someone around here with a holiday drink).
First stop was coffee. Second the bazaar. We were wandering around and came upon a table full of homemade baby things. I touched what they called a bundle and then insert ambush...
The maker/seller of products asked if she could please show us what was inside the bundle. Um...ok...I said, with a smile on my face, while thinking, uh...we don't have any reason to buy this.
First piece of the bundle was a "daddy sized" burp rag that she asked Joel, whom she called Dad, to please model. He did.
Second piece was a sling...she demonstrated that one, and how I, who she referred to as mom, would use it.
Third piece was a quilted receiving blanket we could not live without, according to her!
I just kept thinking, don't ask us if we have kids, don't ask us if we have kids. And she didn't.
The conclusion to this story is we walked away, and 10 minutes later we were back, ambushed into buying a bundle!
Now we just hope, and pray, we have a reason to use it someday...like maybe this time next year, if IVF goes as planned. But of course, we'll be the first to tell you that God does not always take our lives on the course we have planned. At which point fear sets in, because we don't really trust Him to come through for us. But we have a bundle. Now we just need Him to give us something or rather someone to fill it with!
But the ultimate ambush came in Fort Benton, 35 miles down the road.
They had a great craft bazaar (& a really good coffee shop that looks a lot like pinterest inside and has delicious peppermint white chocolate lattes...finally someone around here with a holiday drink).
First stop was coffee. Second the bazaar. We were wandering around and came upon a table full of homemade baby things. I touched what they called a bundle and then insert ambush...
The maker/seller of products asked if she could please show us what was inside the bundle. Um...ok...I said, with a smile on my face, while thinking, uh...we don't have any reason to buy this.
First piece of the bundle was a "daddy sized" burp rag that she asked Joel, whom she called Dad, to please model. He did.
Second piece was a sling...she demonstrated that one, and how I, who she referred to as mom, would use it.
Third piece was a quilted receiving blanket we could not live without, according to her!
I just kept thinking, don't ask us if we have kids, don't ask us if we have kids. And she didn't.
The conclusion to this story is we walked away, and 10 minutes later we were back, ambushed into buying a bundle!
Now we just hope, and pray, we have a reason to use it someday...like maybe this time next year, if IVF goes as planned. But of course, we'll be the first to tell you that God does not always take our lives on the course we have planned. At which point fear sets in, because we don't really trust Him to come through for us. But we have a bundle. Now we just need Him to give us something or rather someone to fill it with!
the countdown is on
Well, in about 29-31 days we'll be calling our doctor to say we're ready for IVF (she has us on the calender, but we have to call day 1 in January to get it all set up). Back in October it felt like that day was so far away. But now, it hit us yesterday that soon we would be starting. Soon, we'd be jumping on the roller coaster for the ride of a lifetime.
It's gonna be so crazy. I can already imagine all the hormones. I'm most worried about getting the meds, and not breaking a shot while giving it being that we're so far from any sort of pharmacy that could help us.
But, if that happens, deep breath, it will be ok.
We're ready.
And for the first time, a few days ago, I felt my brain switching from feeling hopeless, to thinking, yes this can work. Joel is very positive about it. He's scared but he's hopefully. I'd say I'm way more scared than hopeful. I'm getting there though.
I'm trying to talk positive, I'm trying to think positive. It's a giant hurdle. And it all comes out pretty tentatively.
I'm trying to go from not seeing how he could pick us, to asking him to please pick us, and to believing that he will.
It's gonna be so crazy. I can already imagine all the hormones. I'm most worried about getting the meds, and not breaking a shot while giving it being that we're so far from any sort of pharmacy that could help us.
But, if that happens, deep breath, it will be ok.
We're ready.
And for the first time, a few days ago, I felt my brain switching from feeling hopeless, to thinking, yes this can work. Joel is very positive about it. He's scared but he's hopefully. I'd say I'm way more scared than hopeful. I'm getting there though.
I'm trying to talk positive, I'm trying to think positive. It's a giant hurdle. And it all comes out pretty tentatively.
I'm trying to go from not seeing how he could pick us, to asking him to please pick us, and to believing that he will.
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