Christmas Eve Eve

I think I've become numb...I mean, we have some hope, but we're sort of scared to imagine too much. I feel like I am walking in a tunnel of sorts...on either side of me is life happening, but I can't get to it, and at the end is life in the future, but it's all swirling together, I can't make sense of it. I think that is another way of saying a part of me, a part of us, wants to shut down and not feel emotions about our upcoming IVF. The phone call to Dr. Shomento could be just days away.

But we're remembering this time last year...we had already had one visit with Dr. Jensen at Mayo and we loved her. We were filled to the brim with hope. It just had to work there, it was Mayo after all! I remember the emotions, the joy overflowing, the anticipation. And I'm pretty sure, being how that was one year ago, that I have a wall around my heart. I imagine, but I don't get too joy filled. I don't even think I am letting myself expect much...it's like walking a journey that we're so happy about, yet we're terrified of. It feels like all we have in us is the strength to simply go through the motions. Because to get over emotional, to get worried about where to get the meds, to wonder what if a shot breaks, what if treatment fails...well, it all takes to much energy.

That being said, tears come freely.

I told God just this morning, "why not create a miracle in us, I just don't see the reason...". It's funny in a way, because every month, even a non-fertility treatment month, a little part of us wonders, could this be the one for a miracle? Then it isn't and we are reminded of all the other months and we get angry and we cry.

Then we remind ourselves, it's ok to get our miracle through a fertility treatment. We just hope for a certainty that we will indeed get our miracle.

I've been thinking, maybe the beach means so much to us, because like in that Footprints poem, it is there we feel most held by Jesus. In this season of Christmas, and the birth of the baby King, as we imagine our arms being filled with a bundle of miracle, we cry out...tears falling...and we ask our Abba Father, to please hear the cry of our hearts, to please bring us our very own Christmas miracle.