When Harper and Hannah were babies, teeny tiny babies, I was in a fog. But I remember sitting in the living room holding both of them and thinking kindergarten was so far away. It was really hard for me to imagine them growing that big. I also remember the days I would long to blog, write posts in my mind during feedings, then get frustrated when I wouldn't be able to put them on paper, or rather the computer. I'd think, there is no way I can wait 5 whole years to blog again, to give up that passion. I will have my act together and I will be able to write. I will be super mom and I will write.
But you know what? One day I surrendered. I told myself that I had to give it up, instead of fighting with my internal self to get it done, fail, try harder, fail...the day would come when I would have more time.
We are now on our 10th day of kindergarten. And it seems like the next 13 years of school will be a moountain so high to climb that we will struggle hard to get there. But I know from the past 5 years that these next few years will fly by. Hold me somebody.
When the girls were little I thought something was wrong with me because I was told time and time again to hold them tight because they would grow way too fast...but I loved every new milestone. I loved the first giggles, roll overs, steps, words, teeth, I loved it all. And I loved their first birthday, their second, their third and wanted time to slow down when we came upon their fourth...
When their fifth got here I knew I was in such deep denial. And kindergarten came next...excuse me while I freak out...I love, love, love watching them grow in to little humans and at the same time I long to hold those tiny babies one more time, just like every one told me I would. How can they be 5? How can they be ready for the big bad world without me? How can I protect them? How do I parent elementary school kids? How do I know I didn't just fail the past 5, almost 6 years? How do I know if they are ready? Ugh, I want to hold those teeny tiny babies one more time. My big brave kindergartners. My littlest biggest loves.
My oldest nieces have learned and are learning how to drive...how did that happen? Time slow down.
Tuesday, September 18, 2018
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Confessions
This is a messy topic. And a pretty random post. I'm not even sure I should be writing but my thoughts have been consuming me lately so I thought maybe writing here would help...
First of all, I haven't written in years. This blog started out to share our journey through infertility. Then it just kind of stopped because I was trying to figure out how to raise baby twins! Who are 4 now. Time flies.
You know what? Our infertility wasn't cured with the birth of our now 3 fertility treatment babies. Should it be? Is something wrong with me? I think something is wrong with me. We had IVF twins, first go around, 3 embryos in the freezer. For two and a half years I thought about our freezer babies. I imagined a car full of them. Then came the unfreezing. One didn't survive. The other two were transferred in to me...our sweet Hadley Hope came to be! Her twin didn't end up implanting. Maybe it's the loss of those two embryos that I have never really processed that brings me to being consumed with my thoughts about infertility...
But, you guys, it didn't go away. I don't think it ever will. But I do think I'm supposed to be in a better place than where I am now. It's so up and down. I feel blessed and overwhelmed that I am a mom to my sweet girls. I feel sad that we couldn't have more babies. I feel crushed that my body was never able to make a baby but thankful it was able to grow my girls. We've been trying for months to have another baby, but maybe this is the end of that journey...maybe I'm losing my strength and courage to hope and to dream. Maybe this is it. And if it is, thanks be to God that I have the journey I have. I'm not ungrateful. I'm so very grateful. But as the saying goes, the days are long, the years are short. The days are hard. I'm burdened with that every day because yes, the days are so very hard...but so many people never get to experience these hard days, so I feel guilty that they are hard. I'm thankful because I've been blessed with a very dear friend here whose kids love playing with mine and vice versa...what a gift that makes the long days seem not quite so long. Oh what fun we have together!
So, I'm wondering...maybe the pain never quite goes away. The other day I said to Hannah, thank you for making me a mommy Hannah and she said I didn't make you a mommy God did...oh from her sweet mouth...I'll never forget the moment I first saw my very first baby girl though, it was her.
And If you're wondering, this isn't about a need to have a boy...you guys I couldn't love having 3 girls more than I do. They are precious and fun and so sweet. I don't feel a void from not having a boy. I didn't wish for one second after finding out Hadley was a girl that she'd been a boy, not one, not even half a second. I thought she was a boy, I thought she was our Luke...but I'm so happy she wasn't and that she's our Hadley. The moment I first held her the first thought that ran through my head was you've healed me baby girl...maybe that's enough. Maybe I'll always have longing but maybe this is enough. This is great, wonderful, awesome, fun! Maybe this is enough.
First of all, I haven't written in years. This blog started out to share our journey through infertility. Then it just kind of stopped because I was trying to figure out how to raise baby twins! Who are 4 now. Time flies.
You know what? Our infertility wasn't cured with the birth of our now 3 fertility treatment babies. Should it be? Is something wrong with me? I think something is wrong with me. We had IVF twins, first go around, 3 embryos in the freezer. For two and a half years I thought about our freezer babies. I imagined a car full of them. Then came the unfreezing. One didn't survive. The other two were transferred in to me...our sweet Hadley Hope came to be! Her twin didn't end up implanting. Maybe it's the loss of those two embryos that I have never really processed that brings me to being consumed with my thoughts about infertility...
But, you guys, it didn't go away. I don't think it ever will. But I do think I'm supposed to be in a better place than where I am now. It's so up and down. I feel blessed and overwhelmed that I am a mom to my sweet girls. I feel sad that we couldn't have more babies. I feel crushed that my body was never able to make a baby but thankful it was able to grow my girls. We've been trying for months to have another baby, but maybe this is the end of that journey...maybe I'm losing my strength and courage to hope and to dream. Maybe this is it. And if it is, thanks be to God that I have the journey I have. I'm not ungrateful. I'm so very grateful. But as the saying goes, the days are long, the years are short. The days are hard. I'm burdened with that every day because yes, the days are so very hard...but so many people never get to experience these hard days, so I feel guilty that they are hard. I'm thankful because I've been blessed with a very dear friend here whose kids love playing with mine and vice versa...what a gift that makes the long days seem not quite so long. Oh what fun we have together!
So, I'm wondering...maybe the pain never quite goes away. The other day I said to Hannah, thank you for making me a mommy Hannah and she said I didn't make you a mommy God did...oh from her sweet mouth...I'll never forget the moment I first saw my very first baby girl though, it was her.
And If you're wondering, this isn't about a need to have a boy...you guys I couldn't love having 3 girls more than I do. They are precious and fun and so sweet. I don't feel a void from not having a boy. I didn't wish for one second after finding out Hadley was a girl that she'd been a boy, not one, not even half a second. I thought she was a boy, I thought she was our Luke...but I'm so happy she wasn't and that she's our Hadley. The moment I first held her the first thought that ran through my head was you've healed me baby girl...maybe that's enough. Maybe I'll always have longing but maybe this is enough. This is great, wonderful, awesome, fun! Maybe this is enough.
Monday, November 28, 2016
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
NIAW
It's National Infertility Awareness Week, April 19-25, 2015.
It's had me thinking a lot about our journey with infertility. The theme this year is You Are Not Alone...it's a sad, lonely road to travel. I've found so much understanding and support from my online twitter community. People who are living it right along side us. People who know the pain.
It has changed us forever.
We never dreamed it would define us. We never dreamed it would be a large part of who we are. We never dreamed that back in 2007 when we decided to start a family that it would come with so many tears, heartache, pain...
So many shots. So many tests and treatment options and roads to travel...
Here's the thing...we have miracles as a result of our journey. But you know what, I'm gonna be honest here...I still cry infertility tears. It's still a part of who we are. It doesn't go away with a positive pregnancy test or a healthy birth...
I know, I know, that doesn't make sense, even to me sometimes.
I am so thankful for our IVF twins Hannah and Harper. They are joy and grace and love and smiles and giggles and tears and lessons and fear and sleeplessness and all around an awe so watch grow...
They are so amazing. I look at them sometimes, still, and wonder if they are really ours. Then I wonder if I think that because of infertility and our long journey to get them, and then I get mad.
But I am so thankful
And there's a baby sister on the way! Due in just a few weeks! And wow, we're so thankful that after a frozen embryo transfer and a rocky start that she is growing! And healthy. And we're overwhelmed that she'll be here soon, we're fearful that she'll decide to arrive too soon, but we're anxious to meet her...just not for a few weeks. I'm filled with unspeakable joy when Harper and Hannah want to give baby sister a kiss or tickle her or they bring her a snack, to mommy's tummy, or a toy to play with...there's no describing that...
We are blessed. Beyond words. We never dreamed or imagined we would get here..parents to 3 little girls. Wow.
It's hard, it's wonderful...sometimes I feel robbed of the true richness of feelings because it seems so surreal, another thing I blame infertility on.
I've been absent from this blog for a long time...I've been lost in my own thoughts, not sure how to put any of them into words, I've been overwhelmed and sad and happy...
I just want to say, infertility is an often silent journey. Words cannot describe the empty arms, the deep sadness, the fear, the disappointment of another failed treatment, more bad news as your body once again fails you...if you're there, in the throes of it, you are not alone.
I know so many miracles now who bring hope! And so much sadness with so many people's journeys...
You are not alone.
My hope, my longing, is that there is joy and hope and peace on the horizon...in the midst of the deep deep pain, silence and sorrow. You are not alone.
It's had me thinking a lot about our journey with infertility. The theme this year is You Are Not Alone...it's a sad, lonely road to travel. I've found so much understanding and support from my online twitter community. People who are living it right along side us. People who know the pain.
It has changed us forever.
We never dreamed it would define us. We never dreamed it would be a large part of who we are. We never dreamed that back in 2007 when we decided to start a family that it would come with so many tears, heartache, pain...
So many shots. So many tests and treatment options and roads to travel...
Here's the thing...we have miracles as a result of our journey. But you know what, I'm gonna be honest here...I still cry infertility tears. It's still a part of who we are. It doesn't go away with a positive pregnancy test or a healthy birth...
I know, I know, that doesn't make sense, even to me sometimes.
I am so thankful for our IVF twins Hannah and Harper. They are joy and grace and love and smiles and giggles and tears and lessons and fear and sleeplessness and all around an awe so watch grow...
They are so amazing. I look at them sometimes, still, and wonder if they are really ours. Then I wonder if I think that because of infertility and our long journey to get them, and then I get mad.
But I am so thankful
And there's a baby sister on the way! Due in just a few weeks! And wow, we're so thankful that after a frozen embryo transfer and a rocky start that she is growing! And healthy. And we're overwhelmed that she'll be here soon, we're fearful that she'll decide to arrive too soon, but we're anxious to meet her...just not for a few weeks. I'm filled with unspeakable joy when Harper and Hannah want to give baby sister a kiss or tickle her or they bring her a snack, to mommy's tummy, or a toy to play with...there's no describing that...
We are blessed. Beyond words. We never dreamed or imagined we would get here..parents to 3 little girls. Wow.
It's hard, it's wonderful...sometimes I feel robbed of the true richness of feelings because it seems so surreal, another thing I blame infertility on.
I've been absent from this blog for a long time...I've been lost in my own thoughts, not sure how to put any of them into words, I've been overwhelmed and sad and happy...
I just want to say, infertility is an often silent journey. Words cannot describe the empty arms, the deep sadness, the fear, the disappointment of another failed treatment, more bad news as your body once again fails you...if you're there, in the throes of it, you are not alone.
I know so many miracles now who bring hope! And so much sadness with so many people's journeys...
You are not alone.
My hope, my longing, is that there is joy and hope and peace on the horizon...in the midst of the deep deep pain, silence and sorrow. You are not alone.
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