A Bear

Joel bought a bear today...he took me to the mall after work so we could exercise (mall walking is a hot sport around here!) and buy towels. I didn't know his plan to even go to the mall until the car took us there! While towel shopping he saw a shelf of bears and just had to buy one! He chose to buy one tonight because it's on the eve of our fertility treatment. It's the beginning of a longing fulfilled...maybe. We hope and pray it is! So, it filled my heart with joy that he was thinking of a bear on this night. Now, it's off to sleep...our journey in the morning begins with a 4:45am alarm!

Everyone has a story

I work as a receptionist and I sit at a big desk all alone in a giant lobby. Often co-workers walk by me, usually at a high rate of speed, anxious to get to their next meeting. I have countless conversations each day, with mostly the same people, that go like this:
M: Hi
Other person: Hi
M: How are you?
Other person: Good, how are you?
M: I'm good thanks!

Sometimes instead of "good" there comes a "fine" or an "ok" but these conversations mostly go like this. On rare occasions someone will stop and talk about the weather or the weekend.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have more in-depth conversations at work with certain people, friends, whom I have known since my first stint at LSS. But that first stint was in HR, behind a closed door which did not allow me the opportunity to have so many of these short conversations.

As the days go by I find myself thinking of the individual people who I have these conversations with and I wonder what their story is. There is so much depth to a person, so many layers. I often sit there thinking about Joel and I's infertility journey, which is so secret to so many people, and I wonder if the people who pass me by are in silent pain themselves. I will never have the opportunity to know the depths of most of them. But I do stop and think...It makes me respect them a little more, and admire them more. I wish I had the time and opportunity to know everyone's story, their joys and their pain. I hope that I have the opportunity to learn more about them, amidst the phone ringing, visitors signing in, and spreadsheets that keep me busy. Just today an individual happened to stop and want to chat...I don't chat with this person much, but I found out they were in silent pain over a loss, had they not shared, I would never have known. I appreciated being picked to be among those they shared with. I want to laugh with people, weep with people, share with people. My desire is that as Joel and I embark on daily life, and ministry, that we are inundated with people's stories. I welcome hearing your story!

It was a cake filled week!

Pictured: Orange dream-cicle, mud pie & Coney Island, not pictured: Carol Brady

We are really into celebrating these days...with a coffee, a cupcake, a cookie, and the newest thing...

A treat that left us in dessert-induced awe! Words that came to mind as we were partaking of this treat were amazing, delicious, yummy, creative! This treat was...wait for it...a cake pop! We were given a total of 3 to share between the two of us! And we savored each one! Our friend Lindsay is very creative, and her along with some others maybe, created some fun cake pops and were willing to share! And not only that...but later this month we get to learn how to make them!

The cake pops were the first of our cake for the week, last week. Then on Thursday when we went to pick up the second shot we drove right past Cupcake! We've been there a couple of times before and on this day it beckoned to us! We couldn't resist. We were celebrating "picking up the second shot" day! Which also happened to be the same day as "fertility ultra sound showed the medicine is working" day! This definitely called for cupcakes galore! We purchased Carol Brady, Coney Island, mud pie and orange dream-cicle cupcakes to go and partook of them over the next two days. They were delightful!

It's fun to celebrate! It's one of the things we do best...this upcoming week will call for a campfire mocha at Mayo! Onward we go...and may there be more reasons for cake pops, cupcakes, mochas and more!

Lake Skindlov Resort

Ok, so we don't have a lake named after us (that we know of), and we don't have a resort! But last Monday Joel was really stressed, partly because of the Mayo stuff, mainly because he had a test early Tuesday morning. I asked him what would work to de-stress him. His answer: take a vacation. Well...that really isn't an option right now. So, late that afternoon when he went to a study group I thought to myself: I must bring the vacation to him! That's when our very own Lake Skindlov Resort was created! We specialize in chicken burgers (sandwiches really), homemade sweet potato fries, massage, dancing, relaxation techniques, dutch blitz (a card game we like to play together), and NO STRESS! Also included in your stay: fresh baked cookies (which of course were in the oven when Joel came home from study group), campfires and the best part...we're open 24 hours a day 7 days a week!

In our black Mayo notebook there is an entire section on stress management! So far, we do are doing good with this area! We remain fairly calm and peaceful. Tomorrow is Day 9 and we have to give me the first shot...not sure how calm and peaceful we will be then but for now we relax!

Day 1!

Day 1 is here, it's today! Today is Day 1! We've been wondering and guessing for a couple of weeks now...but now we know. Now, we have more of a plan. Wednesday we start clomid, I guess I start it, but we are both in this! I take it for 5 days. Then "a quiet day" as Mayo calls it, where we do nothing fertility treatment wise. Then comes Day 9, aka shot day! Oh goodness! Shot day. That day will be interesting. Then another "quiet day" then back to Mayo. I had a heck of a time trying to schedule the fertility ultra sound up here in St. Paul. I know probably anyone reading this will never live in the Twin Cities and will never have to consider Health Partners for their health care...but don't do it! Our general medical doctor is there and she's great. She helps us. But the woman's center where I was seeing an ob/gyn is a joke. Their entire ob/gyn department is. You'd think they would let me have the ultra sound there, but no, I first have to get orders from my doctor there, not the Mayo clinic doctor, they don't accept those...weird. Come on people, really! I was soooooo annoyed and anxious this morning trying to figure out what to do. Our dilemma was Joel having to miss class if we went to Mayo for the ultra sound...but I was so annoyed that we decided to just talk to Mayo about it. And they scheduled me for the first ultra sound appointment of the day on the 27th, 7:30am, so Joel only has to miss the first half of class which can be video taped!
So, it's go time! Put me in coach time, the 4th quarter, our heads are in the game, we're ready, we're off and running...this is it people! Here we go! We're running the best most important race! Please God let us win!

creeping fear

The purpose of this blog is to write the good, the bad and the ugly. So, this time we embark on the ugly, or at least the bad...
Here is a conversation between Joel and I 5 nights ago:
Joel: "What is your biggest fear?"
Melissa: "That the Mayo procedure will fail...what's yours?"
Joel: "The same"

The night we had this conversation we were enveloped in deep deep fear. We'd been holding it off up until this point. We were filled with such hope and positive thoughts. There was no room for fear. Until then. It ran through us like water running freely off a cliff. It was scary. We didn't like it. We trembled. We hugged. We were sinking into the depths of fear. For a while we had to let it be. We are human after all. We knew this moment would come. We knew that a part of the ups and downs of this journey would lead us to these moments of fear. We prayed. We begged God actually, not only to take the fear, but to make the procedure work. We can't imagine it any other way. Because to imagine it not working at this point could interfere with it working. So, that night, we hung out in fear. And then it passed. And we were on to happier moments where God won this battle...where we cling to hope.

But now thus says the Lord,
he who created you, O Jacob,
he who formed you, O Israel:
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name, you are mine.
When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;
when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,
and the flame shall not consume you.
—Isaiah 43:1-2

Mayo day 2: Finding Hope

Mayo Day 2 is the one where we went for the class, January 3, 2011. This time we knew where we were going but we still left 2.75 hours before we had to be there. We wanted to be early! Half way down it started snowing. Oh goodness! We weren't worried about getting there, but we were a little worried about the roads going home. We arrived 30 minutes early and sat near the waterfall again, on the bottom floor of the Charlton building. This time we knew we were only 3-4 minutes from checking in at the infertility desk 3-A. Around 2:05 we walked to the 1st floor and got in the elevator that led us to the third floor. I was worried about checking in without an appointment card because we hadn't picked up our mail from being on vacation yet. But the lady didn't say a word about that, she just checked me in! We sat for a few minutes and they came to get us. The class was us and the nurse. We were ushered into a room similar to the room we were in on our first visit. When the nurse walked in she had a black binder...she asked if we had one yet and I said no. She gave us the one she had...full of information we would need in the next few weeks! She went through the binder, not every page, but the important stuff. Then she pulled out the shots with a skin colored pin cushion. She demonstrated how to mix the first shot and then how to give it to myself. Then she let me practice. It was sort of weird, because I imagine putting a needle into a pin cushion is nothing compared to my stomach!! But it was still nice to practice. She gave us all the numbers we would need to get a hold of them at any time. She gave us instructions for day 1! She gave us prescriptions for everything we would need in the next few weeks. There are 4 of prescriptions, clomid (a pill), fertility shot, other shot (can't remember what this does) and progesterone to take after the procedure for several weeks...these people think of everything! Some of these prescriptions are scary, some we've taken before. There is a page in our binder on how to be stress free! We are working on that! We are trying to create a tropical oasis in our apartment...or some kind of peaceful and calming oasis!
We left the Charlton building and infertility corner that day feeling hopeful. So hopeful. As we were taking pictures outside we were struck with the thought about how people go to Mayo in search of hope. Standing outside of the Charlton Building I thought to myself that the name should be changed to the Hope Building. Because inside hope, at least for us, is found. It runs deep. It runs wide. It runs over us and around us. It washes us in something that we haven't felt for three years. God has brought us to this time and place, we believe, we hope. What about fear? On this day we only had hope. There was no room for fear. We needed to believe and we needed to hope. So we celebrated with campfire mocha's from Caribou Coffee right across the street from the Charlton Building! We are writing about this day because it is another step in our infertility journey. And though we don't know for sure what the future holds we are begging God to be with us and to help us. We also ask for your prayers and your hope. Thanks for being a part of our journey.

The Decision...

We wanted to make our infertility treatment decision before Christmas break. We were leaving for 2 weeks on December 18th to go to the Northwest to see family and friends for Christmas and New Year's. We knew we couldn't spend those two weeks thinking about our decision, we needed to make it. We were excited and confused. We wanted to start treatment right away. We wanted to start in December. BUT, we didn't know if we could because we would be gone for two weeks. I was sure those two weeks would not interfere with dates we would need to go to Mayo for the procedure. But I was also sure they would not let me risk not being here. It was stressful. We talked about it, thought about it in our own thought worlds, talked about it, asked God what we should do. Finally Joel said to me "I am leaning towards the clomid and minimal stimulation option." I told him I was to. We had our answer. We knew if we picked that option we would wait for the January cycle to do a treatment. We still had a little desire to do something with the December cycle. So I called Mayo. I was stressed and scared to call and chat about our dilemma. I thought they would think I was nuts! The first lady I talked to worked in the infertility office. She was so kind and understanding she brought me to tears. She gave the nurse a message to call me back that day. Less than an hour later the nurse called me back! I explained everything to her and she said that if I was going to be gone for two weeks we would not do anything for the December cycle. At that moment I realized that was wisdom. That last thing we needed was me on fertility medicine while on vacation...I am not always the most pleasant when on fertility medicine! Phew...huge burden lifted after talking to the nurse and telling her our decision...clomid with minimal stimulation (1 fertility shot) and IUI procedure. She scheduled us to come down on January 3 for a one on one class with the nurse. We needed to be educated about the procedure and the step by step process. And I needed to learn how to give myself a shot. We felt good about this conversation and our decision. We, of course, asked ourselves a time or two in the next few days if we made the the right decision. But it was made and we decided not to stress, but to trust. Just another step in our infertility journey...it was then time for vacation! We were so relaxed and ready. In an effort to eliminate stress and create peacefulness we made ourselves relax. We forced ourselves to be laid back and stress free! We had an extremely wonderful vacation! We had a fabulous time with sisters, brothers, moms, dads, nieces, nephews, dear friends. It was just what we needed! In the midst of family and friends we dreamed about what our infertility journey could lead to. We shared hopes, fears, dreams...We are blessed and thankful.