Mayo day 2: Finding Hope

Mayo Day 2 is the one where we went for the class, January 3, 2011. This time we knew where we were going but we still left 2.75 hours before we had to be there. We wanted to be early! Half way down it started snowing. Oh goodness! We weren't worried about getting there, but we were a little worried about the roads going home. We arrived 30 minutes early and sat near the waterfall again, on the bottom floor of the Charlton building. This time we knew we were only 3-4 minutes from checking in at the infertility desk 3-A. Around 2:05 we walked to the 1st floor and got in the elevator that led us to the third floor. I was worried about checking in without an appointment card because we hadn't picked up our mail from being on vacation yet. But the lady didn't say a word about that, she just checked me in! We sat for a few minutes and they came to get us. The class was us and the nurse. We were ushered into a room similar to the room we were in on our first visit. When the nurse walked in she had a black binder...she asked if we had one yet and I said no. She gave us the one she had...full of information we would need in the next few weeks! She went through the binder, not every page, but the important stuff. Then she pulled out the shots with a skin colored pin cushion. She demonstrated how to mix the first shot and then how to give it to myself. Then she let me practice. It was sort of weird, because I imagine putting a needle into a pin cushion is nothing compared to my stomach!! But it was still nice to practice. She gave us all the numbers we would need to get a hold of them at any time. She gave us instructions for day 1! She gave us prescriptions for everything we would need in the next few weeks. There are 4 of prescriptions, clomid (a pill), fertility shot, other shot (can't remember what this does) and progesterone to take after the procedure for several weeks...these people think of everything! Some of these prescriptions are scary, some we've taken before. There is a page in our binder on how to be stress free! We are working on that! We are trying to create a tropical oasis in our apartment...or some kind of peaceful and calming oasis!
We left the Charlton building and infertility corner that day feeling hopeful. So hopeful. As we were taking pictures outside we were struck with the thought about how people go to Mayo in search of hope. Standing outside of the Charlton Building I thought to myself that the name should be changed to the Hope Building. Because inside hope, at least for us, is found. It runs deep. It runs wide. It runs over us and around us. It washes us in something that we haven't felt for three years. God has brought us to this time and place, we believe, we hope. What about fear? On this day we only had hope. There was no room for fear. We needed to believe and we needed to hope. So we celebrated with campfire mocha's from Caribou Coffee right across the street from the Charlton Building! We are writing about this day because it is another step in our infertility journey. And though we don't know for sure what the future holds we are begging God to be with us and to help us. We also ask for your prayers and your hope. Thanks for being a part of our journey.

The Decision...

We wanted to make our infertility treatment decision before Christmas break. We were leaving for 2 weeks on December 18th to go to the Northwest to see family and friends for Christmas and New Year's. We knew we couldn't spend those two weeks thinking about our decision, we needed to make it. We were excited and confused. We wanted to start treatment right away. We wanted to start in December. BUT, we didn't know if we could because we would be gone for two weeks. I was sure those two weeks would not interfere with dates we would need to go to Mayo for the procedure. But I was also sure they would not let me risk not being here. It was stressful. We talked about it, thought about it in our own thought worlds, talked about it, asked God what we should do. Finally Joel said to me "I am leaning towards the clomid and minimal stimulation option." I told him I was to. We had our answer. We knew if we picked that option we would wait for the January cycle to do a treatment. We still had a little desire to do something with the December cycle. So I called Mayo. I was stressed and scared to call and chat about our dilemma. I thought they would think I was nuts! The first lady I talked to worked in the infertility office. She was so kind and understanding she brought me to tears. She gave the nurse a message to call me back that day. Less than an hour later the nurse called me back! I explained everything to her and she said that if I was going to be gone for two weeks we would not do anything for the December cycle. At that moment I realized that was wisdom. That last thing we needed was me on fertility medicine while on vacation...I am not always the most pleasant when on fertility medicine! Phew...huge burden lifted after talking to the nurse and telling her our decision...clomid with minimal stimulation (1 fertility shot) and IUI procedure. She scheduled us to come down on January 3 for a one on one class with the nurse. We needed to be educated about the procedure and the step by step process. And I needed to learn how to give myself a shot. We felt good about this conversation and our decision. We, of course, asked ourselves a time or two in the next few days if we made the the right decision. But it was made and we decided not to stress, but to trust. Just another step in our infertility journey...it was then time for vacation! We were so relaxed and ready. In an effort to eliminate stress and create peacefulness we made ourselves relax. We forced ourselves to be laid back and stress free! We had an extremely wonderful vacation! We had a fabulous time with sisters, brothers, moms, dads, nieces, nephews, dear friends. It was just what we needed! In the midst of family and friends we dreamed about what our infertility journey could lead to. We shared hopes, fears, dreams...We are blessed and thankful.

Mayo Day!

We feel like we need to record this day. We didn't have our camera so we'll use words...the day outside was bright, sunny and freezing cold (at least Zero degrees if not colder). Perfect for driving, sort of. The roads could have been icy, but thankfully they were not. We left around 10:30. We only had to go 86 miles, but we were nervous and wanted to be early. The day was surprisingly silent. In the morning, we sat on the couch sipping coffee not talking, just listening to the Today Show. In the car we were silent. Both lost in our own thoughts and nerves. If we really dwelled on it we would realized just how weighted down we were by anxiety. So much thought went into this day. And then it was here and we felt surreal. Everything about our lives is surreal! We should be used to it by now...but we never are. We finally put some Christmas music on in the car to have noise. We arrived in Rochester around 12:15pm. We followed directions to Mayo, drove by the hospital we needed to go to and basically for a few minutes were just in AWE over the place. We found the parking garage, parked, and started walking. It was sooooo cold outside. We needed food. We needed something to do to pass the time. We weren't supposed to be at the admissions desk until 2pm. We stopped for a sandwich at our favorite sandwich shop...Jimmy John's. We went next door to Caribou Coffee. We sat. We stared. We thought. We did not talk much. At 1:30 we walked across the street to the hospital. We sat some more. Joel read Sports Illustrated. I sat thinking, thinking, thinking. So many nerves. There was a calming waterfall to the left. At 1:50 we went upstairs to check in thinking we would then have to walk miles to get to the little corner of infertility. But nope! It was right upstairs at desk 3-A in the Charelton Hospital. We were early! We filled out paperwork, called mom to ask her questions they needed to know about my history, and then we sat. This time we whispered a little, but no reading. We examined a painting. The Mayo Clinic is very nice inside, it was a pleasant waiting room, it had an atmosphere that was nice and inviting and peaceful. Finally, 45 mintues later (because we were soooo early) they called us. First we saw the nurse. Then the amazing Doctor...she was so awesome. She thanked us for picking her to help us. She asked me to tell her my story in my own words. She was kind. She was welcoming. She listened, explained and gave us hope. She went through our previous records with us. Then she wrote down a list of treatment options, the order to do them in, and the percentage they increase our chances of a baby. She didn't want us to decide then, she wanted us to go home, think about it and call her. I wanted to decide right then. We didn't of course. She answered our questions and was told us what to expect next. It was overwhelming but good. Then we went downstairs to the lab because she wanted to know my thyroid levels so I had blood drawn...she is on a cutting edge research team regarding thyroid levels and infertility. Hopefully she can help stabilize this which in turn will help us. She was amazing and we felt really good as we left the office.
We didn't leave Mayo yet though...we had a coupon for a free gift at the education center! We had to go and get it, even though it was 2 buildings away! This time we walked inside! The whole place was just so nice. And the guy who gave us our free gift was excited we'd stopped to get it. Mayo could write the book on customer service. We've never seen better.
Now the decision making...which treatment to do first..we're thinking...praying...thinking...praying...

Intricate pieces

I am notorious for writing blog posts first in my head, when they come to me, usually in the middle of the night when I don't want to get up to write it down, or sometimes when I am not near a computer! I wrote one last night and then this morning, after much hard thinking (and black friday shopping), I remembered the gist of it...so this space will be used to try and re-create what has once been written. Here goes...

Intricate pieces
Our infertility journey is made up of so many intricate pieces. There are tears, hopes, pains, sorrows, sobs, hugs, holds, blogs, dreams, dreads, doctors, and so much more. God has so delicately written this part of our journey...and in September when I started work at LSS He began a chapter that has a little touch of blessing. Through our Mayo clinic appointment scheduling and record gathering for that appointment and scheduling time off work, I have had the opportunity to tell my boss why I need to take the day off December 7. With one word, infertility, we found a connection. She doesn't have children either. And though she suffered the long painful battle of infertility almost 10 years ago and has come to terms with being the best aunt on the planet, but not a mom, she knows what I am going through. She knows Joel and I's pain. She has a hope that our journey will turn out differently than her and her husbands did. She has a strength like I never imagined possible. She has over 30 nieces and nephews and she is the best aunt they could ever ask for. I admire her for that. I feel like God ordained this from the very first page of this journey. He knew that as we walked this part of the road we would need another person who understands, one who will openly talk about it, and one who knows. He is indeed faithful.

Hymn #763

My Life Flows On in Endless Song

We've been singing this hymn a lot lately between daily seminary chapel and church...it speaks to our hearts each time we sing it so we wanted to post it here:

My life flows on in endless song; above earth’s lamentation
I catch the sweet though far off hymn that hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife I hear the music ringing.
It finds an echo in my soul. How can I keep from singing?

What though my joys and comforts die? The Lord my Savior liveth.
What though the darkness gather round? Songs in the night He giveth.

The peace of Christ makes fresh my heart, a fountain ever springing!
All things are mine since I am His! How can I keep from singing?

Refrain: No storm can shake my inmost calm while to that Rock I'm clinging.
Since Christ is Lord of Heaven and earth, how can I keep from singing?

Facebook and Infertility

Joel found an article in the Minneapolis Star Tribune about infertility and Facebook. There is no direct connection of course, unless you consider the pain that Facebook can add to infertility. Let me explain...the article was all about how infertile couples are inundated with birth announcements, we're having a baby announcements, sonogram pictures, new baby pictures, and on and on...all from expectant or excited new moms and dads. It's something you can't escape if you use Facebook. One counselor in the article even went so far as to tell her infertile couple to avoid it for one week to see the difference it made. The ironic thing is that these couples who long to have their own news to share imagine doing it on Facebook. They want what they so painfully see others have. Joel has often told me to get off or stop looking at Facebook. He doesn't go on it very often. And we can't count on two hands the number of people we know who are pregnant or new moms and dads...on Facebook...we hear news weekly, if not daily, of new babies on the way. It's a joyful thing. It a beautiful thing. It's amazing...today's technology. We don't write these words to offend, we rejoice new beings and yet we mourn the loss of not being able to have similar news to share. We weep tears of pain and sorrow. We wrap ourselves tightly in each others arms, in hopes that it will take away the pain of not having our very own adopted or biological babies in our arms. We are tired of waiting, we hurt and we are sad.

With that said...while we're on the subject of Facebook and infertility...why is it that the ads on the right side of the page are ALWAYS about free newborn samples, or try these softest booties for your newborn, or the fuzziest blanket,or innovative diaper bag, or get pregnant without modern medicine assisting, your just a "new natural method" away, blah, blah, blah. If they are trying to reach this consumer they are failing miserably. Does this happen to everyone? Is the entire Facebook world there to give free samples for babies? Maybe if they tried advertising holiday coffee drinks from caribou, dunn brothers or starbucks for FREE we would be quick to click, or run this race or read this new fiction by our favorite authors book, or on and on and on...all for free...if only.

And now we must go check facebook...

My Gracious God meets me...

in my brokenness. Or rather, our gracious God meets us in our brokeness. That is a line from the sermon this morning...he meets us in our brokenness and in many other parts of our life. The big one for us today is our brokenness. I imagine him walking down a dirt path heading West, and us walking hand in hand down the same dirt path heading East. We are headed in opposite directions, toward each other. He meets us on our path of brokenness. He was there all along, traveling the path with us. He knows infertility, he knows sadness, heartbrokeness, tears, pain, and we could go on and on. He knows when we want to go into hiding and he knows when we run to try and distract us from the pain. He knows and he meets us there.