This is a messy topic. And a pretty random post. I'm not even sure I should be writing but my thoughts have been consuming me lately so I thought maybe writing here would help...
First of all, I haven't written in years. This blog started out to share our journey through infertility. Then it just kind of stopped because I was trying to figure out how to raise baby twins! Who are 4 now. Time flies.
You know what? Our infertility wasn't cured with the birth of our now 3 fertility treatment babies. Should it be? Is something wrong with me? I think something is wrong with me. We had IVF twins, first go around, 3 embryos in the freezer. For two and a half years I thought about our freezer babies. I imagined a car full of them. Then came the unfreezing. One didn't survive. The other two were transferred in to me...our sweet Hadley Hope came to be! Her twin didn't end up implanting. Maybe it's the loss of those two embryos that I have never really processed that brings me to being consumed with my thoughts about infertility...
But, you guys, it didn't go away. I don't think it ever will. But I do think I'm supposed to be in a better place than where I am now. It's so up and down. I feel blessed and overwhelmed that I am a mom to my sweet girls. I feel sad that we couldn't have more babies. I feel crushed that my body was never able to make a baby but thankful it was able to grow my girls. We've been trying for months to have another baby, but maybe this is the end of that journey...maybe I'm losing my strength and courage to hope and to dream. Maybe this is it. And if it is, thanks be to God that I have the journey I have. I'm not ungrateful. I'm so very grateful. But as the saying goes, the days are long, the years are short. The days are hard. I'm burdened with that every day because yes, the days are so very hard...but so many people never get to experience these hard days, so I feel guilty that they are hard. I'm thankful because I've been blessed with a very dear friend here whose kids love playing with mine and vice versa...what a gift that makes the long days seem not quite so long. Oh what fun we have together!
So, I'm wondering...maybe the pain never quite goes away. The other day I said to Hannah, thank you for making me a mommy Hannah and she said I didn't make you a mommy God did...oh from her sweet mouth...I'll never forget the moment I first saw my very first baby girl though, it was her.
And If you're wondering, this isn't about a need to have a boy...you guys I couldn't love having 3 girls more than I do. They are precious and fun and so sweet. I don't feel a void from not having a boy. I didn't wish for one second after finding out Hadley was a girl that she'd been a boy, not one, not even half a second. I thought she was a boy, I thought she was our Luke...but I'm so happy she wasn't and that she's our Hadley. The moment I first held her the first thought that ran through my head was you've healed me baby girl...maybe that's enough. Maybe I'll always have longing but maybe this is enough. This is great, wonderful, awesome, fun! Maybe this is enough.
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Monday, November 28, 2016
Tuesday, April 21, 2015
NIAW
It's National Infertility Awareness Week, April 19-25, 2015.
It's had me thinking a lot about our journey with infertility. The theme this year is You Are Not Alone...it's a sad, lonely road to travel. I've found so much understanding and support from my online twitter community. People who are living it right along side us. People who know the pain.
It has changed us forever.
We never dreamed it would define us. We never dreamed it would be a large part of who we are. We never dreamed that back in 2007 when we decided to start a family that it would come with so many tears, heartache, pain...
So many shots. So many tests and treatment options and roads to travel...
Here's the thing...we have miracles as a result of our journey. But you know what, I'm gonna be honest here...I still cry infertility tears. It's still a part of who we are. It doesn't go away with a positive pregnancy test or a healthy birth...
I know, I know, that doesn't make sense, even to me sometimes.
I am so thankful for our IVF twins Hannah and Harper. They are joy and grace and love and smiles and giggles and tears and lessons and fear and sleeplessness and all around an awe so watch grow...
They are so amazing. I look at them sometimes, still, and wonder if they are really ours. Then I wonder if I think that because of infertility and our long journey to get them, and then I get mad.
But I am so thankful
And there's a baby sister on the way! Due in just a few weeks! And wow, we're so thankful that after a frozen embryo transfer and a rocky start that she is growing! And healthy. And we're overwhelmed that she'll be here soon, we're fearful that she'll decide to arrive too soon, but we're anxious to meet her...just not for a few weeks. I'm filled with unspeakable joy when Harper and Hannah want to give baby sister a kiss or tickle her or they bring her a snack, to mommy's tummy, or a toy to play with...there's no describing that...
We are blessed. Beyond words. We never dreamed or imagined we would get here..parents to 3 little girls. Wow.
It's hard, it's wonderful...sometimes I feel robbed of the true richness of feelings because it seems so surreal, another thing I blame infertility on.
I've been absent from this blog for a long time...I've been lost in my own thoughts, not sure how to put any of them into words, I've been overwhelmed and sad and happy...
I just want to say, infertility is an often silent journey. Words cannot describe the empty arms, the deep sadness, the fear, the disappointment of another failed treatment, more bad news as your body once again fails you...if you're there, in the throes of it, you are not alone.
I know so many miracles now who bring hope! And so much sadness with so many people's journeys...
You are not alone.
My hope, my longing, is that there is joy and hope and peace on the horizon...in the midst of the deep deep pain, silence and sorrow. You are not alone.
It's had me thinking a lot about our journey with infertility. The theme this year is You Are Not Alone...it's a sad, lonely road to travel. I've found so much understanding and support from my online twitter community. People who are living it right along side us. People who know the pain.
It has changed us forever.
We never dreamed it would define us. We never dreamed it would be a large part of who we are. We never dreamed that back in 2007 when we decided to start a family that it would come with so many tears, heartache, pain...
So many shots. So many tests and treatment options and roads to travel...
Here's the thing...we have miracles as a result of our journey. But you know what, I'm gonna be honest here...I still cry infertility tears. It's still a part of who we are. It doesn't go away with a positive pregnancy test or a healthy birth...
I know, I know, that doesn't make sense, even to me sometimes.
I am so thankful for our IVF twins Hannah and Harper. They are joy and grace and love and smiles and giggles and tears and lessons and fear and sleeplessness and all around an awe so watch grow...
They are so amazing. I look at them sometimes, still, and wonder if they are really ours. Then I wonder if I think that because of infertility and our long journey to get them, and then I get mad.
But I am so thankful
And there's a baby sister on the way! Due in just a few weeks! And wow, we're so thankful that after a frozen embryo transfer and a rocky start that she is growing! And healthy. And we're overwhelmed that she'll be here soon, we're fearful that she'll decide to arrive too soon, but we're anxious to meet her...just not for a few weeks. I'm filled with unspeakable joy when Harper and Hannah want to give baby sister a kiss or tickle her or they bring her a snack, to mommy's tummy, or a toy to play with...there's no describing that...
We are blessed. Beyond words. We never dreamed or imagined we would get here..parents to 3 little girls. Wow.
It's hard, it's wonderful...sometimes I feel robbed of the true richness of feelings because it seems so surreal, another thing I blame infertility on.
I've been absent from this blog for a long time...I've been lost in my own thoughts, not sure how to put any of them into words, I've been overwhelmed and sad and happy...
I just want to say, infertility is an often silent journey. Words cannot describe the empty arms, the deep sadness, the fear, the disappointment of another failed treatment, more bad news as your body once again fails you...if you're there, in the throes of it, you are not alone.
I know so many miracles now who bring hope! And so much sadness with so many people's journeys...
You are not alone.
My hope, my longing, is that there is joy and hope and peace on the horizon...in the midst of the deep deep pain, silence and sorrow. You are not alone.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Transfer day
What a day! An emotional, exciting, tiring, fearful, awe filled day.
The most nervewracking was waiting for our embryo report. We had no clue what was going on with them...were the first two, frozen together, unfreezing well so the third one could stay frozen? That's the best case scenario...
Or were some of them having troubles, would we have one or two to transfer? Or none?
The nurse got me ready and gave me a valium then we waited for Dr. Shomento. I couldn't believe the day was finally here! I'd imagined this day for months, since February, or really for longer than that. Probably ever since the day after Hannah and Harper were transferred and Dr. Shomento called me to say we had three embryos to freeze.
When the doctor came in she had a picture and it was of two of our embryos. She said it was time to try for another set of twins...
They were both unfrozen, one was at the same stage the girls were on transfer day, the other was behind but still strong enough for transfer. Then she let us know that the third one didn't make it. All three had to be unfrozen and one of the first two didn't survive the unfreezing.
Maybe you think we're nuts for transferring two...trying for twins again. Maybe we are. But after this long journey we've been on, you listen to you doctor and you do what she thinks is best. The success rate for FET is 20% less than with IVF...if there's two to transfer she transfers them to increase the success rate of at least one of them growing...
And these are my babies. I've longed to try and grow them...for two and a half years! I love that I'm getting the opportunity now! I pray the one behind is a strong little fighter! I pray they're both growing! I know it'll be hard...oh so hard, indescribably hard...but oh the joy for our long infertility journey to bring more babies! Friday is test day and I'm terrified. It feels like it's a year away, but hopefully it'll be here before I know it!
Stay tuned.
The most nervewracking was waiting for our embryo report. We had no clue what was going on with them...were the first two, frozen together, unfreezing well so the third one could stay frozen? That's the best case scenario...
Or were some of them having troubles, would we have one or two to transfer? Or none?
The nurse got me ready and gave me a valium then we waited for Dr. Shomento. I couldn't believe the day was finally here! I'd imagined this day for months, since February, or really for longer than that. Probably ever since the day after Hannah and Harper were transferred and Dr. Shomento called me to say we had three embryos to freeze.
When the doctor came in she had a picture and it was of two of our embryos. She said it was time to try for another set of twins...
They were both unfrozen, one was at the same stage the girls were on transfer day, the other was behind but still strong enough for transfer. Then she let us know that the third one didn't make it. All three had to be unfrozen and one of the first two didn't survive the unfreezing.
Maybe you think we're nuts for transferring two...trying for twins again. Maybe we are. But after this long journey we've been on, you listen to you doctor and you do what she thinks is best. The success rate for FET is 20% less than with IVF...if there's two to transfer she transfers them to increase the success rate of at least one of them growing...
And these are my babies. I've longed to try and grow them...for two and a half years! I love that I'm getting the opportunity now! I pray the one behind is a strong little fighter! I pray they're both growing! I know it'll be hard...oh so hard, indescribably hard...but oh the joy for our long infertility journey to bring more babies! Friday is test day and I'm terrified. It feels like it's a year away, but hopefully it'll be here before I know it!
Stay tuned.
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