Confusion

Last week found us in the midst of one more negative test result...and we were so sure this time. But round 5 failed, epically. By epically we mean that all 5 treatments failed. All we got out of those 5 treatments was a bill, meds that make me gain weight, and a super nice doctor. We're thankful for the doctor. Devastated by the failure. We're so confused. And so mad. Most of the confusion and anger are directed at God right now...every appointment fell into place for us, only one interfered with Joel's classes, well he missed 1 and a half classes, it all seemed so right. Back when we first tried to get an appointment they didn't even ask questions, just scheduled us. It all felt like the road we were suppose to travel. Back in December, after we first met with our doctor, it seemed a sure thing that it would work. Then came the yo yo of hope and pain. The ups and downs of hormones and tears and dreams of a dream finally coming true. All of it with no result in the end. We're sad and mad. We're trying to work through it, but almost don't have the energy this time. Like Joel said just yesterday, the finality of failed treatment number 5 is really really hard. We can only hope that with time the pain fades. And maybe somewhere along the road we can find hope again, in the midst of pure devastation.