infertility

I've contemplated, mostly at 5am this morning, whether or not I should write this blog post but here I am. Yesterday on our way home from car shopping in Helena, we stopped at Scheel's (the MT and ND version of REI) in Great Falls. We walked around their display at the entrance to men's clearance. As Joel was shopping I turned and right in front of me was a very pregnant lady in a tight white t-shirt and jean shorts. I stopped in my tracks and in that instant I labeled myself as infertile and her as pregnant. I felt like time stood still as I contemplated what this meant. It just hit me so hard and as I lay awake thinking about that moment early this morning I cried. We were two different people. I hoped she didn't notice me staring because I'm pretty sure I was. She had something I wanted. I wanted it so much more than I wanted anything else in that store as we continued shopping. I could not buy what she had. I could buy a jacket that I really liked, but it was nothing compared to what I wanted but couldn't have. Then I thought about how she had no idea I was infertile and how she had no idea that simply being there in that moment brought me so much pain. While it was so evident to all who laid eyes on her that she was pregnant, the eyes looking upon us saw no signs of our infertility pain. You cannot see what we are in that part of our lives, like you can see that she is pregnant. I was heartbroken. While her being pregnant brings her, what I imagine to be,joy, happiness, giddiness, nervousness, anxiousness, excitement, pain, laughter, love...our being infertile brings us sadness, pain, loss of hope and yearning for something we don't know if we can have. If only it were as easy as walking into Scheel's and buying what we want more than anything in the world. If only. For now, we will go into our shell which hides our pain from the world, from those around us, and from those outside of this blog. We will cry and hold onto each other. And we will wonder if this shell of pain that so envelopes us will ever open up.

Coffee

I have finally found someone who understands my love for and view of coffee. I haven't met her but she is the author of "fresh-brewed life", a stirring invitation to wake up your soul! I love coffee. And my love for it does not come from the caffeine, despite what many may think. I've often felt embarrassed by this love...mainly because people have made fun of me, or watched and actually counted the amount of coffee I drink in a morning, or made comments about my love for coffee. Seriously, this is not about the caffeine. It sort of is in that I do drink it every day, and would get a headache if i didn't but it is so much more than that. Here is an excerpt from the introduction to the book:

"Would you like coffee this morning? There is rarely a morning out when this offer fails to bring joy to my heart. At home the first thing I do in the morning is put on the coffee. Just the sound of the brewing perks me up. Often my soul does this little dance when the aroma of freshly ground beans starts to fill the kitchen.

Coffee bring warmth and comfort to my life. Part ritual, part relationship, part hope, having a cup in my hand feels as natural as holding a pencil. It stirs up memories and gratitude inside of me.

...Coffee is an invitation. When someone invites you to get coffee, it isn't that he or she is thirsty; more likely, that person just wants to spend time with you...coffee is an invitation to life."

I imagine some of you are rolling your eyes at me about right now! And that's ok. The author tells about having "coffee-milk" with her grandma early in the morning when she was about 5 years old. It is a memory. I share coffee-milk with my niece who is 8...it's one part coffee, 4 parts milk, and 3 parts sugar! And it's about the memory...she loves sharing that with aunt melissa, and I love having that little moment with her!

Joel and I love the act of act of sharing a cup of coffee either on the deck or the couch each morning. It's about the coffee, but it's also about the ritual. I love having coffee with friends or family or people I barely know but want to get to know. It's about the time and the relationship.

So, this is all the reason for my coffee kitchen as I like to call it. It's decorated with coffee pictures, it has two pots, one for regular, one for decaf, or 2for regular if need be, it has creamer, sugar, milk. I can meet all of your coffee needs. I even have hot chocolate, orange juice, ice water and some rootbeer if you'd rather indulge in one of those. It's about the memory remember. Anyone want to have coffee with me?

Stepping...

The question often on our minds is what is the next step to take on our infertility journey. We keep thinking about the clinic in Billings and our dear friend back home telling us to not let a lot of time pass before we call that clinic. And that is what we want to do. We want to meet with someone who will understand and who can help us in some way. We do still think about adoption, and to be honest, we want a baby so badly that if adoption will make it happen sooner, we want that. But we can't give up the hope of being pregnant. And right now it feels the only way for that to happen is to talk with a fertility clinic. While adopting you are not allowed to seek fertility help. You actually have to write a letter stating when you stopped doing treatments or persuing help and how you overcame the sadness of that decision. But we simply aren't ready to give up trying. It doesn't seem fair that we can't be pregnant. We don't understand at all. Some days we hope, some days we talk about a plan, and some days we talk about what it will look like to not ever have kids. It's one of those things that we long for so deeply we can't imagine ever overcoming the sadness of it not happening. But time will tell. We'll keep praying and once we have the handy dandy paperwork from insurance in our hands giving us proof of covereage we will make a phone call to Billings. We don't know with our schedules if we will even be able to get an appointment scheduled but I'm gonna at least call to find out.

Family and Friends

In the almost 4 weeks that we've lived here we've had a lot of visitors! First Jim, Joel's dad, drove out here with us and stayed for a few days, then his parents came back the next week to check out our new abode, churches and communities! Then we had Joel's sister Elizabeth, her husband Ryan and their kids Blazer, Dash and Finely here! That was an adventure filled and relaxing visit playing lots of super hero...the day after they arrived friend Lindsay came for the night! She was en-route to Alaska and was able to stop by Big Sandy on her journey! What fun to have her here for the night. We had a house full and we loved it. And everyone was able to experience the local Bear Paw Coffee Shop and Deli (their caramel rolls are a Big Sandy must). We have to admit, yesterday, walking in after a long day of painting the preschool (for me) and a full day of work in Havre (for Joel) we were looking for people and more noise. It felt strangely quiet. We didn't know what to do! So we left the house to get the mail. And today comes lots of cleaning and lawn mowing and more settling in. We like living here. It's very peaceful. And we like all of the space we have. Now we just need to take some time to finish unpacking, get into a routine, go on a date night, buy a new 4wd vehicle, and get our basement ready for even more visitors. Anyone? You are all welcome!

A year of fun...

For one week we got to watch the TV channel Style for free. Darn Dishnetwork, I started watching 2 shows on it, and I thought we got the channel. But today, one week and one day after getting dish hooked up, the channel disappeared. It is no longer part of our package, well it never was. It was their way of getting us to upgrade. And in a way it worked, I haven't upgraded yet, but I am hooked. Ugh! Maybe I can watch the two shows I am hooked on online. The shows are Giuliana and Bill (Rancid) and Tia and Tamara. Ok, I admit, I have always been intrigued with Tia and Tamera because I am also an identical twin. I watched the first episode, and I really want to keep watching the rest! The Giuliana (not sure on the spelling) and Bill show is fascinating, mostly in part because they talk openly about their infertility journey. I want to know them. I want to call them up. I might even try to track them down! After failed IUI's (what we have done) and 2 failed attempts of IVF (on the first try she got pregnant and miscarried, the second try failed) they have decided to stop treatments and just have a year of fun where they can do what they want, when they want, and not have to pay attention to calendars and hormones and shot dates, etc. It seemed like it would be a freeing idea. But you see, with infertility, it never really goes away. And in the midst of their year of fun Giuliana got wind of a holistic fertility doctor in New York and despite Bill sort of dragging his feet, they made an appt. The doctor told them to do acupuncture. And with that, hopefully it works, but with that, their year of fun wasno more. But it probably never really ever was...because when you are going through infertility each month, even if you didn't do a treatment or count days or use an ovulation test kit, you still hope and wonder and are crushed if once again you are not pregnant. When you do fertility treatments you are very in tune to your body. You are pretty sure, even without kits or sticks, when the right time to try is and with that comes a little bit of hope. But then you are reminded that the month before and the month before that, it didn't work. And you want to throw out every thing baby related in your house, or at least hide it. We now have a big house. But I hate it when I open a box in the basement, not remembering what is in it, and see something baby related (a stuffed animal, a blanket, an outfit, either given to us in hope, or purchased in hope) because it makes me so darn sad. I think I will try to watch their show online and maybe just maybe their journey will have a happy ending. And maybe ours will to someday.

A hope gone awry

Over the past couple of weeks I've had a million different thoughts in my head about infertility. We go from hoping to wondering if we need to get used to being a forever family of 2 and what that will look like for us. We are often asked "do you have kids," and when we say "no" we are then asked "no as in never or no not yet?" We always say no not yet, and the person asking gets so excited. And in my head I tell them all about how we don't know if we can have kids and we've been trying for nearly 4 years and we've had fertility treatments and nothing works. But we say nothing, we just smile and nod. One lady got so excited with our "not yet" that she said maybe something was on the horizon, she was giddy. And all I could think about was how nope, there is nothing on the horizon except maybe a phone call to the Billings clinic. We cry and we get angry and then we get sad. Because if nothing has worked yet, what if that means it never will? I know people have said they really believe we will be parents. But to be honest...in this day, I can't even imagine it anymore. We used to long to have a little us, to be pregnant, to give birth, to go through all of that, but now we can't even imagine it because it feels like it will never happen. I know, I know, we're supposed to keep the hope. But I guess that is what we need you for.