infertility

I've contemplated, mostly at 5am this morning, whether or not I should write this blog post but here I am. Yesterday on our way home from car shopping in Helena, we stopped at Scheel's (the MT and ND version of REI) in Great Falls. We walked around their display at the entrance to men's clearance. As Joel was shopping I turned and right in front of me was a very pregnant lady in a tight white t-shirt and jean shorts. I stopped in my tracks and in that instant I labeled myself as infertile and her as pregnant. I felt like time stood still as I contemplated what this meant. It just hit me so hard and as I lay awake thinking about that moment early this morning I cried. We were two different people. I hoped she didn't notice me staring because I'm pretty sure I was. She had something I wanted. I wanted it so much more than I wanted anything else in that store as we continued shopping. I could not buy what she had. I could buy a jacket that I really liked, but it was nothing compared to what I wanted but couldn't have. Then I thought about how she had no idea I was infertile and how she had no idea that simply being there in that moment brought me so much pain. While it was so evident to all who laid eyes on her that she was pregnant, the eyes looking upon us saw no signs of our infertility pain. You cannot see what we are in that part of our lives, like you can see that she is pregnant. I was heartbroken. While her being pregnant brings her, what I imagine to be,joy, happiness, giddiness, nervousness, anxiousness, excitement, pain, laughter, love...our being infertile brings us sadness, pain, loss of hope and yearning for something we don't know if we can have. If only it were as easy as walking into Scheel's and buying what we want more than anything in the world. If only. For now, we will go into our shell which hides our pain from the world, from those around us, and from those outside of this blog. We will cry and hold onto each other. And we will wonder if this shell of pain that so envelopes us will ever open up.