Sometimes we don't understand...

I've had blog posts rolling around in my head for a few days now, but wasn't able to get them down...so today I am blogging! This blog is therapy for us, it's a way for us to get our thoughts out, it's a way for us to process, and an opportunity to not miss a moment of this journey we are on.
The other day at work I was talking with a co-worker about another co-worker whose wife is pregnant with their third child...she was telling me that this pregnancy was unexpected and though they are excited about the baby they are not excited about being pregnant...she also said this couple was not planning to have another baby and how this is throwing a wrench is their lives. That was so hard for me to hear. I told her that I will never be in a place in my life where I understand that...I would welcome an unexpected baby...I would dance for joy, cry tears of joy, laugh, and dance some more. I know this couple is very much ok with their baby on the way...and I think that is wonderful...but hearing about their story was more than I could take. I cried. I want what they have. It's hard not to think mean thoughts of how unfair it is, we want so deeply to be mommy and daddy. We want so deeply that sometimes it scares us. The pain is anguish filled, tear filled, and hug filled as we hold each other, and as we trust that the arms of Jesus are holding us both.

Names....

Last week we did something we said we would never do until pregnant or holding an adoption referral...we made a name list for our future children. Maybe this also (like the bunny) was an act of faith, or maybe an act of fear. We can't help but think up names or like names we hear...Maybe it was excitement or maybe we were afraid we would forget these names someday when we need them...but no matter the reason we did it. We have our name list. We will add to it and delete from it. We may not ever use a name on it, but for now, if and when the time ever comes we have the names, we are a little more prepared. My favorite name on the list is one from Joel...the name comes from that of a news reporter...Joel loves to research news reporters...and he happened to find one that I really liked the name of...and so did he!

Our chocolate blue bunny...

A couple of days ago Joel bought a blue and chocolate colored stuffed bunny. The bunny came with the name "Sweet Chocolate Bunny." He bought it as an act of faith that one day we will have a little one to give it to. This touched my heart. It was a surprise for me. I think it is pure sweetness that my husband who so desires to be a daddy was thinking about his little one to be and bought that bunny. It doesn't matter if the first one is boy or girl or if there are more than one first ones, he/she or they will get that bunny from daddy. This bunny will sit on our bed for now and remind us that someday as God promises, he will give us the desires of our hearts. We desire little girls and boys to lead, learn from, teach, laugh with, pray with, dance with, tickle, tumble and play with! This is a cry of our hearts. Today we imagine...today a blue stuffed bunny enters our imaginations.

father's day heartache...

Today is harder than I thought it would be. To my dearest Joel...I am so sorry that today is not a day of celebration for us, I am so sorry that today we lack one thing we want so badly....arms full of little girls and boys who call you daddy. My heart yearns for this. As a wife, I want to see my husband be a daddy. I know in my heart, in my soul, that he was made for it. This journey is so hard. Today is one giant reminder of our sadness.
We are so thankful for our own dad's so we pause in the midst of the day to joyfully think about them....we will call both of them to say how much they mean to us. We will send cards to them. We will wish we could be with them, maybe then this day would be happier for us, maybe we would have some distraction.
Today, on this made up holiday, started so many years ago in Spokane WA, or so we heard on the TV, we will go to church, we will clean house, watch tv, eat food, cry, hug each other, and beg God to be with us. We need cradled today.

Better than a hallelujah....

Do you ever have pain so bad that it makes you numb? Today I hurt like that. Not a physical pain, but more like a physical weight covering the emotional pain, the hurt of my heart. It makes me want to run, run, run, until I can't anymore because then maybe I'll forget about the hurt of my heart. Maybe I will run so fast that I will beat the hurt, overcome it. On days like today it's hard to yearn or hope. I have to just be. I have to ask why. I want to cry. I want to weep. But the tears aren't coming. Maybe soon they will. Somewhere buried deep in the promises of God I can find the strength, the courage and the hope I need. Today, I am too numb to talk to Jesus. I am not mad, I just don't know what to say. That's why these lyrics speak so much to me:

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah.

The tears of shame for what's been done,
The silence when the words won't come
Are better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

Thank God that he can hear a melody in the midst of our breaking hearts. My silence to our creator, my miseries, my brokenness, my honesty....intertwined....and better than a hallelujah.

Hope Tank

Hope is a funny thing. It comes and goes so radically that it is sometimes hard for us to keep track of. One moment we have it, the next we don't. We never have a lot, we sometimes have none but we are always hoping for more! That might not make sense to anyone but us. We know we have hope in Jesus. We know we have hope and promise of eternal life. Sometimes we hope to be parents, sometimes it hurts to much to hope for what we imagine to be pure amazingness. Back in October we felt Jesus tell us that our arms would be filled with babies...we pictured it so clearly. We felt his Holy Spirit in our midst. We can cling to that. We can cling to Jesus who has never left us even when we felt like he did. In the midst of our sadness and even anger we imagine he cries with us, he must know our pain to the very depth. It's so incredibly hard sometime because we don't understand why he won't give us children. We think we would be amazing parents, we love kids, we know it would be hard work but we'll take the sweat, the lack of sleep, the frustrations, the fears. It seems to us that the only thing better than dancing just the two of us in our living room would be just the two of us plus little feet in sync with ours, part Joel, part me, adopted, chosen, created, biological. You see we love to play. We love to play especially with kids. Some of our passions in life come in the form of our 2 nieces and 3 nephews (and the ones along the way). Today we're scared that it will never happen, maybe tomorrow we'll hope that it will. We plead with the one who is Lord of all creation. We want, we cry out, we try to find hope.

Ethiopia

I titled this blog Ethiopia because this weekend at a fair trade fair we purchased a bracelet handmade in Ethiopia by a lady whom we do not know the name of. The lady who took our money told us how much the lady who made it appreciates us. It struck me and I started to wonder about this woman who took time to create this small piece of beauty. Then I said a prayer for her that she would be blessed. Then I began to think about a lady in Ethiopia giving birth to one of our children and I prayed for her also. When we were told no by the adoption agency a few months ago we were devastated. The pain was horrible. We didn't understand why God was closing the door, when we felt so clearly that he was the one opening it to begin with. But now as I look at this bracelet I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, we do have a child there, or that God's plans are to create a child there for us to be mommy and daddy to. We don't know his plan but for the first time since being told no by the agency we started praying for our children that may not be biological, but will be chosen by us simply because they were and are created to be ours. Sometimes, no most of the time, it is hard to wrap our minds around God's plan for us to be parents, or even to trust that he will allow this to happen. For now we wait, but in the midst of our waiting we add prayer.

If I were a Tweeter...

By Joel and Melissa:
I'd tweet...Badlands coffee shop at an old episcopal church in Dickinson, ND is so amazingly delightful...would make a trip there just for that!

I'd tweet...the greenness that rain produces in northwestern north dakota is stunning and almost magical...one moment it's brown out, then comes a short rain storm and suddenly we're surrounded by green.

I'd tweet...three lines at the end of a sermon can touch a heart, even when the rest of it is passed by un-noticed (if you're a bystander like myself)

I'd tweet...we were robbed, literally, by someone unknown...they stole an REI order left at our rear-door...REI is replacing all that was lost at no extra charge

I'd tweet...REI's response to our robbing...that's grace

I'd tweet...sometimes pain comes and goes, right now it goes, wondering what moment it will come again in

I'd tweet...beautiful sunny day, off to weed our yard which is plentiful with weeds

I'd tweet...a little living room dancing is good for our souls

That's all the tweeting we have for now...surely there will be more to come!

Adandoned

We feel abandoned by God. We are probably not "allowed" to say something like that as a pastor and pastor's wife in training but at this point our hearts hurt so bad that we selfishly don't care. We see our prayers answered a lot, prayers for other people to have babies, prayers for the little things...but do we see our prayers for a baby for ourselves answered? No, it is like He is listening to everyone's desires and hopes and dreams but not ours. It's so so hard. It's so so painful. It's so so lonely. It's so so confusing. It's so so sad for us. It's so so tearful. Some days like today on the drive to work I was glad to be alone because the tears just came and they wouldn't stop. the pain is so bad. When someone announces a pregnancy or adoption referral there is nothing but joy and everyone joins in. When a couple endures infertility it's like a giant in the room that can't be talked about. It's silent. Maybe that's why we blog, because it's here we can write what we're feeling freely. It's here we can lay out our grief. Maybe it's here that God listens when it is too hard for us to talk to him about it. Yesterday our tears were mixed with anger, today they were mixed with sadness. We don't know what tomorrow with bring. We wait, all we ever do is wait.