Adandoned

We feel abandoned by God. We are probably not "allowed" to say something like that as a pastor and pastor's wife in training but at this point our hearts hurt so bad that we selfishly don't care. We see our prayers answered a lot, prayers for other people to have babies, prayers for the little things...but do we see our prayers for a baby for ourselves answered? No, it is like He is listening to everyone's desires and hopes and dreams but not ours. It's so so hard. It's so so painful. It's so so lonely. It's so so confusing. It's so so sad for us. It's so so tearful. Some days like today on the drive to work I was glad to be alone because the tears just came and they wouldn't stop. the pain is so bad. When someone announces a pregnancy or adoption referral there is nothing but joy and everyone joins in. When a couple endures infertility it's like a giant in the room that can't be talked about. It's silent. Maybe that's why we blog, because it's here we can write what we're feeling freely. It's here we can lay out our grief. Maybe it's here that God listens when it is too hard for us to talk to him about it. Yesterday our tears were mixed with anger, today they were mixed with sadness. We don't know what tomorrow with bring. We wait, all we ever do is wait.