Up the ladder...

Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I envisioned us on a ladder. We were fighting to get to the top, through trees, through falling objects, we just needed to get to the top. We were a little more than half way there. We were reaching. At the top was contentment. The top was our journey filled with pain, but bearable. There was not happiness nor was there longing fulfilled, but there was the very clear way to being a family of 2, there was hope that we can navigate this family of two thing, forever. We love being us, we just want so much more. I imagine, probably because I'm good at making stories up in my head, that some of you are bored or annoyed with this blog...I wouldn't be surprised if you don't read it anymore...It feels like it's the same words over and over again. The same pain, the same lack of hope, the same tears. I probably wrote what I am writing now, a year ago, 3 months ago, 2 weeks ago. I don't really know what to compare this pain to. And I don't know why it won't end. Every one who deals with infertility deals with it differently. And maybe if our infertility was explained we would deal with it differently. But for now, as we keep on traveling, we remain sad, confused, mad. It's so darn hard. I was wishing today that someone, well God really, would tell us what the deal is here. If we can't have kids we'd like to know, if we can have them but not for 10 years, we'd like to know. But such is life, not knowing, always wondering, barely hoping, and lots o' tears.