Thursday, January 26, 2012
The test...and now we wait...
Tuesday I did a pregnancy test. It was negative. Of course. I didn't really have much of a reaction. I think I expected it. But it makes me so darn frustrated. I know no one has the answers, so I shouldn't ask why, why, why? But I wonder that a lot. It's rolling around in my head. I don't really know how to make this pain go away. I wonder, what if we have to live with it forever? I don't know how to make it go away. It has it's bad days and it's ok days, but it's oh so hard.
Wednesday we filled my prescription for birth control.
Thursday, today, I called Julia, our doctor's nurse. I was pretty confused about what happens next. Except I knew that yet another day 1 was upon us.
Friday we drink coffee and have a day of play, including going to a basketball game...my undergrad alma mater is playing MSU Northern in Havre, exciting!
And Saturday I start the birth control pills. I take only the active ones. When those run out I get more and keep taking them until Julia calls and tells me to stop. It probably won't be any more than 6 weeks of those because I only have 1 refill.
Then we wait. In the midst of birth control, more waiting. Julia will call with calendar dates, once she has them. She will order all of our meds and have them shipped to our house, then she will call to schedule an appointment for us to come down to learn how to take the meds.
We've had some really good talks lately about this journey. Joel keeps saying, "I have a lot of faith that this will work." I keep saying, "I'm scared, but it has to work, right?". Want to know what we're the most freaked out about? Setting up the shots, having to connect the needle to the syringe properly. Because remember last time? We broke one and rushed to the pharmacy to get a new one. We can't do that here. But I keep telling myself that even if we break one it's ok because my body responds well to these things so we will still get enough follicles just the right size for fertilization.
I haven't been on birth control for years. It's so weird, or should I say ironic, that the journey towards retrieval and implantation begins with this.
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Stories upon stories...
and I want to say thanks for sharing yours. Since we opened up and began to share our story even more than just on this blog, we've had many others share theirs, all filled with pain, but completed with bundles of joy...
It's so, well, amazing comes to mind. Tears of hope fall. My heart breaks for a pain I know all too well, but it rejoices in awe.
A son whose story takes 7 years, then him and his wife are blessed with 2 children.
Friends who struggled for over 2 years and now have little miracle M!
Two years, seven years, 4 years....
It's a blessing to hear and share in the miracles that abound.
So much pain, so much confusion, so much sorrow, so much hope.
It's the celebration of miracles coming to be!
It's a dream for us...one we're walking. One we're so so scared to imagine and hope for...
But we're trying.
It's so, well, amazing comes to mind. Tears of hope fall. My heart breaks for a pain I know all too well, but it rejoices in awe.
A son whose story takes 7 years, then him and his wife are blessed with 2 children.
Friends who struggled for over 2 years and now have little miracle M!
Two years, seven years, 4 years....
It's a blessing to hear and share in the miracles that abound.
So much pain, so much confusion, so much sorrow, so much hope.
It's the celebration of miracles coming to be!
It's a dream for us...one we're walking. One we're so so scared to imagine and hope for...
But we're trying.
January Flowers
It's been mighty cold here...in the minus temps for a couple of days now...brrrr.
But yesterday, in the mail, I received some "fun January flowers" from my dear sister Elizabeth!
And it brightened my day!
A big part of this journey is the ups and downs. Yesterday was an up day, made even more so by this mail. Thanks sister!
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Mail!
I LOVE getting mail. I love going to the post office every day to check the mail, always hoping for something "fun"! It's a highlight in my day, seriously. Joel often goes with me but he stands back while I insert the key, turn and hope. If we get a package he sits by while I open it. It's all sort of silly. But it's something I love.
Last week we went to the Post Office in the evening when he got back from Havre...yep, I waited til close to 6pm that day...it was hard to wait that long!
I was surprised when I looked in our mailbox, pulled out a stack of envelopes, mostly bills and ads, and there sitting at the bottom was a key to a bigger mailbox at the end of the hallway. When there is one of these keys in your box it means you have a package! I looked at it strangely...I wasn't expecting anything. Inside the package I pulled out was love from friends...
Sent in the form of chocolate, coffee and a sweet note, it brought tears to my eyes.
The package was full of more than that, it was full of support, cheer, and hope. All from our friends The Smiths from Lewiston, ID, dear friends from my college days...
The chocolate was Dove brand and had little notes inside the labels...
"Share a chocolate moment with a friend."
"Your smile lights up the room."
"Express yourself."
"Take a moment for yourself."
"Dare to dream."
We love coffee, chocolate and dear friends.
Thank you Smiths!
Thursday, January 12, 2012
And then came anger
I ovulated. And then I got angry. Angry because I'm scared. Angry because I'm sad and tired of over 4 years of this.
Angry because fear gripped me.
We simply are not normal. When a doctor tells us exactly when I will ovulate, we get sort of excited. But then we remember the past four years and we get sad.
The fear nearly paralyzes us. It grips us in ways it never has before.
We are taking a giant step by doing IVF. We've been hopeful, full of belief and joy filled as we dream and imagine.
But then came fear.
It brings me to tears. Despair creeps in. A giant "What if" looms.
We beg Jesus. We long for something we don't have, we want, we wait. And we shake with fear.
What if?
It all makes me angry. For the first time in months I again ask "why?".
Soon, I will find my way back to hope. For this moment, I cry out.
Angry because fear gripped me.
We simply are not normal. When a doctor tells us exactly when I will ovulate, we get sort of excited. But then we remember the past four years and we get sad.
The fear nearly paralyzes us. It grips us in ways it never has before.
We are taking a giant step by doing IVF. We've been hopeful, full of belief and joy filled as we dream and imagine.
But then came fear.
It brings me to tears. Despair creeps in. A giant "What if" looms.
We beg Jesus. We long for something we don't have, we want, we wait. And we shake with fear.
What if?
It all makes me angry. For the first time in months I again ask "why?".
Soon, I will find my way back to hope. For this moment, I cry out.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Abraham & Sarah
Joel and I help lead Funday Monday School at church in Big Sandy. It's what they have instead of Sunday school. We are using One Room School House curriculum because it is for an array of ages and we've been learning about Abraham.
During advent we focused on that church season. So, yesterday was our first day back to Abraham.
This week was about the birth of Isaac and Sarah's waiting.
As we were preparing the lesson, which is very lined out for us, I hit a low. I didn't even want to go. How do you teach a lesson to 3-6th graders on something so personal to you? How do I teach it without talking about our journey?
I was pretty sad.
We used an object lesson: I placed an ice cube in a bowl and set it in the center of the table. I pulled out a bag of candy and told the kids it was for them. BUT they couldn't have it until the ice cube melted. They were not allowed to move the ice cube or touch it...those were some pretty frustrated and bummed out kids!
Immediately they started blowing on it...that was allowed. But as soon as they tried to move it and throw salt on it, I had to move it out of reach!
After many minutes and after what felt like forever to them, with just 10 minutes left before it was time to go home, it finally melted.
And I disbursed the candy! Their faces lit up, they were joy filled. They all got an equal number of pieces. They traded candy flavors to make themselves even happier.
Then I got inspired, using my own story to ask them these questions:
What if I had promised you the candy, but then decided not to give it to you once the ice cube was melted?
What if you would have been given only 1 piece of candy each from the bag, instead of the entire bag equally divided?
What if I had told you, once the ice cube was melted, that actually you would have to wait til next week, or even next month, for the the candy, instead of getting it right that moment?
It made them think. It made me think. We talked.
It was good.
I cling to the promise that God gave Abraham and Sarah.
I cling to the promise we have in Jesus. I cling to hope.
I want the same ending, with a different age of course, but after years of waiting and longing, I want the same ending as Sarah and Abraham.
During advent we focused on that church season. So, yesterday was our first day back to Abraham.
This week was about the birth of Isaac and Sarah's waiting.
As we were preparing the lesson, which is very lined out for us, I hit a low. I didn't even want to go. How do you teach a lesson to 3-6th graders on something so personal to you? How do I teach it without talking about our journey?
I was pretty sad.
We used an object lesson: I placed an ice cube in a bowl and set it in the center of the table. I pulled out a bag of candy and told the kids it was for them. BUT they couldn't have it until the ice cube melted. They were not allowed to move the ice cube or touch it...those were some pretty frustrated and bummed out kids!
Immediately they started blowing on it...that was allowed. But as soon as they tried to move it and throw salt on it, I had to move it out of reach!
After many minutes and after what felt like forever to them, with just 10 minutes left before it was time to go home, it finally melted.
And I disbursed the candy! Their faces lit up, they were joy filled. They all got an equal number of pieces. They traded candy flavors to make themselves even happier.
Then I got inspired, using my own story to ask them these questions:
What if I had promised you the candy, but then decided not to give it to you once the ice cube was melted?
What if you would have been given only 1 piece of candy each from the bag, instead of the entire bag equally divided?
What if I had told you, once the ice cube was melted, that actually you would have to wait til next week, or even next month, for the the candy, instead of getting it right that moment?
It made them think. It made me think. We talked.
It was good.
I cling to the promise that God gave Abraham and Sarah.
I cling to the promise we have in Jesus. I cling to hope.
I want the same ending, with a different age of course, but after years of waiting and longing, I want the same ending as Sarah and Abraham.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
The Journey
The appointment Friday could not have gone better. How to put it all into words, I am not sure. But I'll try.
The journey has begun, or rather continues, in one giant way.
We kept telling ourselves it was a day that was "not a big deal". Then we allowed ourselves to realize that yes, it was a very big deal. I guess I was waiting for some dates on my calendar for it to seem more real.
The morning was strange.
Joel wanted to shop. I wanted to make sure we remembered where the doctor office was, and focus on the appointment. Both were actually good ideas. We had time to shop. Then time to focus. The problem came when I wanted to focus, and Joel wanted to keep shopping! That's the beauty of this journey, each one of us has to deal with it in our own way.
We went to lunch and focused, then made a stop at an adorable kids shop in downtown Bozeman!
Appointment time...
We arrived 20 minutes early. They were closed for lunch but our doctor's nurse, Julia, came out to greet us.
Once we were back in the room Julia explained what all they would be doing and we talked about when exactly we wanted to do IVF...March? May? Summer? "You can do it whenever works for you," she said.
March.
The plan for the appointment was as follows:
Several tests on me- Looking at my uterus and ovaries (they were looking for a healthy uterus and placement of ovaries, both passed with flying colors!), a trial retrieval and transfer, follicle counting and measuring...
It was intense. On the screen we saw my ovaries, we saw the 20 follicles that are there this cycle, 11 on the right, 9 on the left. We saw exactly where they plan to place the embryos.
It was fascinating...and so so amazing.
To think, the doctor knows the exact teeny tiny place in my uterus that is best for embryos.
One comment the doctor made was "you guys are truly truly unexplained."
The tests showed her that I am very healthy. She had time to review Joel's records from Mayo...again, very healthy.
It's weird. We're a mystery.
One other thing she told us, by measuring the follicles this cycle, was exactly when I would ovulate this month. It's not every day that people find that exactness out...
So, once again, I'm asking God for a miracle. This time, I don't know for sure if He will do it...I mean, we've been trying for over 4 years, so why this month?
The last round of IVF 2 of our doctor's patients got pregnant right before they started...so it does happen.
My prayer has been, "God if it's your will, give us a miracle this month, if IVF is your will, provide for us, give us the strength and wisdom to walk that journey."
It's a continuation in our journey and we are ready for IVF.
The next steps are sort of confusing...so I will share more as they become more clear...
One thing I do know, when my next cycle starts I have a prescription for the birth control pill that starts out IVF (it works to suppress the brain and uterus area, then it's like a blast of hormones that comes later to gear my body up for success!).
On Day 1 I call to let them know I am starting the prescription, and Julia will order all of the meds we will need. They will arrive in a big box on our doorstep. Then we will load ourselves and the meds in the car and go to Bozeman for med training and an IVF calendar.
At the end of the appointment Dr. Shomento said, "you haven't been squeaking very much, you can squeak more, call anytime, every day if you want, we'll answer your questions." That's awesomeness.
The journey has begun, or rather continues, in one giant way.
We kept telling ourselves it was a day that was "not a big deal". Then we allowed ourselves to realize that yes, it was a very big deal. I guess I was waiting for some dates on my calendar for it to seem more real.
The morning was strange.
Joel wanted to shop. I wanted to make sure we remembered where the doctor office was, and focus on the appointment. Both were actually good ideas. We had time to shop. Then time to focus. The problem came when I wanted to focus, and Joel wanted to keep shopping! That's the beauty of this journey, each one of us has to deal with it in our own way.
We went to lunch and focused, then made a stop at an adorable kids shop in downtown Bozeman!
Appointment time...
We arrived 20 minutes early. They were closed for lunch but our doctor's nurse, Julia, came out to greet us.
Once we were back in the room Julia explained what all they would be doing and we talked about when exactly we wanted to do IVF...March? May? Summer? "You can do it whenever works for you," she said.
March.
The plan for the appointment was as follows:
Several tests on me- Looking at my uterus and ovaries (they were looking for a healthy uterus and placement of ovaries, both passed with flying colors!), a trial retrieval and transfer, follicle counting and measuring...
It was intense. On the screen we saw my ovaries, we saw the 20 follicles that are there this cycle, 11 on the right, 9 on the left. We saw exactly where they plan to place the embryos.
It was fascinating...and so so amazing.
To think, the doctor knows the exact teeny tiny place in my uterus that is best for embryos.
One comment the doctor made was "you guys are truly truly unexplained."
The tests showed her that I am very healthy. She had time to review Joel's records from Mayo...again, very healthy.
It's weird. We're a mystery.
One other thing she told us, by measuring the follicles this cycle, was exactly when I would ovulate this month. It's not every day that people find that exactness out...
So, once again, I'm asking God for a miracle. This time, I don't know for sure if He will do it...I mean, we've been trying for over 4 years, so why this month?
The last round of IVF 2 of our doctor's patients got pregnant right before they started...so it does happen.
My prayer has been, "God if it's your will, give us a miracle this month, if IVF is your will, provide for us, give us the strength and wisdom to walk that journey."
It's a continuation in our journey and we are ready for IVF.
The next steps are sort of confusing...so I will share more as they become more clear...
One thing I do know, when my next cycle starts I have a prescription for the birth control pill that starts out IVF (it works to suppress the brain and uterus area, then it's like a blast of hormones that comes later to gear my body up for success!).
On Day 1 I call to let them know I am starting the prescription, and Julia will order all of the meds we will need. They will arrive in a big box on our doorstep. Then we will load ourselves and the meds in the car and go to Bozeman for med training and an IVF calendar.
At the end of the appointment Dr. Shomento said, "you haven't been squeaking very much, you can squeak more, call anytime, every day if you want, we'll answer your questions." That's awesomeness.
Amazon
For 3 weeks now amazon.com has been sending me emails about baby promotions...buy today and save 50% on strollers, 2 days only an extra %15 percent off baby products, don't miss this exciting opportunity for free shipping on baby products.
Uh...I've never searched for anything baby on their website.
I've never indicated that I need anything baby.
It's weird. Could it be that Amazon knows more about me than I ever thought possible? Probably. And that's sort of scary. But really, how could they know about IVF and our hope for a baby?
I mean, come on. Searching for the movie Adjustment Bureau or different Ipod/Mac items does not mean that I want a baby or anything baby related.
It's, well, weird to me! I have yet to click on any of the links in the emails or read beyond the giant "click on me" font...afterall, I don't want them getting their hopes too high!
Uh...I've never searched for anything baby on their website.
I've never indicated that I need anything baby.
It's weird. Could it be that Amazon knows more about me than I ever thought possible? Probably. And that's sort of scary. But really, how could they know about IVF and our hope for a baby?
I mean, come on. Searching for the movie Adjustment Bureau or different Ipod/Mac items does not mean that I want a baby or anything baby related.
It's, well, weird to me! I have yet to click on any of the links in the emails or read beyond the giant "click on me" font...afterall, I don't want them getting their hopes too high!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
On the road again
I'm supposed to be packing right now. Joel is on his way to Havre to email the bulletin to the organist (long story) and do a visit. Then we're on the road...AGAIN. Our house hasn't recovered from the dumping of luggage after the last trip! This one is only one night though. We have a four hour drive ahead of us so rather than go early in the morning we're leaving soon. Being there the night before the appointment helps keep nerves at bay.
No snow...not yet anyways...should be good traveling both days. Well except for the up to 60 mile an hour wind gusts.
We're overwhelmed, scared, tense, nervous, anxious, joyful...it's all rolling around inside of us, mixed together. Tomorrow should be smooth sailing. And we're hoping to fill our calendar with dates, lots and lots of them. Dates for shots, pills, lab work, retrieval, implantation, and on and on. We can't wait!
It sort of feels like this is the moment we've been waiting for. It's all been leading up to this...
In other words, this is all very surreal.
We're reminding ourselves, often, to take deep breaths, we can and we will walk this journey, every step, with lots o' help...from the doctors, nurses, each other, you, the treadmill (for those hormone rage filled moments) and mostly our loving Jesus.
Bring it on. We're ready. We're emotional. We're stepping. We're praying. We're hoping. Please Jesus.
No snow...not yet anyways...should be good traveling both days. Well except for the up to 60 mile an hour wind gusts.
We're overwhelmed, scared, tense, nervous, anxious, joyful...it's all rolling around inside of us, mixed together. Tomorrow should be smooth sailing. And we're hoping to fill our calendar with dates, lots and lots of them. Dates for shots, pills, lab work, retrieval, implantation, and on and on. We can't wait!
It sort of feels like this is the moment we've been waiting for. It's all been leading up to this...
In other words, this is all very surreal.
We're reminding ourselves, often, to take deep breaths, we can and we will walk this journey, every step, with lots o' help...from the doctors, nurses, each other, you, the treadmill (for those hormone rage filled moments) and mostly our loving Jesus.
Bring it on. We're ready. We're emotional. We're stepping. We're praying. We're hoping. Please Jesus.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Miracles...
You may have picked up on this before, but during the course of this journey we've had many lows where we felt abandoned by God.
The scariest part of IVF is wondering, is He still there?
We know, without a doubt He is. But sometimes we still get scared.
A couple of weeks ago I was praying about a need we had, and at the end of my prayer I said something like, "oh what's the point, why would He help us with that?"
But you know what? A couple of days later He did, beyond my expectations. That was a miracle to me.
I felt Him reminding me that He is there, He can do miracles and He will do miracles. It was like a breath of fresh air. The sea kind...refreshing, invigorating, and filled to the brim with His presence.
Then, this one is sort of silly, but over Christmas break Joel got the stomach flu. First the Luitens had it a couple of weeks before, then Jim got it and was recovering, then it was Joel's turn. I never got it. I prayed really hard...and I remember thinking how silly I was to pray because of course I would get it, it's the stomach flu, everyone who gets exposed gets it! But not me. And not Blazer!
I felt the same thing, that maybe, just maybe, God was trying to remind me that He is there. And if it took him answering that silly little prayer, He would do that.
With that said, I'm getting less and less paranoid that I will get it!
It's really scary, embarking on this IVF journey. But every time I get scared I think to myself, this has to work, He's there, He's with us. I want so badly for it to work, it's the cry of my heart.
It is much less daunting going into it with a renewed sense of His presence and his miracle making awesomeness.
We seek him, wholeheartedly for more miracles, for life created, for a love fulfilled.
The scariest part of IVF is wondering, is He still there?
We know, without a doubt He is. But sometimes we still get scared.
A couple of weeks ago I was praying about a need we had, and at the end of my prayer I said something like, "oh what's the point, why would He help us with that?"
But you know what? A couple of days later He did, beyond my expectations. That was a miracle to me.
I felt Him reminding me that He is there, He can do miracles and He will do miracles. It was like a breath of fresh air. The sea kind...refreshing, invigorating, and filled to the brim with His presence.
Then, this one is sort of silly, but over Christmas break Joel got the stomach flu. First the Luitens had it a couple of weeks before, then Jim got it and was recovering, then it was Joel's turn. I never got it. I prayed really hard...and I remember thinking how silly I was to pray because of course I would get it, it's the stomach flu, everyone who gets exposed gets it! But not me. And not Blazer!
I felt the same thing, that maybe, just maybe, God was trying to remind me that He is there. And if it took him answering that silly little prayer, He would do that.
With that said, I'm getting less and less paranoid that I will get it!
It's really scary, embarking on this IVF journey. But every time I get scared I think to myself, this has to work, He's there, He's with us. I want so badly for it to work, it's the cry of my heart.
It is much less daunting going into it with a renewed sense of His presence and his miracle making awesomeness.
We seek him, wholeheartedly for more miracles, for life created, for a love fulfilled.
Jan. 6
Last Thursday was Day 1...ok that might be TMI (too much information) but hey that's what this blog it all about! We always wait for Day 1's...when we're not doing fertility treatments they can be devastating, but when a treatment looms, they are just what we've been waiting for...
I called the doctor that afternoon. I had to leave a message on her nurse's voicemail. Of course, because I've said it before, this made me nervous. I always think the worst...like they won't remember me or it won't be as easy as I was expecting. Within 2 hours Jackie called me back. When we were down there in October for our appointment Jackie came in briefly to meet us, so we would know who we were talking to if we needed questions answered and the doctor was not available. Jackie was so kind.
What I found out, that I did not realize, was that our preliminary IVF cycle visit had to be done on either day 6-9 of my cycle. Whew, it's probably a blessing that I didn't know that stipulation prior to calling, it would have given me one more thing to fret over!
It just so happens that day 9 falls on Jan. 6, Friday, Joel's day off, no preschool day...timing, I love it.
At 1pm we will have our appointment. They will run infectious disease tests, do a trial retrieval to make sure that when it comes time to retrieve eggs from me everything goes smoothly, we'll go over and sign consent forms...and probably a lot more that I cannot remember.
It's one of those journeys where you simply cannot take in every detail until you live it. And even then, well, we'll probably have a lot of processing to do.
As we were driving from Helena to Great Falls and then on to Big Sandy yesterday, back from a trip to visit Joel's family and some friends, we were slightly overwhelmed that we have to go back down the same road on Thursday...but we'll put on our rock star hats and go for it, over the mountains and through the woods!
I'm sure Friday morning will be one of those silent because we're both very nervous mornings. We might even cry at the appointment, or be overwhelmed beyond knowing how to handle ourselves. But we know we will have the strength to take every step and to make every decision, one because Jesus will be carrying us, no doubt, and two because kindness will oozes over us and flow freely.
We will feel safe and we will let joy enter in, triumphing over fear. We can do this. We are about to do this. Terrifying joy fills us.
It's a journey we couldn't be more ready for. Bring it!
I called the doctor that afternoon. I had to leave a message on her nurse's voicemail. Of course, because I've said it before, this made me nervous. I always think the worst...like they won't remember me or it won't be as easy as I was expecting. Within 2 hours Jackie called me back. When we were down there in October for our appointment Jackie came in briefly to meet us, so we would know who we were talking to if we needed questions answered and the doctor was not available. Jackie was so kind.
What I found out, that I did not realize, was that our preliminary IVF cycle visit had to be done on either day 6-9 of my cycle. Whew, it's probably a blessing that I didn't know that stipulation prior to calling, it would have given me one more thing to fret over!
It just so happens that day 9 falls on Jan. 6, Friday, Joel's day off, no preschool day...timing, I love it.
At 1pm we will have our appointment. They will run infectious disease tests, do a trial retrieval to make sure that when it comes time to retrieve eggs from me everything goes smoothly, we'll go over and sign consent forms...and probably a lot more that I cannot remember.
It's one of those journeys where you simply cannot take in every detail until you live it. And even then, well, we'll probably have a lot of processing to do.
As we were driving from Helena to Great Falls and then on to Big Sandy yesterday, back from a trip to visit Joel's family and some friends, we were slightly overwhelmed that we have to go back down the same road on Thursday...but we'll put on our rock star hats and go for it, over the mountains and through the woods!
I'm sure Friday morning will be one of those silent because we're both very nervous mornings. We might even cry at the appointment, or be overwhelmed beyond knowing how to handle ourselves. But we know we will have the strength to take every step and to make every decision, one because Jesus will be carrying us, no doubt, and two because kindness will oozes over us and flow freely.
We will feel safe and we will let joy enter in, triumphing over fear. We can do this. We are about to do this. Terrifying joy fills us.
It's a journey we couldn't be more ready for. Bring it!
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