And then came anger

I ovulated. And then I got angry. Angry because I'm scared. Angry because I'm sad and tired of over 4 years of this.

Angry because fear gripped me.

We simply are not normal. When a doctor tells us exactly when I will ovulate, we get sort of excited. But then we remember the past four years and we get sad.

The fear nearly paralyzes us. It grips us in ways it never has before.

We are taking a giant step by doing IVF. We've been hopeful, full of belief and joy filled as we dream and imagine.

But then came fear.

It brings me to tears. Despair creeps in. A giant "What if" looms.

We beg Jesus. We long for something we don't have, we want, we wait. And we shake with fear.

What if?

It all makes me angry. For the first time in months I again ask "why?".

Soon, I will find my way back to hope. For this moment, I cry out.