The test...and now we wait...

Tuesday I did a pregnancy test. It was negative. Of course. I didn't really have much of a reaction. I think I expected it. But it makes me so darn frustrated. I know no one has the answers, so I shouldn't ask why, why, why? But I wonder that a lot. It's rolling around in my head. I don't really know how to make this pain go away. I wonder, what if we have to live with it forever? I don't know how to make it go away. It has it's bad days and it's ok days, but it's oh so hard. Wednesday we filled my prescription for birth control. Thursday, today, I called Julia, our doctor's nurse. I was pretty confused about what happens next. Except I knew that yet another day 1 was upon us. Friday we drink coffee and have a day of play, including going to a basketball game...my undergrad alma mater is playing MSU Northern in Havre, exciting! And Saturday I start the birth control pills. I take only the active ones. When those run out I get more and keep taking them until Julia calls and tells me to stop. It probably won't be any more than 6 weeks of those because I only have 1 refill. Then we wait. In the midst of birth control, more waiting. Julia will call with calendar dates, once she has them. She will order all of our meds and have them shipped to our house, then she will call to schedule an appointment for us to come down to learn how to take the meds. We've had some really good talks lately about this journey. Joel keeps saying, "I have a lot of faith that this will work." I keep saying, "I'm scared, but it has to work, right?". Want to know what we're the most freaked out about? Setting up the shots, having to connect the needle to the syringe properly. Because remember last time? We broke one and rushed to the pharmacy to get a new one. We can't do that here. But I keep telling myself that even if we break one it's ok because my body responds well to these things so we will still get enough follicles just the right size for fertilization. I haven't been on birth control for years. It's so weird, or should I say ironic, that the journey towards retrieval and implantation begins with this.