Hello!

It's been a long time since I wrote...

To be honest, I haven't wanted to write.  I've been scared.

You see, I could share my heart as we struggled on the journey to parenthood...I knew that pain so well.  But what I was scared to admit is how hard being a parent is...

Hannah and Harper are a year old now!

Whew!

Being a parent is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

There, I said it.  I admitted it.  And now I feel, well, like crying...

It's so hard.  And I don't feel like I should say that because so many people, so many friends, are still waiting for their miracles...not a day goes by that I don't think about them and pray for them.

And I love being a mom!  I love it.  But it's hard! 

It's wonderful too.  It's so challenging.  It's so exciting and awe filled...

They turned one, we all survived!  We celebrated with two pink whale themed parties! 

We're on to Christmas which I have no idea how to do with two one year olds in the house...that would be the little sweeties that stand at the base of the Christmas tree screaming because they want the 10 ornaments that we've manged to find and hang up high...the soft lower ornaments are now strewn throughout the house!  The other ornaments are nestled somewhere in a box, ha!  I still have no idea if we'll get around to finding and hanging those...

But hey, the stockings are up!  And the house is a disaster and the laundry is piled up and the babies are sleeping!  Which is why I'm writing.  Instead of cleaning...

Well, I spoke too soon, I hear Hannah!  Better go for now!

8 months!

We made it to 8 months! 

Harper and Hannah are 8 months old and the parents are surviving!

It was questionable at times, ha!  Sleep deprived times that is...

Wow...

We've been tired.  We've been so tired.  We've cried and laughed.  We've been freaked out and filled with joy.  We've been scared and confused...

We've be in awe at milestones and two little personalities that are so different...

This is hard.  This is wonderful.

I'm still nursing Haper, Hannah still loves her bottle.  I still wonder how it happened that only one nurses...then I remember we had no choice in switching Hannah to the bottle.

We have one tooth in and all the other ones to go...we have one who likes baby food one who hates it.  We have one who will eat things like pieces of banana and avacado and one who won't...

We have piles of laundry that never really seem to make it back into the drawers before being washed and worn again...we have the task of trying not to be too hard on ourselves about this never ending, um...problem!

We question if we're doing things right or wrong.  We wonder what type of parents we will be.  We wonder if we're messing them up because we're just too darn tired to add another non-milk feeding...we wonder if we're doing something wrong because Harper still gets up at night.  We rejoice because Hannah sleeps all night!


We marvel at getting to know them.  We laugh when they fight over a toy, we chuckle with they play together, our hearts melt when they laugh with each other...

We have a feisty one and a content one.  

We have one in physical therapy and one who goes with her sister to physical therapy and is so good as she looks on.

We have a mama who is trying to teach them how to crawl all the while wondering if that is something taught or they just figure it out...I'm also trying to teach them to say "mama"!

We've recently learned that Hannah loves it when Daddy beat boxes and if he throws a rap it it's even better...

Her laughter, and Harper's too, fills our hearts with joy, what a gift!

Just last week we learned that they don't really like eating in camp dining halls...being in the dining hall was fine, trying to eat...not so much.   

We know we have one baby who doesn't mind traveling and new places and we have one who takes days to adjust to new places. 

We try not to dwell on the moments we missed with a camera and be content with just living the moments...

We wonder what the next few months will be like, we wonder how to wean babies from both nursing and the bottle... 

We wonder as we wander through this journey of parenthood!  The ups, the downs.  The ins, the outs.  What a ride!

I'm already planning their first birthday party, yep!

Round 2 of Helmet therapy...

July 2nd Hannah outgrew her helmet.  The helmet guys said she was looking really good...

Improved greatly but not completely...

So, here we go again.  Her head specialist was out of town that week, we were out of town the week after that (at camp!) so we had to wait til the 15th to find out if she needed another helmet or not.

Going in to the appointment Joel and I were pretty sure she would need one...

What a decision to make...the helmet guys told us it would be up to us as her parents and the doctor.

Um, do we leave her head the shape it is and in a few years have her hate us for it or do we pay for another round of treatment...?

Well, in the end it really wasn't up to us...the doctor said if it was ok with us he would like to continue treatment.  He said at 8 months old we still have time to help her more...

Then, get this...he said that Harper also has slight bossing on her left side...Hannah's is on her right side.  He said Harper's isn't a problem and doesn't need treated but he said both of these problems are because of how they grew inside of me.

Wednesday the 24th she gets fitted for her new helmet...goodbye purple butterflies (the design on the outside of the last one), hello sweet hearts...

The dreaded thing is that now we have to get her used to it all over again....

Time for me to get lots of helmet free snuggles in before next Wednesday...

Here we go again.

Ramblings

I have so many thoughts running through my head...

Do I blog about how we are doing?

Do I blog about babies?

Do I blog about infertility brain?

Do I blog about baby schedules, or lack thereof?  

Do I blog about...well, I did it again...

Yesterday while driving the girls and I to Havre for a barbecue I wrote a blog post in my head.  And now?  Well, I've completely forgotten it!  Ha!

I've felt overwhelmed lately...like really overwhelmed.  I don't have time to clean my house and take care of my sweet twinsies at the same time!  I should post pictures of what our living room looked like yesterday, but I won't!  Let's just say hurricane baby happened, in a major way!!

The past week has been the perfect storm of traveling home from Alaska, adjusting back to Montana time (2 hour difference), and 6 month vaccines...

Oh and I haven't even told you about the 6 month vaccines...Harper was accidentally given a double dose of one of them...my heart stopped when they told me this happened.  I walked in shock for the next two hours...but we were assured she would be just fine...

But still, for the past week we've been dealing with mild vaccine reaction...a Harper who isn't sleeping well, fevers, fussiness...

And a mommy who feels like a complete failure because my babies are not on a set nap schedule...nope.  And I'm probably crazy because they aren't.  But you know what?  I have no clue how to establish that!  Currently they are both napping at the same time...hooray!  Hooray!

They both take morning and afternoon naps (just sometimes at different times), they both go to bed at pretty much the same time...but I live by knowing when they need a nap, I can always tell, and giving them one at that time rather than a set time.  I tell myself that eventually, by the time they are 1, they will be taking naps at the same time, ha!

But for now, we are surviving!  They turned 7 months old on Monday and we are surviving!  All four of us!  And both sleeping right now! 

That's enough for today.

Tomorrow will bring, well, heck, it could bring all sorts of things...spit up and baby food and tears (by both mommy and babies) and snuggles and giggles, and maybe even crawling...who knows!

And on Friday Grandma and Grandpa Skindlov arrive for a few days of rescue and help and baby snuggles!

Sippy cups!

Harper & Hannah had their 6 month check-ups on Wednesday!

We get to start them on sippy cups!

Um, how did that happen?

They sit in high chairs, they eat baby food, they roll all around the living room, Harper can sit up and now sippy cups with water...

It's pretty cute!  They mostly just like to play with the cups.  And I'm not sure Hannah has gotten any water out of hers yet, but Harper has a couple of times, with a little assistance...

It's adorable! 

Harper now weighs 15lbs and 1 0z, Hannah 14lbs and 1 oz.  They are remaining steady at the one pound difference...

They both received pretty good reports...

Hannah, our little smiley, happy, fighter...has to have her head re-measured in a month because it seems it grew a tad too much in the past couple of months...

Our little sweets are growing so fast...their needs are always changing, their parents are always tired...but oh the joy they bring!  Maybe not at 3 am but hey Hannah continues to sleep through the night.  Every night.  For months now!  It's the little things!

As if...

As if we needed one more thing...

Yesterday at an 8am physical therapy appointment we were given a torticolis collar for Hannah.

A what?  A torture device?  Yep.

Not really.  I made that up!  But it looks like one and it feels like one to my  mommy heart.   It's awful.  If you see her in the next few weeks, you will see just how awful it is. 

It's made up of surgical tubing and fastens with velcro, it has two plastic pieces that prop her neck up...In the medical sense it is not really awful, and I know it is a necessity and will help her so much...

When we put it on she screams, mommy cries, daddy says we can just wait, mommy agrees...

Ok, that's in our weakness...today, she wlll wear it.  My only saving grace is that when her therapist put it on yesterday and held her with it she did great, she relaxed into it and no tears...when it came off and it was my time to put it on, my first time, doing something I had no idea how to do, to my baby, it was terrible...she cried and I thought to myself how awful it was...

After a couple tries, I got it on correctly but then I was able to take it off...

She can't wear it in the carseat or while sleeping...but other than that she should have it on...

Our therapist warned us not to take it off every time she cries...she'll learn fast that tears mean we act!  Our therapist is so kind and knows how hard it is for us...she also knows how much it will help her, every minute, every hour that she can have it on counts.

So today is a new day.  Today we try, through all the tears, to get her to wear it for a few hours. 

The big red wagon

We took the leap from a 5 passenger subaru that we loved to a 7 passenger mini van that we also love...

We were sad to say goodbye to the subaru though. 

But it had to be.  It had to be. 

We travel a lot.  I mean, a lot.  We go to visit family and friends in Idaho and Washington, we take the girls to Doctor appointments in Great Falls 77 miles away often, we go to Havre, Bozeman, Missoula, Billings...we go a lot of places.

Which means we spend a lot of time in our car.  And every time we packed up the subaru or I climbed into the back of it to tend to the girls, my anxiety rose, higher and higher.  It wasn't worth it. 

So, we searched high and low for a used, new to us, mini van...

And we found one!  A 2008 chrysler town and country from Dave Smith in Kellogg. 

And it's red!  Our friend nick named it the big red wagon. 

The big red wagon (pic taken in Pierce, ID)

hannah the helmet girl...

That's her super hero name! (thanks for the idea Lindsay!).

She's had it for one week and 2 days...

She's our helmet girl...our physical therapy girl...our acid reflux girl...

Poor girl...she's a fighter though.

She sleeps in the helmet, plays in it, eats in it, laughs in it and cries in it...

She cries a lot in it.  She no longer likes her car seat, we think it's because of the helmet.  She used to cry mainly when she was hungry or tired...now she cries more...

And it breaks this momma's heart.  Joel is much stronger with all of this...he'll put it back on her when I don't think I can. 

The helmet is light purple and covered in butterflies, it's really cute.  It squeezes her little cheeks and makes her sweaty and stinky...she wears it 23 hours a day, 7 days a week.  We are allowed to take it off during the day to clean it and let it air out, both the helmet and her head.  I really like that part, because even if it's only for 15 minutes I love her smile when it comes off...

For the most part she does great with it...she is so strong and resilient...I'm so proud of her!

The helmet therapy is because she has plagiocephaly...she also has torticollis of the neck...she started physical therapy for that yesterday...and it exhausted us all...

It turns out her neck problem, which she has had since birth, is worse than we thought...it turns out that some of the movements she has been doing, that we thought were cute and just how Hannah did things, need to be corrected...

We have a long road ahead of us, but I am oh so thankful for the doctors, physical therapist, and certified orthontist who can help her.  We're on the right track!  She's going to get all better...even though she sometimes screams when I stretch her at home! 

A helmet, a bunny and a sweet little girl!

Blessed

Ok, to be upfront, I started this post last week, on Thursday...here I am almost a week later finishing it, here goes:

My world was rocked this time last year...

My husband and I had just found out we were pregnant after a round of IVF fertility treatments...we waited over 5 years for news such as this...

And I was scared.  What if something went wrong and our happy news became sad?

Five weeks later we found out we were having twins...a few weeks after that, girls...and after a pregnancy filled with ups and downs I gave birth on November 17th, at 36 weeks, to two beautiful twin girls...

My life hasn't been the same since.

I've been in awe.  I've been stressed.

I've been reflecting on my recent life changes lately because, here goes my confession, in the weeks since I've lost sight of the blessings in my life...

Don't get me wrong, I look into their eyes every day, I bask in the joy.  But somewhere along the road of the past few months, in the throes of stress and just trying to survive, I lost sight...

But, my blessings are abundant.

I have the opportunity this week, as part of the online bible study I'm participating in, to share a blog post related to the study.  One idea for post is to list 5 things God has blessed me with, and then 5 more and 5 more...for this post, I'll keep it to 5...

1. I am blessed with peace.  I had the most peaceful day...my babies had their 4 month vaccines yesterday...today they had fevers, cried most the day and just wanted to snuggle.  And there are two of them!  Two!  And one mama!  And a Daddy who worked most of the day...but I chose peace, I chose to love the snuggles...

2. I am blessed to now know the joy of motherhood after knowing the pain of infertility.  Most days there are not even words to describe it.

3. I am blessed with a husband who supports me, loves me and our daughters and works hard for us.

4. I am blessed by family, both mine and my husbands...we are so rich with the love of family...we have brothers and sisters that I consider my best friends, there are parents, cousins, grandparents, aunts, uncles...so much blessing!

5. I'm blessed with near and dear to me friendships!

This has been a great exercise and a daily reminder...Our God has blessed us beyond anything I could ever imagine.  What a road we are on!  What a ride!  I am oh so thankful for His presence in our journey, His ordered steps and that above all...He writes our story!

Traveling

Last Tuesday, April 2 we traveled to Chico Hot Springs outside of Livingston, MT for a Montana Synod Pastor's Conference...

Families welcome!

We loaded up the Subaru, which seems to get smaller every time we take a trip...and off we went, the four of us!

I was so ready.  I needed a break.  I needed to get out...

We needed to be together as a family. 

Renewal, nice weather, friends, hot springs, mountains, worship, food, rest, speakers (for Joel, the girls and I didn't attend that part), laughter...

All awaited us.  And it was glorious!  I loved it. 

On Thursday night our seminary friends offered to watch the girls so we could enjoy the hot springs and they were amazing.  It looked like a pool but the water was from a natural hot springs...

We met new friends, reconnected with old friends...Hannah and Harper met a lot of people for the first time, and despite Harper not wanting to sleep in the play and pack, they both did super!

We've already booked our room for next year!

I hadn't realized just how much I needed a break from our daily routine at home, til we were in the throes of time at this conference.  What a blessing that this yearly event is part of the synod activities for pastors.  It follows lent which is such a busy time for our family.

Following the conference we trekked to Spokane to celebrate the life of Joel's sweet Grandma Dot who passed away in February.  In the midst of sadness, we had such a blessed time with family, celebrating her memory!  We were able to see friends on this trip also...

Overall it was a breath of fresh air.  It was renewing!

Burdens

The laundry is strung throughout my house.

It's in multiple piles.

The dishwasher needs unloaded only so it can be loaded again. 

The floors need cleaned. 

The mail sorted.

Piles taken care of.

Garbage taken outside.

The bathroom needs cleaned.

Clutter needs sorted and tossed.

I like a clean house.  I know we all do, right?! 

I could barely keep up before babies, and now well, I just can't.

I'm really hard on myself and Joel when the house gets messy.  It's one of those things that really gets to me.  Like really bad.  It's the only thing I really yell about...

It's an unhealthy reaction...

But in my current state, mostly, I think because we've been gone for a week, I am feeling more calm...more free...more aware...more at peace.  Maybe because of the bible study I'm doing really has me reflecting on my life and my stress and the house is my biggest stress...

I love being a mom.  I love my little sweets...I love, love, love it!  I, to be honest, dream and imagine days when they are older and we can dance and play...every single day....

I also love when my life is in order.  My life is not even close to being in order.  Ha!  Today I am practicing letting go.  In the midst of the mess, I am taking a deep breath and letting go...at least partly.  Because it's for myself, my family...

At the end of the day if the dishes didn't get done...oh well.  Ok, honestly, I cringe at that.  But there are days I am so tired...

So, I have a goal...

Learn to live stressed-less...which in one area of my life means learning to let go.  Learning to do what I can each day and to know that is enough.  Learning that if some days or even most days, the only thing I get done is taking care of my sweet girls, that is enough. 

Getting on the treadmill for just 10 minutes, is enough, if that is all I can do.  Doing one load of laundry is enough if that is all I can do.

If someone wants to do the dishes for me though, that would be great, haha!

The bible study leader said to be thankful for laundry because it means my family has something to wear...

Amen.

A rare moment

It is silent at my house right now.

Joel is asleep on the couch.  Hannah and Harper both asleep in their ca rseats...they had 4 month vaccines today, fell asleep on the car ride home, and I am not disturbing them...

The only sounds I hear are the washing machine and the keys of the key board.

It's been months.  I actually can't remember the last time this happened...

Yep, that's my world. 

Crying twin daughters...or laughing, or cooing...the tv on...

Noise.

But guess what?

I'm doing an online Bible study called Stressed-Less Living and guess what?

I am actually doing it, in the midst of the silence!

Ah...

I seriously doubted this moment would come today.  It was sort of stressing me out.  Haha!  Wow, I'm basking.  So much of my life these days happens inside the walls of this house, and so much is well, stressful.  Don't get me wrong...the gift of Hannah Grace and Harper Joy is indescribable.  Every day I look at them and I see miracles.  But some days, no every day, I need a break, just a tiny 5 minutes, or 10!  And sometimes even bigger breaks are needed...that much needed break came this past week, more on that in another post. 

I am being renewed!  I will learn some stressed-less living...I already feel lighter.

This verse really spoke to me: 2 Samuel 22:7  In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God.  From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears.

Here's a great reminder, He listens.  I can cry out to him.  He is there, even when things get low, when things get hard...he is there.  He is always, say that word aloud, always, there.  How cool is that?  He can carry our burdens so we don't have too!

Oh, I hear the tiny cries of Harper...I'm off to feed and cuddle one of my sweet little girls!

One year ago!

One year ago today...

There we sat.  Joel, myself and Dr. Shomento. 

She was holding a sheet of paper that was filled with pictures of our sweet little embryos...

Wee little specks. 

A decision before us.  Transfer one or two.

One or two.  Hannah or Harper or both?

We chose both!  Two!  I remember Dr. Shomento was nervous about us having twins in Big Sandy.  But I also remember she was in full support of two!

You see, all along our journey, through the tears, the pain, the hurts, the lack of hope, I always imagined two. 

Twins. 

Why not?  We waited so long...

My arms went from empty to extra full in one giant leap of hope...one scary giant leap...one grace filled leap.  

We did it!  We transfered two!  Now my days are filled with two feisty, sweet, adorable miracles...

Living proof...miracles are happening!  Miracles abound...I change their diapers and feed them every day.  

A simple cup of coffee

Today my day is about a simple cup of coffee...

Well, let's be real...it's really about two babies...

And let's be real again...my every day is also about coffee!

Today, I'm trying to find the perfect morning cup...

I wish I were sitting on the deck in warmth and sunshine...I wish my cup was full of milk, peppermint mocha coffee creamer (which they now sell year round), and coffee...

That was my perfect cup yesterday...well, minus the deck scenario.  

But, I'm wondering if I need to give up the creamer...I'm wondering if it makes Harper spit up when nursing.

Nursing is hard.  But cleaning bottles is harder.  There are days, today being one of them, that I almost give up nursing...maybe both babies could just have a bottle.  Then I remember how hard it is to keep bottles clean.  And I ask myself, how would that make me feel?  Ok, sad.

But I'm in the throes of trying to figure out why all of a sudden Harper spits up more.  Is it something I'm eating?  Is it dairy?  It's emotionally draining...this is hard enough but now I have to give up the way I like my coffee?  What?!

Ugh!

So, today, I start my day trying to come up with the new perfect cup of coffee...good bye creamer, at least for now.  Even if this frustrates me, mucho...but I'll do it, or at least try...hello coffee with sugar, lots of sugar...

I made blueberry muffins to make the coffee search even more sweet!  I guess, because I like to celebrate things, I will celebrate finding a new sweet taste...

Because as long as we're being real...there is no way I can give up my morning coffee!  I'll just change how it tastes, for now.

Ramblings

It's been a while.

I've been awake since 7am.  The girls have been sleeping.  It finally occurred to me, I should be blogging!

I should tell you about our sweet Hannah...she has to go see a head specialist...she might have to wear a helmet.  Her doctor is pretty sure she will have to wear one.  Her parents are too.  They have a name for what is wrong with her, I can't remember the name.  But her head isn't forming correctly.  I'm just so thankful they can help her...

We have new acid reflux medicine for her...will our sweet girl ever get over this intense spitting up?  At least she doesn't seem to be in discomfort over it.

Harper continues to grow and be our smiley intense gazed thinker!

They do both bring us so much joy.  I mean my heart melts when they smile at me.  And they both smile a lot!

In other news...

I haven't even had the chance to tell you I no longer have a job.  Long story.

Yesterday our car broke down in Great Falls.  Talk about stress.  We managed to coast it to the car repair shop.  But then what?  Thankfully the high school basketball tournament is this week in Great falls...we called a guy from Big Sandy who picked us up, took the girls and I to him and his families hotel room, took Joel to watch basketball and a couple of hours later another family and Joel picked the girls and I up at the hotel and took us home...we were home by 8:30...

Long day.  Scary day.  Stressful day.  But so thankful we were rescued.  And for the most part the girls were champs through it all!

Coffee is calling.

Living a real surreal life

I've often blogged about how surreal Joel and I's life has been since we got married.

Moving to Minnesota, then North Dakota, then back to Minnesota before finding out we were headed to Montana...infertility and trips to Mayo and then finding Dr. Shomento, and finally getting pregnant and now we have two babies! 

My oh my.

Harper is awake now.  The two of them sleeping lasted about 15 minutes.  I will take what I can get.  During that time I poured another cup of coffee, ate breakfast and wrote one blog post!  I'm holding her now trying to figure out how to keep typing! 

I smell a diaper change.

Um, this post will have to be continued...

Actually, I will leave it up on my computer today in case I get a chance to finish it... 

I'm back (the next day actually).

Some days I feel lost in the depths of surrealness...Some days none of this feels real. Some days I despise the word surreal...

Let me explain.  Some days parenthood feels so surreal that it feels like I'm acting, it simply doesn't feel real.  And I don't like that.  When that happens I simply don't feel like a mom.  I don't feel connected to this new role we've longed for all these years.

And that makes me mad.

We often hear each other say things like, "we have twins", "there are little people in the back seat (of the car) that are ours", "we have these two little people we made"...

And on and on.

This is surreal people.  Infertility, pregnancy, and now twins, this is surreal.

Mommy and Daddy after so many years of longing...this is surreal.  

Last week another mom visited me and the girls.  Her oldest son, a first grader, is an IVF baby.  Her youngest two came along the unexpected (after infertility) natural way...3 miracles!  She brought me back to reality, she reminded me how extra special our girls are because of how they came to be...she reminded me of what miracles we have...she reminded me of our very real journey.  For as much as this feels surreal, it really is real.  Even when we don't believe it.  Even when we look at them and think, "are they really ours?"!  Side note: as we were talking it came up that her and her husband were married at Lutherhaven memorial day weekend in 1999...fun connection!

On goes our journey, written with now two miracles we call our daughters.  Wow!  It still makes us go wow!  They will be headed off to kindergarten and we will probably still be pinching each other asking ourselves, "is this really real?"!

Sleep

Daddy just left for work for the day and both Harper and Hannah are sleeping:

Isn't that beautiful?!

I've gotten into a bad habit lately...I write blog posts in my head because I don't have a chance to sit down at the computer...and then I forget them later.  It's seriously annoying to me.

Did any of you watch last night's episode of HIMYM?  I cried with Lilly at the end...not because I feel like she does, wanting to pack my bags and leave during the night because I don't always like being a mother, but because she just wants to do art.  I just want to write.  It's one of the things I miss the most...

I love my new full time job.  I love it.  It is not always easy.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Some days I celebrate just surviving.  Some days I cry because I'm so tired.  Some days I have no idea how the three of us will make it through the day without an extra set of adult hands to help mommy out...

And every day I wonder how I am supposed to go back to work next week.  Hmmm...

Life is such a new kind of adventure.  It's so...hard, fun, frustrating, adorable...

Here's to hoping they sleep for maybe another hour, now that would be an unexpected start to our day without daddy!