Burdens

The laundry is strung throughout my house.

It's in multiple piles.

The dishwasher needs unloaded only so it can be loaded again. 

The floors need cleaned. 

The mail sorted.

Piles taken care of.

Garbage taken outside.

The bathroom needs cleaned.

Clutter needs sorted and tossed.

I like a clean house.  I know we all do, right?! 

I could barely keep up before babies, and now well, I just can't.

I'm really hard on myself and Joel when the house gets messy.  It's one of those things that really gets to me.  Like really bad.  It's the only thing I really yell about...

It's an unhealthy reaction...

But in my current state, mostly, I think because we've been gone for a week, I am feeling more calm...more free...more aware...more at peace.  Maybe because of the bible study I'm doing really has me reflecting on my life and my stress and the house is my biggest stress...

I love being a mom.  I love my little sweets...I love, love, love it!  I, to be honest, dream and imagine days when they are older and we can dance and play...every single day....

I also love when my life is in order.  My life is not even close to being in order.  Ha!  Today I am practicing letting go.  In the midst of the mess, I am taking a deep breath and letting go...at least partly.  Because it's for myself, my family...

At the end of the day if the dishes didn't get done...oh well.  Ok, honestly, I cringe at that.  But there are days I am so tired...

So, I have a goal...

Learn to live stressed-less...which in one area of my life means learning to let go.  Learning to do what I can each day and to know that is enough.  Learning that if some days or even most days, the only thing I get done is taking care of my sweet girls, that is enough. 

Getting on the treadmill for just 10 minutes, is enough, if that is all I can do.  Doing one load of laundry is enough if that is all I can do.

If someone wants to do the dishes for me though, that would be great, haha!

The bible study leader said to be thankful for laundry because it means my family has something to wear...

Amen.

A rare moment

It is silent at my house right now.

Joel is asleep on the couch.  Hannah and Harper both asleep in their ca rseats...they had 4 month vaccines today, fell asleep on the car ride home, and I am not disturbing them...

The only sounds I hear are the washing machine and the keys of the key board.

It's been months.  I actually can't remember the last time this happened...

Yep, that's my world. 

Crying twin daughters...or laughing, or cooing...the tv on...

Noise.

But guess what?

I'm doing an online Bible study called Stressed-Less Living and guess what?

I am actually doing it, in the midst of the silence!

Ah...

I seriously doubted this moment would come today.  It was sort of stressing me out.  Haha!  Wow, I'm basking.  So much of my life these days happens inside the walls of this house, and so much is well, stressful.  Don't get me wrong...the gift of Hannah Grace and Harper Joy is indescribable.  Every day I look at them and I see miracles.  But some days, no every day, I need a break, just a tiny 5 minutes, or 10!  And sometimes even bigger breaks are needed...that much needed break came this past week, more on that in another post. 

I am being renewed!  I will learn some stressed-less living...I already feel lighter.

This verse really spoke to me: 2 Samuel 22:7  In my distress I called to the Lord; I called out to my God.  From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came to his ears.

Here's a great reminder, He listens.  I can cry out to him.  He is there, even when things get low, when things get hard...he is there.  He is always, say that word aloud, always, there.  How cool is that?  He can carry our burdens so we don't have too!

Oh, I hear the tiny cries of Harper...I'm off to feed and cuddle one of my sweet little girls!

One year ago!

One year ago today...

There we sat.  Joel, myself and Dr. Shomento. 

She was holding a sheet of paper that was filled with pictures of our sweet little embryos...

Wee little specks. 

A decision before us.  Transfer one or two.

One or two.  Hannah or Harper or both?

We chose both!  Two!  I remember Dr. Shomento was nervous about us having twins in Big Sandy.  But I also remember she was in full support of two!

You see, all along our journey, through the tears, the pain, the hurts, the lack of hope, I always imagined two. 

Twins. 

Why not?  We waited so long...

My arms went from empty to extra full in one giant leap of hope...one scary giant leap...one grace filled leap.  

We did it!  We transfered two!  Now my days are filled with two feisty, sweet, adorable miracles...

Living proof...miracles are happening!  Miracles abound...I change their diapers and feed them every day.  

A simple cup of coffee

Today my day is about a simple cup of coffee...

Well, let's be real...it's really about two babies...

And let's be real again...my every day is also about coffee!

Today, I'm trying to find the perfect morning cup...

I wish I were sitting on the deck in warmth and sunshine...I wish my cup was full of milk, peppermint mocha coffee creamer (which they now sell year round), and coffee...

That was my perfect cup yesterday...well, minus the deck scenario.  

But, I'm wondering if I need to give up the creamer...I'm wondering if it makes Harper spit up when nursing.

Nursing is hard.  But cleaning bottles is harder.  There are days, today being one of them, that I almost give up nursing...maybe both babies could just have a bottle.  Then I remember how hard it is to keep bottles clean.  And I ask myself, how would that make me feel?  Ok, sad.

But I'm in the throes of trying to figure out why all of a sudden Harper spits up more.  Is it something I'm eating?  Is it dairy?  It's emotionally draining...this is hard enough but now I have to give up the way I like my coffee?  What?!

Ugh!

So, today, I start my day trying to come up with the new perfect cup of coffee...good bye creamer, at least for now.  Even if this frustrates me, mucho...but I'll do it, or at least try...hello coffee with sugar, lots of sugar...

I made blueberry muffins to make the coffee search even more sweet!  I guess, because I like to celebrate things, I will celebrate finding a new sweet taste...

Because as long as we're being real...there is no way I can give up my morning coffee!  I'll just change how it tastes, for now.

Ramblings

It's been a while.

I've been awake since 7am.  The girls have been sleeping.  It finally occurred to me, I should be blogging!

I should tell you about our sweet Hannah...she has to go see a head specialist...she might have to wear a helmet.  Her doctor is pretty sure she will have to wear one.  Her parents are too.  They have a name for what is wrong with her, I can't remember the name.  But her head isn't forming correctly.  I'm just so thankful they can help her...

We have new acid reflux medicine for her...will our sweet girl ever get over this intense spitting up?  At least she doesn't seem to be in discomfort over it.

Harper continues to grow and be our smiley intense gazed thinker!

They do both bring us so much joy.  I mean my heart melts when they smile at me.  And they both smile a lot!

In other news...

I haven't even had the chance to tell you I no longer have a job.  Long story.

Yesterday our car broke down in Great Falls.  Talk about stress.  We managed to coast it to the car repair shop.  But then what?  Thankfully the high school basketball tournament is this week in Great falls...we called a guy from Big Sandy who picked us up, took the girls and I to him and his families hotel room, took Joel to watch basketball and a couple of hours later another family and Joel picked the girls and I up at the hotel and took us home...we were home by 8:30...

Long day.  Scary day.  Stressful day.  But so thankful we were rescued.  And for the most part the girls were champs through it all!

Coffee is calling.

Living a real surreal life

I've often blogged about how surreal Joel and I's life has been since we got married.

Moving to Minnesota, then North Dakota, then back to Minnesota before finding out we were headed to Montana...infertility and trips to Mayo and then finding Dr. Shomento, and finally getting pregnant and now we have two babies! 

My oh my.

Harper is awake now.  The two of them sleeping lasted about 15 minutes.  I will take what I can get.  During that time I poured another cup of coffee, ate breakfast and wrote one blog post!  I'm holding her now trying to figure out how to keep typing! 

I smell a diaper change.

Um, this post will have to be continued...

Actually, I will leave it up on my computer today in case I get a chance to finish it... 

I'm back (the next day actually).

Some days I feel lost in the depths of surrealness...Some days none of this feels real. Some days I despise the word surreal...

Let me explain.  Some days parenthood feels so surreal that it feels like I'm acting, it simply doesn't feel real.  And I don't like that.  When that happens I simply don't feel like a mom.  I don't feel connected to this new role we've longed for all these years.

And that makes me mad.

We often hear each other say things like, "we have twins", "there are little people in the back seat (of the car) that are ours", "we have these two little people we made"...

And on and on.

This is surreal people.  Infertility, pregnancy, and now twins, this is surreal.

Mommy and Daddy after so many years of longing...this is surreal.  

Last week another mom visited me and the girls.  Her oldest son, a first grader, is an IVF baby.  Her youngest two came along the unexpected (after infertility) natural way...3 miracles!  She brought me back to reality, she reminded me how extra special our girls are because of how they came to be...she reminded me of what miracles we have...she reminded me of our very real journey.  For as much as this feels surreal, it really is real.  Even when we don't believe it.  Even when we look at them and think, "are they really ours?"!  Side note: as we were talking it came up that her and her husband were married at Lutherhaven memorial day weekend in 1999...fun connection!

On goes our journey, written with now two miracles we call our daughters.  Wow!  It still makes us go wow!  They will be headed off to kindergarten and we will probably still be pinching each other asking ourselves, "is this really real?"!

Sleep

Daddy just left for work for the day and both Harper and Hannah are sleeping:

Isn't that beautiful?!

I've gotten into a bad habit lately...I write blog posts in my head because I don't have a chance to sit down at the computer...and then I forget them later.  It's seriously annoying to me.

Did any of you watch last night's episode of HIMYM?  I cried with Lilly at the end...not because I feel like she does, wanting to pack my bags and leave during the night because I don't always like being a mother, but because she just wants to do art.  I just want to write.  It's one of the things I miss the most...

I love my new full time job.  I love it.  It is not always easy.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Some days I celebrate just surviving.  Some days I cry because I'm so tired.  Some days I have no idea how the three of us will make it through the day without an extra set of adult hands to help mommy out...

And every day I wonder how I am supposed to go back to work next week.  Hmmm...

Life is such a new kind of adventure.  It's so...hard, fun, frustrating, adorable...

Here's to hoping they sleep for maybe another hour, now that would be an unexpected start to our day without daddy!