Just this one thing....

A couple of nights ago, in the middle of the night, I wrote two blog posts in my head, then had mostly forgotten them by morning! Joel's advice the next morning was to just get up and write them while they were in my head. Maybe next time. I do remember that they were about sadness and our role as the giant elephant in the room. We sometimes hear people tell us that friends are trying to get pregnant, and we even hear people tell us they are pregnant. And then there is us. We try, but we don't get. It's like one giant marathon that won't end. And with it comes the pain that I imagine comes with running 26 miles in a row. Physical hurt in our hearts, emotional hurt, mental hurt. It's a lot of hurt. Hurt that goes deeper than we ever hoped it would. Sometimes we think back to two years ago when this pain hurt so much. But back then we had the hope that it wouldn't last this long. Now it hurts more. Now the hope it less. Now the journey is longer. It's not a journey we want. It's not a journey we share much of, unless it is here on this page. Which makes us even more of a giant elephant in the room. Everybody wants to be careful what they say around us, everybody wants to talk about their joy and happiness. Our pain is silent. You will rarely see or hear us talking or crying about it in public. That comes in the secret. It's not fair we say, then we regret having those horrible thoughts. But if it is between us and God isn't it ok to think that? Say that? Shout that? Isn't God there to bear our pain, to hear it, take it and hold us through it? For now, the pain hurts so much and stays with us into the depths. For now, we don't know what to do with the pain but lay it down here and lay it at the feet of Jesus. Please Jesus, take our pain, our suffering, and please bring us the joy we long for but can't find, the joy we want but can no longer see the path to. "Oh Lord I beg of you....just this one thing..."