An update on the TV Latte Lady

Lady week, the character, Julia, who wanted to "buy" the latte lady's baby asked her if she could, "will you let me adopt your baby?" she asked after an episode of buying lots of coffee and helping the latte lady with a legal landlord situation (for free of course). The latte lady's answer? "No". What? No? Crushing disappointment, awkwardness, sadness. And no more coffee. Last night we found Julia avoiding the latte lady, not drinking coffee (sad day), all because she was embarrassed that she has asked. It sort of looked like she was helping the latte lady for free with a legal issue, to influence her decision. But of course she wasn't. She wanted a baby, this baby needed a mom and dad, seemed to be a perfect solution. Towards the end of the episode, the latte lady finally asked Julia if she wanted to know why she said no. With tears running down her face, she explained that she wanted a closed adoption. If she gave her baby to someone she sells coffee to every day, it would make it that much harder. Tears. Pain. And an amazing, almost grace like, understanding from Julia. The closed adoption part made me want the latte lady's baby even more. I wonder, in the weeks to come, as this story unfolds, if Julia will concoct a plan to leave her job, say goodbye to the latte lady, whose name is Zoe by the way, all to have a sweet babe in her arms. Maybe not, maybe this is the end of that story line. But I do hope that we see Julia and her husband with a baby sometime in the future. Just like I hope the same thing for Joel and I. It might seem strange to be talking about this story line like it is real when I know it's not. When you are walking through infertility, you truly are drawn to people "like" you, whether real or fictional. Maybe there is a little bit of hope for us in their story, or maybe not, but we will continue to tune in. We will watch and wait and hopefully in the end we will either find our own biological miracle, or latte lady who picks us!

It was the lowest of times, it was the highest of times

Yesterday was a pretty low day for us on this infertility journey. We were sad and to be honest, completely lacking hope. A few days ago Joel said to me "I always have hope," and I responded with an "I don't". I guess it is good when at least one of us does. But yesterday, hope was no where to be found. We hit bottom. We were immersed in our lack of parenthood. I even went through the baby box and pulled out a bunch of stuff to give away. I know I have often said I was going to do this, but now I have a pile. We just can't see it happening. We are frustrated and sad and tired of hoping only to have our hopes die. We counted it up...it's been 43 months of disappointment. That's a lot of heartache. And that 43 isn't counting the 5 months we did fertility treatments when we were so hopeful and then so crushed, month after month. So, really it's been 48 months. And it's hard. Really really hard. We just can't see it happening any more. We are at a loss as to how to make it happen. I think a little more each day and each month the dream dies. We are at the point in this journey where we think up things we can do instead of being parents...like maybe travel more (ha, like a pastor and preschool teacher have time for that!). Such is life. It was the lowest of times.

The highest of times came when we remembered today that we can call the Billings clinic and maybe they will be able to help us, or at least see us once. In my research before calling I learned that we can go to either Billings or Bozeman. There are two specialists, one located at each location, and they are both associated with the fertility clinic in Billings. The Billings specialist knows Dr. Jensen at Mayo, the Bozeman specialist knows Dr. Phoebe, who is Dr. Jensen's shadow (for lack of the correct term) at Mayo. Both come recommended. The logical thing, which I did, is to see which one is the closest and go to them. But there is only a 14 mile difference in the treks to each from Big Sandy. I guess I will look to see which "city" has better shopping and starbucks! Or maybe which one can give us the soonest appointment...hmmm...stay tuned...

A little lumber yard boy...

he's in my preschool class. He turned 5 two days after the public school age cut-off for kindergarten and one day before preschool. This is his second year in preschool. His parents own the lumber yard in town, the hardware store and the NAPA auto parts. We are told from people in the community, over and over again, to "buy local". We had planned to go to Havre today to get mouse ammo from Big R but we ran out of time so to the hardware store/lumber yard we went. The mouse ammo was right inside the door. Seconds later the little boy came around the corner! He had all kinds of advice for catching mice and he told me all about his day! It was so adorable. He told me that soccer practice was cancelled because it poured down rain and stormed here all day (a first since we arrived July 22, Joel was so excited to have the clouds watering the lawn!). Then he told me he was going to school tomorrow and then Fort Benton for a soccer game (which is actually Saturday his mom later told me)! He was so excited! His grandma came and asked him to be quiet, to let us shop. Then his mom came asking him the same thing but kept right on talking. I listened to him and asked him questions! I could hear his little baby brother in the corner cooing. He showed me a giant tool to push nails into a wall. He compared it to a bull dozer. His grandma and mom just kept apologizing over and over again. They'd been listening to him all day! But I loved it...I have a little friend in Big Sandy!

How much is too much to say?

Today, and actually yesterday also, I thought to myself...how much is too much to share on this blog? You know how when we were going through fertility treatments everyone pretty much knew everything about our journey...day 1's, shot days, ultra sound days, procedure days. Well, this month, here goes the "maybe this is too personal part", I had the idea to try an ovulation test kit. We haven't used one for months. When doing fertility treatments, at least the kind we were doing, we didn't need to because the last shot of every cycle controlled, down to the hour, when I would ovulate. And after the last procedure failed, we just didn't want to use one of those kits. It's not that they are difficult or annoying, we were just done. We wanted a baby so badly, but we didn't know how to get there. We needed to rest, relax, get through the transition from seminary to first call, and just be. But this month, four days ago actually, I decided, why not check to see if we are anywhere near ovulation (I had lots of sticks leftover from before fertility treatments). The first time the stick was a negative. The next day I didn't even bother with one. The day after, two days ago, the stick told me that I would be ovulating soon. I was filled with this overwhelming sense that I needed to ask you all to pray for us, that maybe this would be the month, and tell you that this is the time, please, please pray for us now, in this very moment. But I waited a day...

I have tears falling as I write this, because we have a little bit of hope this month, and we haven't felt that for a very long time. Maybe it's being surrounded by pregnant people (they are everywhere here, people have their kids one a year, it's wild)...or all the people who are just waiting and wondering when we'll have news (at least once a week we are asked if we have kids, and it we plan to, of course we answer no and then yes). We're scared because we remember that maybe I can't ovulate fully without hormone shots, and we're scared because many times before an ovulation test kit told us I was ovulating, only to have another month of sorrow. But for now we will hope with everything in us, and we will beg God as we wait. We've been here before...we want different results, and we don't know if we will get them, or how, but we know that Jesus, our friend, is with us now and always.

Just another manic Monday...

Monday was stress city at our house, probably one of the most stressful we've had since residing in the great state of Montana (well second to the second week that was giant stress). I do not do well with the start of new things, never have. I get all weird and scared and nervous and it's all I can think about. I was ready for preschool the next day, but I didn't feel like it. Monday is Joel's day in Big Sandy. But since he worked most of the weekend I told him I needed him all day on Monday...it was go time for the preschool teacher. I was excited about the type of job I was about to embark on, and thankful that it wasn't an office job, but I was scared. Um, play with kids I can do, teach them something? Ha...um, not so sure about that! I had the entire Monday planned out, minute by minute, and I had lists, lots of lists! I was ready to get ready!

Of course we started the morning with coffee (not on the deck, though I did have "sitting on the deck" on my list), followed by what was intended to be a walk for exercise, which was also on my list...this sort of backfired and changed the course of the day..."do you have a key" I asked as I was locking the door and shutting it, "yea" Joel responded, followed by an "oh wait" and a slam...oops! He had the church keys, but we forgot a house key. We were locked out. All four doors that could have let us in were locked (we're good at locking up!). We walked to the church and grabbed a big pile of old keys wondering if one of them would let us in, but no luck. It was now or never to find out which parishioners had a key to our house (we assumed they all did!). Back to the church we went. We called Kyle, Betty Jo, Vicky and no one answered. We called Cherie at work, no answer, we called Cherie at home who told us to call Bob who also wasn't home. We called Jodie at work who said to call Kyle who we had already tried. No one had a key. We saw Vicky drive by and got excited, she was on her way to the library, we could call her there! We tried, no answer. We waited, we gathered a giant screw driver and a ladder...we were going to break in! I had things to get done! Then we called Vicky one last time, and she answered and SHE HAD A KEY! She might be the only one out there with one besides us...whew! Of course the key was at her house and she was at work but she went to get it and we were let in! The whole escapade only took a couple of hours...and I might not have slept much Monday night, but I did get as ready as I was gonna be and following Tuesday morning coffee I made it to my first day of preschool with time to spare!

P.S. Though we thought about it, there was no way we were going to call the local sheriff, whose son goes to my preschool, to help us break into our house...we would have ended up in the "Wingnuts & Dingbats" section of the local newspaper...no way!!

Parenthood on TV

Do any of you watch the show Parenthood on NBC Tuesday nights? If not, you totally should! It's so good. Last night was the season premiere. And while we were watching it, I said to Joel "I have to blog about that...".

It is a show full of brothers and sisters and their spouses, or dating life (a couple of them are single) and life and it's craziness...

One of the sisters and her husband have one little girl in school and want to have another baby. We learned last season that they more than likely won't be able to, something medically wrong with her. I know, this is all a fictional story line, but I'm still drawn to it. I cried last season as I watched their pain of wanting a baby so badly...

On last night's episode this character decided she wants to "buy the latte lady's baby." What? What? Buy the latte lady's baby?! I shouldn't even be repeating this, but I would buy a latte lady's baby! Let me explain...at this characters office, a lady pushes around a latte cart and sells coffee (I so need to work in one of those offices one day). She is the latte lady. She is pregnant and giving the baby away. So, in comes the desire to buy the latte lady's baby...hmmm, latte, baby...sweet...I hope this story line plays out so she does indeed get to buy, or rather adopt, the latte lady's baby...one mom who has a gift to willingly give, one mom whose longing can be fulfilled, 2 moms connected by coffee and a baby. Sounds pretty perfect to me.

Preschool...

Yesterday was preschool open house day. Oh. My. It was CRAZY! Kids came out of the wood-works (or rather the wheat fields)...as the ol' saying goes! The room has been painted, the welcome signs are hung, the coat and back pack hooks are assigned, supplies purchased...the teacher is ready, almost!

Only 12 kids came yesterday, which I know isn't too overwhelming, but they brought with them siblings, both older and younger, and parents, and the room was full...little kids were running wild and the entire floor was covered in toys...legos, blocks, cars, kitchen toys, puzzles, books, etc. It was wild. And I had to chuckle...one mom brought her 3 year old who will be in class, her 2 year old and another little surprise 3 year old friend who will also be in class...and they stayed the entire time, the 3rd people to get there, the last to leave. I honestly wondered when 5pm rolled around if they were going to leave. It finally occurred to me that preschool open house was the social event of the day, or maybe even the week, this is a small town after all. It was fun and overwhelming. I had to prompt the parents to ask me questions, even suggesting they ask me things like where I am from! A few of the moms finally opened up and Pastor Joel and one of the dads hit it off. The most overwhelming for me was the constant question "how many kids will be in class?". I answered with a "13, I think". I really don't know though.

Here's some background: The history of the preschool has been to have 4 year olds come. This year myself and the head of the christian education committee (who oversees the preschool) got the big idea to try and add a one day a week 3 year old class. So, I contacted a list of 3 year old parents provided by the elementary school. I called them, I sent them letters, I talked with several of them many times, and I met with a couple of them. We needed at least 5 to have a class and I only had 4 committ. So, we cancelled that idea...on to the 4 year olds. But of course, some of the 3 year old parents still want their kids to come and so we told those four 3 year olds that they could come if they wanted to.

Now, at the risk of making this way too long and drawn out, I'll get to the point. With the kids who showed up yesterday, that I did not know were coming, and the three 3 year olds that will come, I may have 15 kids, by myself. The "by myself" thing is the sort of problem here. I won't know if it's really a problem til Tuesday. But it seemed to me that the parents were concerned about there being too many in class. I think I need an assistant! But we can't pay one, and I could offer free tuition to a mom, but all of the moms either work or have little ones at home who would have to come and run around in the class, just adding to the already lots of kids...hmmmm! Not sure what next week will bring. The first day is the 13th. I will have ages 3-5 in class. Three of the kids came last year as 4 year olds but have birthdays that just missed the public school cut off so they are back in preschool. Three of them are shy little timid 3 year olds who have never been away from mom...should be an adventure, to say the least. I did have one little girl tell me she loved me as she left...gotta love little kids and their instant acceptance of the teacher, ha!

Up the ladder...

Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I envisioned us on a ladder. We were fighting to get to the top, through trees, through falling objects, we just needed to get to the top. We were a little more than half way there. We were reaching. At the top was contentment. The top was our journey filled with pain, but bearable. There was not happiness nor was there longing fulfilled, but there was the very clear way to being a family of 2, there was hope that we can navigate this family of two thing, forever. We love being us, we just want so much more. I imagine, probably because I'm good at making stories up in my head, that some of you are bored or annoyed with this blog...I wouldn't be surprised if you don't read it anymore...It feels like it's the same words over and over again. The same pain, the same lack of hope, the same tears. I probably wrote what I am writing now, a year ago, 3 months ago, 2 weeks ago. I don't really know what to compare this pain to. And I don't know why it won't end. Every one who deals with infertility deals with it differently. And maybe if our infertility was explained we would deal with it differently. But for now, as we keep on traveling, we remain sad, confused, mad. It's so darn hard. I was wishing today that someone, well God really, would tell us what the deal is here. If we can't have kids we'd like to know, if we can have them but not for 10 years, we'd like to know. But such is life, not knowing, always wondering, barely hoping, and lots o' tears.