How much is too much to say?

Today, and actually yesterday also, I thought to myself...how much is too much to share on this blog? You know how when we were going through fertility treatments everyone pretty much knew everything about our journey...day 1's, shot days, ultra sound days, procedure days. Well, this month, here goes the "maybe this is too personal part", I had the idea to try an ovulation test kit. We haven't used one for months. When doing fertility treatments, at least the kind we were doing, we didn't need to because the last shot of every cycle controlled, down to the hour, when I would ovulate. And after the last procedure failed, we just didn't want to use one of those kits. It's not that they are difficult or annoying, we were just done. We wanted a baby so badly, but we didn't know how to get there. We needed to rest, relax, get through the transition from seminary to first call, and just be. But this month, four days ago actually, I decided, why not check to see if we are anywhere near ovulation (I had lots of sticks leftover from before fertility treatments). The first time the stick was a negative. The next day I didn't even bother with one. The day after, two days ago, the stick told me that I would be ovulating soon. I was filled with this overwhelming sense that I needed to ask you all to pray for us, that maybe this would be the month, and tell you that this is the time, please, please pray for us now, in this very moment. But I waited a day...

I have tears falling as I write this, because we have a little bit of hope this month, and we haven't felt that for a very long time. Maybe it's being surrounded by pregnant people (they are everywhere here, people have their kids one a year, it's wild)...or all the people who are just waiting and wondering when we'll have news (at least once a week we are asked if we have kids, and it we plan to, of course we answer no and then yes). We're scared because we remember that maybe I can't ovulate fully without hormone shots, and we're scared because many times before an ovulation test kit told us I was ovulating, only to have another month of sorrow. But for now we will hope with everything in us, and we will beg God as we wait. We've been here before...we want different results, and we don't know if we will get them, or how, but we know that Jesus, our friend, is with us now and always.