It was the lowest of times, it was the highest of times

Yesterday was a pretty low day for us on this infertility journey. We were sad and to be honest, completely lacking hope. A few days ago Joel said to me "I always have hope," and I responded with an "I don't". I guess it is good when at least one of us does. But yesterday, hope was no where to be found. We hit bottom. We were immersed in our lack of parenthood. I even went through the baby box and pulled out a bunch of stuff to give away. I know I have often said I was going to do this, but now I have a pile. We just can't see it happening. We are frustrated and sad and tired of hoping only to have our hopes die. We counted it up...it's been 43 months of disappointment. That's a lot of heartache. And that 43 isn't counting the 5 months we did fertility treatments when we were so hopeful and then so crushed, month after month. So, really it's been 48 months. And it's hard. Really really hard. We just can't see it happening any more. We are at a loss as to how to make it happen. I think a little more each day and each month the dream dies. We are at the point in this journey where we think up things we can do instead of being parents...like maybe travel more (ha, like a pastor and preschool teacher have time for that!). Such is life. It was the lowest of times.

The highest of times came when we remembered today that we can call the Billings clinic and maybe they will be able to help us, or at least see us once. In my research before calling I learned that we can go to either Billings or Bozeman. There are two specialists, one located at each location, and they are both associated with the fertility clinic in Billings. The Billings specialist knows Dr. Jensen at Mayo, the Bozeman specialist knows Dr. Phoebe, who is Dr. Jensen's shadow (for lack of the correct term) at Mayo. Both come recommended. The logical thing, which I did, is to see which one is the closest and go to them. But there is only a 14 mile difference in the treks to each from Big Sandy. I guess I will look to see which "city" has better shopping and starbucks! Or maybe which one can give us the soonest appointment...hmmm...stay tuned...