My heart is at the beach...

That's a saying we saw today. And to us it is very meaningful...we love the beach. It's so good for our souls to be here. Playing in the ocean, running through the sand, listening to the waves and seeing the amazing sunsets. Our hearts are at the beach. Maybe second call can be closer to the beach:) Ok, so we're getting ahead of ourselves. But Joel and I really do need the beach, as much as we love it, we also need it. Today as I was holding the hands of Rylee and Kaylie and we were crouched down in the cold pacific ocean water, I loved the sounds of their screeches as the waves came in and washed over us. We would see them coming from way out and we would wait...wait...wait, ah, the crash! It was very cold but very refreshing. Joel's goal was to dive in...but then he decided it was too cold. I concurred! We got used to the temp of the water eventually, but never enough to dive in. We were covered in salty, cold, and thrilling ocean water though, and it was amazing! We love the beach. We didn't see the sun today and we felt rain drops for a lot of the day, but it didn't matter, we still played. And played hard! Last night we stood at the edge of the ocean, with Rylee and Kaylie running around us, we held hands, and we asked God to give us babies. We did that same thing the last time we were at the beach and it didn't work, but maybe this time it will. We feel so close to God at the beach.

Vehicles

We think we will need to purchase a four wheel drive vehicle sometime in the next few months. We are moving to Montana, 45 miles south of Canada, to a little town called Big Sandy. The road in front of our house (the parsonage) is dirt/gravel. In the winter and spring we just might need more than our front wheel drive toyota camry! So, we've been looking at vehicles. And for a couple of weeks, as we dreamed about having babies to fill a vehicle, we had our hearts set on a Toyota sienna because we read and heard on the news that they have great safety ratings and they come in four wheel drive. But now we don't know if we will have babies to fill a mini van so maybe we'll get a pick-up. A chevy or a toyota. An old one but a good one. It's funny because when you want to be pregnant of course you see pregnant people everywhere, your eyes are drawn to them. And when you want a certain van or suv or pick-up you are drawn to them. In Big Sandy we have to haul our own garbage. So probably a pick-up is the better choice anyway. A pick-up with a dog in the back!

Calling Mayo

I had to call Mayo on Tuesday. I should have called them on Monday. Day 1 was Sunday. But you don't call about Day 1 on a weekend. I thought about calling all day on Monday but I just couldn't. I was dreading it. I was scared. It was the last thing I wanted to do. But I knew on Tuesday that I had to call. That was Day 3. You never wait til mid morning on Day 3 to call. I didn't know if I should tell the front desk lady who answers that I really didn't need to be calling because we are moving to Montana but that I wanted them to know, or just tell her that the test was negative and let her tell me that the nurse would call me back. I did the latter. In the moment that is all I could do. And I really wanted to talk to a nurse. An hour later, which they never take that long to call back, Dawn called. She was sad for us. I had tears running down my face. It was so hard. I told her I didn't know what I was supposed to do because we are moving to Montana which she already knew. Basically it was a call to let them know about the negative test and for me to ask if I could please please call them anytime I need to. She said absolutely. They can't help a lot from a distance, but she said to call anytime. That is what I needed to hear. That is why I called really. I knew they wouldn't or couldn't say they could help in the moment. But I needed to hear that they are there. It makes me cry writing this, I don't know, I am so glad they are there and so sad that it didn't work and so scared that it will never work and so confused and angry that we will have to call the clinic in Billings. I wanted to have to call the Billings doctors because we were pregnant with multiple babies and they were our doctors. But no such thing. We're just sad. We're mad. But we're also really sad.

Pancakes

A few weekends ago we traveled to Michigan for Joel to be the best man in a wedding. On the way to and from the wedding site we stayed at a Holiday Inn Express just outside of Rockford, IL and we encountered, for the first time ever, the pancake machine! Maybe you all have seen one of these before (refer to picture) but we had not and we were in awe! All you had to do was push a button and in less than a minute 2 pancakes were produced! It was fascinating and the pancakes were delicious. You know those hotel waffle makers and how they are often surrounded by a mess? Well, not with the pancake machine! We would recommend every hotel waffle maker be replaced. It was legen...wait for it......dary (that's for all of you HIMYM fans out there)! Seriously. If you ever get a chance to travel through Illinois stop at this hotel and have a pancake or two. You won't regret this decision! But make sure you have lots o' change for the tolls along the way.

A good feeling...

Last week a friend said to me she had a good feeling about us one day getting pregnant. As much as I like to hear that, I am also skeptical. I mean, we've hoped, expected, longed for, listened to words like this...for years now. And we still have empty arms. There is nothing like empty arms. We're pretty sad. We want what this friend said to give us hope, but if we have hope we also have fear that comes and goes each month. Month after month. So, maybe she's right. Maybe God will allow us to be pregnant someday. And we will get to a place where we can talk to him about it again without getting angry. But it sure is hard right now to believe that we will be able to one day have a little part Joel part me to be parents to.

Confusion

Last week found us in the midst of one more negative test result...and we were so sure this time. But round 5 failed, epically. By epically we mean that all 5 treatments failed. All we got out of those 5 treatments was a bill, meds that make me gain weight, and a super nice doctor. We're thankful for the doctor. Devastated by the failure. We're so confused. And so mad. Most of the confusion and anger are directed at God right now...every appointment fell into place for us, only one interfered with Joel's classes, well he missed 1 and a half classes, it all seemed so right. Back when we first tried to get an appointment they didn't even ask questions, just scheduled us. It all felt like the road we were suppose to travel. Back in December, after we first met with our doctor, it seemed a sure thing that it would work. Then came the yo yo of hope and pain. The ups and downs of hormones and tears and dreams of a dream finally coming true. All of it with no result in the end. We're sad and mad. We're trying to work through it, but almost don't have the energy this time. Like Joel said just yesterday, the finality of failed treatment number 5 is really really hard. We can only hope that with time the pain fades. And maybe somewhere along the road we can find hope again, in the midst of pure devastation.

birthdays...

I've been on a blog hiatus since we've had to much going on! But finally I have a chance to write.
yesterday at work a lady stopped by the front desk to complain to me about having a birthday party for her 2-year old twins this weekend. Really? I wanted to scream at her to stop talking, don't do this to me I was thinking, I don't want to hear this. I really really didn't want to hear it. I would do anything to be having a birthday party this weekend for our 2 year old twins. It would be epic, for sure. Another lady at work gave birth to twins this week...wonderful! But oh so hard.
We are right smack in the middle of the waiting after another treatment. It feels like we had the last treatment forever ago, when really it was just a week ago yesterday. The waiting, the fear, it is all so hard. The wondering if I feel different this time, the feeling, literally, of being all pumped up on hormones. We are so scared it didn't work. I keep telling God that I really don't think we can handle another negative test, it's too hard. But I know he will give us what we need, he will be there, and he instills a hope in us that couldn't come from anywhere but him. So, we wait and we try to distract ourselves with things like running errands, maybe packing a box or two and having some fun!