This is hard

Today I add another dose of hormones to my frozen embryo transfer regimen...

If you need me, I'll be the one crying in the corner...

You guys, this honestly feels like the hardest thing I've ever done.

I know, I know, you're probably saying to yourself right now that of course I think that, I'm hyped up on hormones...I'm overreacting...it's the hormones...

But really...I cry a lot...I have two beautiful sweet, challengning miracle toddlers I'm taking care of...the ones that are exerting their independence and opinions and throwing food and refusing to eat and coloring where they shouldn't and screaming "go" because they want to go outside constantly or "light" because they want me to light a candle so they can stare at it...

I'm blessed, I am, I know I am.  But this is hard.  It's so hard. 

I have a sweet friend growing babies from an FET and she said the hormones for FET are worse than for a fresh IVF cycle...

To be honest it feels worse.  It feels harder.  I can't keep up...with the girls, the house, the appointments, Joel's schedule...any of it.

But I'm trying my hardest.  And the last two nights Joel made dinner for us!  And got up with Harper at 5:50 this morning so I could sleep a little longer!  And I have amazing friends and family calling, tweeting or texting me to see how I'm doing, helping to keep me sane, or listening to me. 

It's a team effort...we'll make it.  But my goodness, it's hard. 

Don't worry

I called the nurse today.  The reason I had to call was because the lab work orders she sent me said that they needed done today, but we had talked last week and decided to have them done tomorrow...I didn't want to show up at the lab tomorrow and have them tell me that they wouldn't do it because the date was off...

I was stressed. 

She told me it should be fine if the date is off by just a day...

Then, why I had her on the phone I asked her if I should be worried...my body isn't cooperating...

Her response?  Don't worry Melissa...

I'm repeating that to myself over and over again today.  (and talking to Twitter friends going through the exact same thing right now...in hopes that together we can calm each other down)...

Tomorrow's baseline ultra sound and labs are going to tell them what my body is doing then we'll know what we're working with.  I'm still skeptical...not of them, but of how my body is going to react to all of this...not the stress, but the meds, if the lining of my uterus is going to grow how it's supposed to...blah blah...

We'll leave by 7am tomorrow and drive to great falls then wait for the doctor to call with results.  By then I will have taken my first hormone pill and hopefully be on the fast track to Billings in three weeks and having some babies on board!

My fears and forgets

September 24 is creeping up on us...

And today, I'm washed in my fears and forgets...and it's bringing me to tears.

My fear that my body will fail me...

Fear that our embryos won't be given the chance to grow inside of me because they won't survive the unfreezing process...

Fear that my body won't be ready for them...

Fear that as the next few days go on the doctor will call me and tell me my body just won't coorperate...that we shouldn't even show up for transfer...

Fear that I'll forget to take a pill or show up at an appointment or show up the wrong day.

Fear that it won't work for us this time.  That there's no way it will work twice for us.

And then there are the forgets...

I forget that the Doctor and her team very much know what they're doing.

I forget that last time, doing IVF, I had many of the same fears...

I forget that when I thought my body was failing me last time, it was actually doing exactly what it should. 

I forget that the scripture that saw me through last time 1 John 4:18 "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear..."

I forget that it's ok to hope.  And imagine.  And dream.  

Infertility sucks.  The fear of making a baby with fertility treatments sucks...but the miracle of making a baby through infertility treatments is indescribable...we're ready to add to our family...we're ready for another front row seat as the courier (taking our embryos to Billings), embryologist, doctor, nurse, an entire team....do everything they can for life to grow inside of me.  Please God, we seek you, we beg you, give us more miracles...guide our team, cover us in grace...give us life...give us courage.

When it rains it pours...

Last Sunday afternoon I was carrying Harper, walking, and I fell...her head, or more like the side of her face, hit and bounced off the tile floor in our entry way...

She was screaming, I was screaming, she was bleeding from her mouth, I could see bruises and bumps and it scared us bad...so I called Vicky, her and Phil were here within 3 minutes...she called the clinic ER in town for us, Joel told them what happened and they told us to bring her over.

Poor baby, she was so sad, so was I.  Phil and Vicky stayed with Hannah and away we went...well, only a minute down the street...

The nurses checked her and observed her and didn't even have to call in the on call doctor. 

She is still swollen in the cheek but it's getting better and her bruises are too.  But it all didn't end there...it was a true crappy mommyhood week...

Monday night Harper got a fever.  That lasted til Wednesday.  So her, Hannah and I did not leave the house those three days.  On Thursday the carpets were being cleaned at our house so Wednesday night was super stressful trying to get the living room, girl's room and hallway completely cleaned out, we were supposed to do the other two bedrooms two but just couldn't...

Thursday the girls and I waited around all morning in the empty living room for the carpet guy.  When he finally came at 2, about the time Joel arrived home, I was on the verge of a meltdown, Harper was in the throes of a meltdown and Hannah just wanted to go outside...

So we headed to Great Falls because we'd heard the pumpkin spice lattes were back at starbucks!  And the girls needed a nap and even though it's stressful taking them places it was less stressful than staying in our mess of a house when we couldn't be on the carpet. 

The hardest part of being a parent is being a parent...wow, some days are so dang hard.  And some weeks turn in to one big long battle.  To top it all off the last two nights Harper has been waking up at 3:30am and crying for an hour...teething?  Sleep regression?  Stress over furniture being moved for the carpet to be cleaned?...We have no clue!  And this morning I dumped a full cup of hot coffee all over myself, ha!  I'm laughing because it's that or cry!

When they say "yea" in the cutest voices my heart melts.  When they walk up to me and give me a random hug or kiss my heart melts.  I love seeing them learn new things and grow and their laughter is my favorite sound...and I'm oh so thankful for them...truly...but my goodness I could use a break!  

The next journey

Well, in 26 days we'll hopefully have an embryos or two embryos transferred in to me...and hopefully they'll grow!

We've been deep in the throes of trying to expand our family...

The paperwork, phone call, ultra sound, lab work, hormone pills, embryos traveling from Florida with our permission, kind of way.  It's been weird.  We've done this all before.  But I was was trying to explain to a friend the other day about what all we're doing to get ready for the FET and what that is and she said "so basically you're trying to get pregnant"...I said "yes"!  That's it.  We're going to try to get pregnant on September 24.

We know the day, but not the time.  We don't know the outcome.  We don't know how many embryos will be transferred, we don't know how many will be unfrozen that day to see if they can be transferred, we don't know if we'll get to the surgery center and find out there are no embryos to transfer...

But, we're trying to get pregnant, the way infertile couples who are doing fertility treatments do.  I have a few Twitter friends all transferring within a week of us.  Maybe, hopefully, September will bring lots of new babies!

Two weeks ago the nurse sent me my medication, ultra sound and lab work calendar.  That same day we express mailed all of our forms to Cryology in Florida giving permission for our three embryos to be transported to our doctor at the surgery center in Billings.  This week I talked to the nurse a million times, or more like 10, to set up ultra sounds and lab work in great falls so we wouldn't have to travel to Bozeman.  And yesterday I sat at home til 3pm awaiting the arrival of my box of medication...it's a lot smaller than the IVF box.  But just as nerve wracking and overwhelming. 

Our test day will be October 3. 

To be honest thinking about that day, and the wait for that day, makes me wanna cry.  It's harder than the actual transfer.  And to be honest I don't remember much of the last two week wait.  I know it's brutal.  I guess in the midst of all of it, even on my really low days, my hearts cry is for grace...because if it doesn't work, we'll need grace, if it does work, we'll need grace, for the 9 months and for raising more kids.

It's pretty sweet and also terrifying to be on this next journey to maybe meet our next kid(s).  It seems surreal but yet it feels real. 

The guilt and the joy!

I've written a lot of posts over the past year that I've never published.  I was scared.  Infertility is such a jumble of thoughts, feelings, emotions...it's part of our every day.  It's really how we got Hannah and Harper!  It's sadness and hurt and longing with miracles mixed in.

To be honest, I haven't wanted to hurt anyone, that's part of the reason I don't publish what I write as much anymore.  I haven't wanted to hurt my fertile friends, or my friends going through fertility treatments and still waiting, or all of you, regardless of what stage of life you're in...

The other reason is that I just don't always get to finish posts.  I have twins!  Yay!  (Twins who are currently in their cribs yakking at each other rather than nap, haha, I'm pretty sure, actually I know, my twin sister used to do that to my mom!).

The other reason is I've felt guilty.

Here you go...the hardest part of all of this, now that I have my two beautiful babies, is that every single time, many times a day and night, that being a mom is hard, I feel guilty.  Every single time I yell or get frustrated or mad or sad, all normal mom things, I feel guilty.  All we went through to get our miracles, all the pain all the waiting and longing and hormones and blood draws and ultra sounds and all of it...was worth it because we have our girls.  But I feel guilty.  It isn't supposed to be hard because of how long it took us to get them...which isn't true, I know.  But It's, well I'm not always sure I have the words, which is another reason I haven't written much.  I do know that other people who have been through what we have and are either growing their miracles or watching them grow...they know the words without me having to say them.  They get it.  And I'm not saying that to be mean to you or them, I'm just sometimes as a loss for words, and I know they know. 

But you know what else?  Sometimes it still feels so surreal that I feel robbed.  That feeling of it being surreal runs so deep that it doesn't seem fair.

One thing I do know though, that through it all, through the ups and downs, through the infertility that still plagues us, through the pain and the joy...I feel so blessed.  I tear up when I think about and talk about the miracle.  And the front row seat.  And I wouldn't trade any of it.  And even on my worst days, when I think there's no way we have what it takes to try to add to our family, I hope and I pray that our frozen embryos will have at least a chance to grow inside me.  And that Hannah and Harper will have a chance to be big sisters and that Joel will get to be a Daddy to more and I'll get to me a Mommy to more!  I hope and pray. 

And even with the pain, I'm so thankful that people know they can talk to me about infertility.  In the past week I've learned of two more couples doing treatments in Montana, probably both in September, them IVF, us FET, and you know what?  We can offer them hope and encouragement and so many prayers and the giggles of our own miracles.  We couldn't do that before our front row seat!  

From Montana to Florida to Reno...

Today we received a letter in the mail from our embryo storage facility.  We never get mail from them.  I usually correspond with them via email or phone.  Before opening the letter I thought, oh this must be paperwork for the transport of our embryos back to Montana in September...

But you guys, the letter started out with..."Dear Melissa Skindlov: It is with much regret that we inform you that..."

My heart stopped.  Seriously, right there in the post office I thought I would have a nervous breakdown with tears...sobbing actually...

I thought the next words were going to be something like your embryos have been destroyed on accident, or some horrid version of that...

Deep breath...

It wasn't that!  It was notifying us that our embryos will be transported to Reno, Nevada, their new storage place.  Actually it's a new company.   But the letter mentioned our Doctor and our nurse and said they work very closely with them!

To be honest, I'm still recovering from that few seconds of fear, of pending meltdown...

Joel's reponse was, "well, they've now been two places I've never been."!

We have well traveled embryos.  They started in Montana, traveled to Florida where they've been over two years, now off to Reno.  I have to call on the timeline but I think they'll arrive in Reno in time to be transported to Billings for our Frozen Embryo Transfer in September.  

Did I tell you, we have a transfer date?  September 24!  We won't have a time til it gets closer.  And we won't have a embryo report til that day.  They won't be unfrozen until then.  In a couple of weeks we start our calendar, we start pills, we start scheduling the ultra sounds I'll need...here we go again.