I might also refer to this day as doomsday...
First came a teeth cleaning. That went fine. But as I was nearly upside down in the dental chair, not feeling my babies moving, fear set in...
Then 30 minutes after the teeth cleaning was finished I had an appointment with the doctor to check the tooth with a temporary crown put on in January.
Bad news.
I knew this was coming...
I have to have a root canal. Boo.
Can I wait til January? I wondered aloud...
"I wouldn't", he said.
It has to be done in the second trimester because that is the safest.
That's scary.
It terrifies me actually.
Monday when we have another ultra sound to check in on the babes and then a check up on me I am going to ask Gretchen if this is all ok.
Then the dreaded appointment will be scheduled. Maybe the dentist will let Joel into the room with me, he can hold my hand, calm me down, help me through...
Peace, Lord, we seek peace!
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Fear
Some days I am filled with fear...
What if something I ate hurt the baby girls growing inside of me?
What is something is wrong with them?
When will they arrive?
Will everything keep going as well as it has been?
What could go wrong?
Is this really happening?
I read a tweet from a friend a few nights ago, it was a quote from an article in Fit Pregnancy. It was about pregnancy after infertility...to sum it up it said that we've spent years in treatments, in heartache, in pain...we been through one failed treatment after another...
Until we've finally been through the one that doesn't fail. The treatment that finally worked...
And it's oh so hard to believe...something we've imagined time and time again and it's happening. Really?
Yes, really. I feel our baby girl moving inside of me. Each ultra sound, as scared as we are moments before, shows that they are perfect...
Well, speaking of fear, at the 16 week ultra sound the tech did say that Baby B's heart was a tad small so she would measure it again really thouroughly at the 20 week appointnemt...
The Dr. said both hearts looked great!
Wondering why I haven't said a thing about Baby B's heart? Well, because it scared us, and because the doctor's words reassured us...she will be fine.
I daily remind myself of the scripture that a friend sent right before transfer day back in March..."Perfect love drives out fear..."
Some days those words carry me.
What if something I ate hurt the baby girls growing inside of me?
What is something is wrong with them?
When will they arrive?
Will everything keep going as well as it has been?
What could go wrong?
Is this really happening?
I read a tweet from a friend a few nights ago, it was a quote from an article in Fit Pregnancy. It was about pregnancy after infertility...to sum it up it said that we've spent years in treatments, in heartache, in pain...we been through one failed treatment after another...
Until we've finally been through the one that doesn't fail. The treatment that finally worked...
And it's oh so hard to believe...something we've imagined time and time again and it's happening. Really?
Yes, really. I feel our baby girl moving inside of me. Each ultra sound, as scared as we are moments before, shows that they are perfect...
Well, speaking of fear, at the 16 week ultra sound the tech did say that Baby B's heart was a tad small so she would measure it again really thouroughly at the 20 week appointnemt...
The Dr. said both hearts looked great!
Wondering why I haven't said a thing about Baby B's heart? Well, because it scared us, and because the doctor's words reassured us...she will be fine.
I daily remind myself of the scripture that a friend sent right before transfer day back in March..."Perfect love drives out fear..."
Some days those words carry me.
More on crib bedding...
Looking back on Monday, when I purchased the crib bedding of our dreams...
I realize I was having a freak out. I cannot be trusted to make decisions. At all!
By Wednesday I no longer wanted the crib bedding! Seriously! Then I felt bad about that decision.
In comes Joel and Carol from church...Joel was so understanding. Carol was so reassuring...
It is ok for me to purchase crib bedding and send it back, she told me!
What I really want is bedding with aqua...my true color love! The color, one of them, I have been imagining for this beachy serene nursery! I found 3 more sets (with the help of Jenn and Anne...THANKS) since Monday that I like...one I have eliminated (it had birds). The other two I really do like. They are calming and cool and white and aqua.
I'm sleeping on it before making a decision!
I realize I was having a freak out. I cannot be trusted to make decisions. At all!
By Wednesday I no longer wanted the crib bedding! Seriously! Then I felt bad about that decision.
In comes Joel and Carol from church...Joel was so understanding. Carol was so reassuring...
It is ok for me to purchase crib bedding and send it back, she told me!
What I really want is bedding with aqua...my true color love! The color, one of them, I have been imagining for this beachy serene nursery! I found 3 more sets (with the help of Jenn and Anne...THANKS) since Monday that I like...one I have eliminated (it had birds). The other two I really do like. They are calming and cool and white and aqua.
I'm sleeping on it before making a decision!
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Roller coaster
I think our girls are going to grow up to love roller coasters!
Why?
Because of how I sleep.
I have never been a person who sleeps calmly...I move a lot. Even pre-pregnancy.
But now it is so much worse. I toss and turn all night. And I always feel something when I move...either pain or them moving around with me...
And I'm convinced it's like a roller coaster ride for them!
I can't even sit still on the couch for long...I have to shift positions. I know a huge part of all of that is being pregnant with twins and uncomfortable already!
But part of it also it because pre-pregnancy I was a stomach sleeper and even then I got really restless really fast. Restless leg syndrome, a real thing, is even worse when pregnant.
It's an adventure for sure! And one we're basking in...even during late night wake-ups and frustrations over sleeping! I guess it's just good preparation for the arrival of our miracles!
Why?
Because of how I sleep.
I have never been a person who sleeps calmly...I move a lot. Even pre-pregnancy.
But now it is so much worse. I toss and turn all night. And I always feel something when I move...either pain or them moving around with me...
And I'm convinced it's like a roller coaster ride for them!
I can't even sit still on the couch for long...I have to shift positions. I know a huge part of all of that is being pregnant with twins and uncomfortable already!
But part of it also it because pre-pregnancy I was a stomach sleeper and even then I got really restless really fast. Restless leg syndrome, a real thing, is even worse when pregnant.
It's an adventure for sure! And one we're basking in...even during late night wake-ups and frustrations over sleeping! I guess it's just good preparation for the arrival of our miracles!
Life
Sometimes I feel really overwhelmed.
And tired. And sick. And sad. And happy.
Then I feel bad.
I don't have the right to feel any of those things, do I? I know I do, this is life, it might be a life that's still sinking in to us, but this is life.
This is quite the ride. It's joy filled and scary.
It's the most surreal thing we have ever done in our lives.
Maybe all those other surreal things we did, like going to seminary, internship, the mayo clinic, moving to Montana...were all to prepare us for this.
I was thinking today about egg retrieval day and groggily waking up in recovery hearing what I thought was something about 10 eggs...
Then I was finally alert and Dr. Shomento indeed said they were able to harvest 10 eggs...
I remember being disappointed and wondering if we did something wrong along the way...but then as the days and the weeks unfolded we received our miracle! Times two!
I don't know how to put it into words. I don't even know how to feel on this day...it's just, well, how I feel.
It's fascinating because people tell you all of these awful things about having kids, once you're pregnant, and it's weird...isn't joy in there also? I hear how fun it will be, how hard it will be, how exhausting...I hear girls are way harder than boys, I hear at least once a week at church that I am fat (usually during the sharing of the peace)...I hear that there are rumors going around town that I can't teach preschool anymore because of twins, I hear my "boss" saying we'd better meet to talk because she isn't sure I'm up for teaching being pregnant and all...I know I haven't heard it all...but some days it feels like it!
It's weird.
And I think to myself...am I supposed to be a recluse, shut myself off, because me being pregnant isn't fair to people? Am I suppose to not teach because I'll be too "fat"? News flash, if I don't teach I have to find another job, and that's the last thing I want to do!
I've probably had too much time to think today! But in the midst of that I've been productive...I've swept, done load after load of laundry, marked maternity clothes people have loaned me and then organized them all, cleaned the kitchen, worked on cleaning the bedroom, watched cupcake wars and now I'm thinking about baking a cake! And resting, I have to rest!
And tired. And sick. And sad. And happy.
Then I feel bad.
I don't have the right to feel any of those things, do I? I know I do, this is life, it might be a life that's still sinking in to us, but this is life.
This is quite the ride. It's joy filled and scary.
It's the most surreal thing we have ever done in our lives.
Maybe all those other surreal things we did, like going to seminary, internship, the mayo clinic, moving to Montana...were all to prepare us for this.
I was thinking today about egg retrieval day and groggily waking up in recovery hearing what I thought was something about 10 eggs...
Then I was finally alert and Dr. Shomento indeed said they were able to harvest 10 eggs...
I remember being disappointed and wondering if we did something wrong along the way...but then as the days and the weeks unfolded we received our miracle! Times two!
I don't know how to put it into words. I don't even know how to feel on this day...it's just, well, how I feel.
It's fascinating because people tell you all of these awful things about having kids, once you're pregnant, and it's weird...isn't joy in there also? I hear how fun it will be, how hard it will be, how exhausting...I hear girls are way harder than boys, I hear at least once a week at church that I am fat (usually during the sharing of the peace)...I hear that there are rumors going around town that I can't teach preschool anymore because of twins, I hear my "boss" saying we'd better meet to talk because she isn't sure I'm up for teaching being pregnant and all...I know I haven't heard it all...but some days it feels like it!
It's weird.
And I think to myself...am I supposed to be a recluse, shut myself off, because me being pregnant isn't fair to people? Am I suppose to not teach because I'll be too "fat"? News flash, if I don't teach I have to find another job, and that's the last thing I want to do!
I've probably had too much time to think today! But in the midst of that I've been productive...I've swept, done load after load of laundry, marked maternity clothes people have loaned me and then organized them all, cleaned the kitchen, worked on cleaning the bedroom, watched cupcake wars and now I'm thinking about baking a cake! And resting, I have to rest!
Monday, July 23, 2012
the search for crib bedding
I've been searching high and low and all around for crib bedding that I like.
It's been frustrating and overwhelming! It's nearly impossible to find little girl bedding for a beach themed nursery...
Combine that with sort of knowing what I wanted in my head, but not knowing for sure...
Aqua colored, pink, purple, gray, polka dots, starfish, stripes, whales...I was looking for any or all.
I was just getting ready to look up patterns for one, and beg for help making them, when I found something.
But guess what?
It was sold out, unavailable anywhere but ebay...and on ebay is was way too expensive.
It wasn't a big deal really, but I was making it one! I was making it a really big deal. Poor Joel!
Enter Atlanta, Manhattan Beach, CA., Mission Viejo, CA., San Diego, CA, Canada (which was never called, but I did check there), Florida...
The nice lady on the phone with me was calling all these stores, checking to see what pieces they had, then relaying the information to me and giving me their numbers!
One store in California had 2 crib skirts but one was one hold for someone...they would let me know if that fell thru...Another store had 1 sheet but I wanted 2...lots of other stores had the boy version of the sheet but not the girl one...
We called a nice lady named Bradley in Mission Viejo, CA. who looked up more stores for us, and that was after I was on the phone with the company for probably 30 minutes while she called places...
It was an adventure!
We finally found what we wanted in Atlanta and Chicago! It's currently enroute to us!
It's been frustrating and overwhelming! It's nearly impossible to find little girl bedding for a beach themed nursery...
Combine that with sort of knowing what I wanted in my head, but not knowing for sure...
Aqua colored, pink, purple, gray, polka dots, starfish, stripes, whales...I was looking for any or all.
I was just getting ready to look up patterns for one, and beg for help making them, when I found something.
But guess what?
It was sold out, unavailable anywhere but ebay...and on ebay is was way too expensive.
It wasn't a big deal really, but I was making it one! I was making it a really big deal. Poor Joel!
Enter Atlanta, Manhattan Beach, CA., Mission Viejo, CA., San Diego, CA, Canada (which was never called, but I did check there), Florida...
The nice lady on the phone with me was calling all these stores, checking to see what pieces they had, then relaying the information to me and giving me their numbers!
One store in California had 2 crib skirts but one was one hold for someone...they would let me know if that fell thru...Another store had 1 sheet but I wanted 2...lots of other stores had the boy version of the sheet but not the girl one...
We called a nice lady named Bradley in Mission Viejo, CA. who looked up more stores for us, and that was after I was on the phone with the company for probably 30 minutes while she called places...
It was an adventure!
We finally found what we wanted in Atlanta and Chicago! It's currently enroute to us!
Sunday, July 22, 2012
The couch
Our couch is old, used (it was used when we bought it 5 years ago) and purple.
And I love it.
Joel has been looking for a new one for months! Not very seriously, but still searching...
About once a month we go into Northern Home Essentials in Havre and sit on the couches they have for sale. But we have not purchased one. We probably won't for a long time, but it's fun to look.
The purple one is sort of falling apart. It creaks, it groans, and the back is loose.
Oh the purple couch. Even some day when we get a new one, I want to keep this one!
The problem now is that I'm just beginning to have troubles with this couch...
Carrying twins around, that are about 5 months along now, makes it, well, hard to get up off the couch...already! I sort of sink down into it, anyone who sits on it does. It's old.
I knew our world was changing a couple of days ago when I had to move out of the couch to the brown recliner...I needed more support...
It was sort of a big moment...I love our purple couch! So, now I trade off, time on the couch, time in the recliner...and so far I'm staying pretty comfortable.
And I love it.
Joel has been looking for a new one for months! Not very seriously, but still searching...
About once a month we go into Northern Home Essentials in Havre and sit on the couches they have for sale. But we have not purchased one. We probably won't for a long time, but it's fun to look.
The purple one is sort of falling apart. It creaks, it groans, and the back is loose.
Oh the purple couch. Even some day when we get a new one, I want to keep this one!
The problem now is that I'm just beginning to have troubles with this couch...
Carrying twins around, that are about 5 months along now, makes it, well, hard to get up off the couch...already! I sort of sink down into it, anyone who sits on it does. It's old.
I knew our world was changing a couple of days ago when I had to move out of the couch to the brown recliner...I needed more support...
It was sort of a big moment...I love our purple couch! So, now I trade off, time on the couch, time in the recliner...and so far I'm staying pretty comfortable.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Camp
We spent the week last week at Flathead Lutheran Bible Camp.
It was our first time there. We had a great week...
Relaxing, eating, napping, swimming, playing, some children's sermons for Joel...
Lots of up and down hills.
There are a lot of hills at that camp! A lot. There was so much of camp we never we saw because it was up too high!
I was so tired. Tuesday we walked to the Outdoor chapel for morning worship and I remember saying the word "terrible" on the trek up. It was terrible. I had no idea what I was getting into. I should have stopped a quarter of the way up and turned around but Joel was already at the top and...
Well, I just kept going. And I paid all day for it. I took 2 naps that day. My rhythm was nap, eat, nap, eat...rest, sit in the lake because I had no energy to swim but needed cooled off, go to worship, bed.
Even though a lot of napping took place we did not miss out on any activity we wanted to be at...
And really my role during the week was to rest and relax, Joel's too but he had a few more responsibilities.
During open time, nearly every day, we were able to connect with kids from our churches which was cool...foos ball, ping pong, visiting by the sand box, hanging out at the water front.
Oh and one morning we checked kids in and out at the water front.
One of the best parts was the other pastors and their families their that week. We reconnected with a seminary family serving in Western Washington that we hadn't seen for 2 years! And we made friends with another pastor family from Western Washington and a pastor from Missoula...great connecting!
Our cabin was right on the lake, campfire chapel right outside our door...beautiful! I loved it! Great way to spend a week.
It was our first time there. We had a great week...
Relaxing, eating, napping, swimming, playing, some children's sermons for Joel...
Lots of up and down hills.
There are a lot of hills at that camp! A lot. There was so much of camp we never we saw because it was up too high!
I was so tired. Tuesday we walked to the Outdoor chapel for morning worship and I remember saying the word "terrible" on the trek up. It was terrible. I had no idea what I was getting into. I should have stopped a quarter of the way up and turned around but Joel was already at the top and...
Well, I just kept going. And I paid all day for it. I took 2 naps that day. My rhythm was nap, eat, nap, eat...rest, sit in the lake because I had no energy to swim but needed cooled off, go to worship, bed.
Even though a lot of napping took place we did not miss out on any activity we wanted to be at...
And really my role during the week was to rest and relax, Joel's too but he had a few more responsibilities.
During open time, nearly every day, we were able to connect with kids from our churches which was cool...foos ball, ping pong, visiting by the sand box, hanging out at the water front.
Oh and one morning we checked kids in and out at the water front.
One of the best parts was the other pastors and their families their that week. We reconnected with a seminary family serving in Western Washington that we hadn't seen for 2 years! And we made friends with another pastor family from Western Washington and a pastor from Missoula...great connecting!
Our cabin was right on the lake, campfire chapel right outside our door...beautiful! I loved it! Great way to spend a week.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Luke
For many years we've planned on naming our first son Luke.
Back in March, the day after transfer of our, what we now know them to be, baby girl embryos, I couldn't stop thinking about the Florida embryos...
So healthy, frozen and on their way to sunnyville!
I had a very strong sense that Luke was on his way to Florida...and that we had girls on the way!
During the weeks that followed I waivered...
Girl, Girl or Girl, boy? I never did think we had two boys on the way.
I have hope that those embryos will be successfully implanted someday and give us more babies...one, or maybe two, or three...
Whatever the number, I'm convinced that Luke is there, and someday we'll make the decision to implant him and let him grow!
Back in March, the day after transfer of our, what we now know them to be, baby girl embryos, I couldn't stop thinking about the Florida embryos...
So healthy, frozen and on their way to sunnyville!
I had a very strong sense that Luke was on his way to Florida...and that we had girls on the way!
During the weeks that followed I waivered...
Girl, Girl or Girl, boy? I never did think we had two boys on the way.
I have hope that those embryos will be successfully implanted someday and give us more babies...one, or maybe two, or three...
Whatever the number, I'm convinced that Luke is there, and someday we'll make the decision to implant him and let him grow!
Beautiful Blessings
Monday we had a 16 week ultra sound. Kay, the technician said first she was going to take some doctor pictures then she would look for gender...
"Do you guys want to know?" she asked.
"Yes"! I said with a little laugh in my voice.
I could not believe that moment was upon us...wow...so much thinking about it over the previous few months.
So much imagining, wondering, planning...
Baby A up first..."looks like this one is a girl" she said!
"I thought there was a girl in there" I said!
I began to tear up, my heart skipped a beat...Baby B's turn...
Another girl, at least she thought so! What? Another girl? Hmm...sort of what I was expecting, but I also had wondered if there was a boy! She checked Baby B at the end and said for sure she is a girl.
Much more measuring and picture taking then the doctor came in.
The first thing he said is that our babies are beautiful blessings. Two healthy fraternal twin girls! He then told us how relieved he was to share good news with us that day...
You see, he spent the morning with a patient of his, 37 weeks pregnant...over the weekend her husband died expectantly. Also, hH woke up that morning to a story in the newspaper about a lady who drowned in the river...she was also one of his patients...
So much heartache. He just kept saying over and over again what beautiful blessings we have, and how blessed he was to be able to tell us that!
"Do you guys want to know?" she asked.
"Yes"! I said with a little laugh in my voice.
I could not believe that moment was upon us...wow...so much thinking about it over the previous few months.
So much imagining, wondering, planning...
Baby A up first..."looks like this one is a girl" she said!
"I thought there was a girl in there" I said!
I began to tear up, my heart skipped a beat...Baby B's turn...
Another girl, at least she thought so! What? Another girl? Hmm...sort of what I was expecting, but I also had wondered if there was a boy! She checked Baby B at the end and said for sure she is a girl.
Much more measuring and picture taking then the doctor came in.
The first thing he said is that our babies are beautiful blessings. Two healthy fraternal twin girls! He then told us how relieved he was to share good news with us that day...
You see, he spent the morning with a patient of his, 37 weeks pregnant...over the weekend her husband died expectantly. Also, hH woke up that morning to a story in the newspaper about a lady who drowned in the river...she was also one of his patients...
So much heartache. He just kept saying over and over again what beautiful blessings we have, and how blessed he was to be able to tell us that!
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