Anxiety

Our life is filled with one battle of anxiety after another. We are done with the "what is Montana gonna be like" anxiety. We've moved on to the "will the churches in Montana want us to come" anxiety. The "classes are ending in less than 2 weeks and so many papers are still left to write" anxiety. And the "test day will be here in less than a week" anxiety. We seem to take them all in stride. And we seem to take them together yet differently. Joel is immersed in the "classes are ending..." anxiety, I am in it to the point of stressing (a lot) for him and praying even more! This will all get done! I am immersed in the "test day will be here..." anxiety. Joel thinks about it occasionally but is too immersed in papers to dwell on it. Last night we filled our May calendar with hanging out! Completing a "lets have fun while we have time left in the twin cities together" list that we made with our friend Lindsay. It will be a whirlwind of fun and we will fit it all in! Because in the midst of the anxiety we need fun. In the midst of anxiousness the being with friends and making sweet memories dancing, eating, playing, etc. are what keep us keeping on!

I know a natural reaction for people when they are reading this is to think, they shouldn't stress, if they stress it might affect the procedure, they are supposed to stay calm, they need to let this all go. And that's ok if you think that, heck sometimes we do, but please don't. During this journey we are doing the best we can. And the stress, the tears, the joy, the playing, the fun, the laughter, the deep deep pain, they are all a part of it. They make up this journey. And seriously, I am tired of trying to figure out if eating more cinnamon and more ice cream and changing the milk I drink and running just a little more and taking just a few more deep breaths or suffering through headaches rather than take a Tylenol (even though Mayo said I could) would change the outcomes. I am tired of it all! I want positive results. And I'm pretty sure that whether I eat cinnamon or not or run or not, God will not hold those things against us and he will still create life, if he chooses to, if he chooses to. And though we are tired of it all, we are not tired of the fight. We want babies and we will keep on doing everything that we can to received such a blessing. And we'll keep on begging God, not only for the gift of life, but for endurance, understanding, love and grace.