We've cried a lot yesterday and this morning. The tears are freely flowing. We really wanted them to be tears of joy, but they are tears of deep deep sadness. We were both so certain round 4 worked. We were convinced of it. So, when we took the test Monday morning words cannot really express the depth of sadness we found ourselves in. It feels so final.
I know, I know, it really isn't, well maybe it isn't. But right now it feels like it is. We are hopeless and sad.
We go see our doctor on Monday. We think we know what she will say, but we hope that she has more to say than only what we expect. We want to have babies. We don't understand why we can't have babies.
Yesterday at work I looked at people.com (shhh!) and saw that some star had a baby and named him "Bear" and I started crying because I was thinking how Joel and I would have way better names for a baby than that. Then I started feeling really stupid for even having a name list, we don't need a name list. We might not ever need a name list. I thought about deleting it from the computer. But I didn't...yet. I probably won't. But if anyone needs a name idea, I will gladly email you ours. We don't think we'll ever need it.
I know you might be thinking, they can always adopt, they will have babies, they can adopt. We've been down that road, we were turned down. Some day we will pursue it again. We still want that. But right now we want to be pregnant. We want something that for reasons we will never understand we cannot have. Are we mad at God? You bet we are. Will we get over that? Sure we will, probably not today, and maybe not tomorrow but one of these days, when we're ready. So much for hoping that he will overcome for us and give us that thing that seems so unreachable.
In a nut shell...this sucks (sorry Grandma for using that word!).
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