Packing

I did something today that needed done. But probably should not have been done. I did it while Joel was writing final papers, because I knew he wouldn't stop me. Even though I did it right in front of him, he was distracted. I took all of our baby stuff...things people have given us and things we have bought with hope...and I packed it in 2 boxes. In the one filled with things people have given us I marked it "baby gifts" in the other one I marked "baby to giveaway". Then I put them in the office with the piles of other boxes I have already packed. I figured why not? Now, I know to give it all away probably isn't the best thing. But I just can't have it out, in the hope chest Grandpa made for us, waiting to be used. It's too sad. When it's in a box it can go into the top of a closet somewhere in Montana, or a storage shed and only come out if we ever need it. Having it accessible is too painful right now. Having it in a box will make it easier to giveaway if we end up not ever needing it. With sadness, I don't plan to open those boxes for a long time. It hurts too much. Because even when we think that "maybe someday" reality hits us square in the face and we don't really know if there will ever be a someday. So for now the baby stuff is ready for a moving truck. It's tucked away. The saddest part for me? Seeing the little booties Joel and I bought way back, 4 years ago, before we even decided to start trying to have a baby...we bought them with dreams of a future baby Skindlov. Now we pack with away with fear of never having that dream.